Unconvinced

I'm pretty good at rationalizing things.

Take donuts, for example.  Why do I get two donuts when my four year old can only have one?  Because I have a bigger stomach, of course.  Never mind that they are completely devoid of any nutritional value.  Wait, no they aren't!  Surely there is SOMETHING in a donut that is nutritious... and even if there isn't, that glass of skim milk I'm having with my donut is well worth the nutritional cost of the donut itself.  After all, if I don't have the donut, I'll have no reason to have the milk.  But milk is so vital to my body!  The calcium, the vitamin D... as a Caucasian woman with osteopenia in her family, these are things I NEED!  So...  if I really want to take care of myself, I better grab a donut so I can drink some milk with it.  And when I get done with that donut, if I have any milk left, I should go ahead and have a second donut so I can finish the remaining milk my bones are so desperate for.

See that?  See what I did there?  I can make eating junk food sound noble.

This is a good skill to have if you're a salesman or a lawyer.  It's a TERRIBLE skill to have if you're in a relationship with the Lord.  Rationalizing with Him typically exhausts me, frustrates me, and wastes a lot of time.

When God tells me to do something I don't want to, I can put up quite the fight.  I use all the logic I have to convince God it's not really in His OR my best interest to do what He's asking.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I say, "Stop and think about it, Big Man.  If I stop looking to others for affirmation, like You're telling me to, I'm gonna feel empty and depressed and devoid of value.  Not only will that be unenjoyable for me, people are going to start thinking You're pretty unfulfilling.  'Kelly sure is bummed most of the time,' they'll think, 'I guess her God isn't all He's cracked up to be.'  They won't think it is my fault; they'll think it is Your fault.  And since we don't want to damage Your street cred, we'd be better off just leaving things they way they are.  I'll keep getting my affirmation from people instead of You, and You'll keep looking like a pretty great God to serve, which we both know You are!"

After I lay my argument out there, I give the Lord a little nod as if to say, "C'mon, God, You know I'm right on this one."

God always listens to my thoughts with patience.  When I'm done saying my piece, He usually smiles gently and raises an eyebrow, communicating through His body language that He loves me, He hears how scared I am to do what He's asking, but His mind is unchanged despite my carefully constructed protest.  I haven't convinced Him of anything except the fact that I will go to great lengths to not have to face the underlying fears that are keeping me from obeying Him.

Great.  Lengths.

It's good to know I'm not alone on this one.  When God told him to lead the Israelites out of the bondage they were experiencing in Egypt to the Promised Land, Moses rattled off reasons why he wasn't the man for the job.  Moses argued that he was nobody special; God should rethink this (Exodus 3:11).  When God offered him comfort instead of conceding to him, Moses went to argument B.  Not only was he not special, Moses was sure that he'd be met with resistance (Exodus 3:13).  "Might as well not even try," Moses insinuated, "The Israelites are never gonna believe that You sent me."  So God told Moses exactly what to tell the Israelites to convince them to follow him (Exodus 3:14-17).  Not only that, God also promised He would take care of the Egyptians.  God would work in their hearts to compel the Egyptians to release the Israelites -the Egyptians' slaves - and send them on their way with silver, gold, and clothing (Exodus 3:21-22).

But that wasn't enough for fearful Mo'.

Unable to come up with a third argument against the Lord's plan, Moses returns to his second argument, "What if [the Israelites] do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The Lord did not appear to you'?" (Exodus 4:1) 

If I were God, this is the point I would lose all my patience.  I would become infuriated toward Moses and either go find someone else who is willing to obey without all the hassle or just smite the fool right then and there.

But God doesn't do that.

He maintains His composure, and, like a sympathetic Father, He continues to try to assuage Moses' crippling fear.  God tells Moses He will perform three different miraculous signs through Moses in front of the Israelites in order to prove to the Israelites that God is indeed with Moses (Exodus 4:2-9).  Surely there would be zero room for the Israelites to doubt Moses then.  Surely Moses' confidence in God's plan would be rock-solid at this point.

But it's not.

Moses rehashes argument A.  Exasperated, he reiterates that he is not special by saying, "O Lord I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant.  I am slow of speech and tongue," (Exodus 4:10). 

You can almost hear the fear in Moses' voice.  I imagine him despairing, "Lord!  I am not a good speaker, how can I be a good leader?!"  Moses didn't have charisma or professional speech writers.  He knew, as long as it depended on him, he would never be able to convince an entire nation to follow him.

When my own kids are fearful of something, regardless of whether the fear is silly or serious, all I want to do is scoop them up and protect them.  I see the sheer terror in their eyes, the tears on their faces, and the last thing I want to do is force them to face whatever is spooking them.

I picture God, with his compassionate Father-heart, being really affected by Moses' confession of fear.  I suspect God had to really fight His Fatherly desire to let Moses off the hook in order to alleviate His beloved child's fright.

Instead, God reminds Moses that He is in control.  He reassures Moses again, "Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say," (Exodus 4:11-12).

In his last ditch effort to convince God to change His plans, Moses shelves his negative, self-deprecating comments and resorts to straight-forward begging.  "O Lord," he says, "please send someone else to do it" (Exodus 4:13).

To recap, God tells Moses to do something he doesn't want to do.  Moses tries to convince God that He is making a mistake via FOUR DIFFERENT ARGUMENTS!  I'm not special; the plan won't work; I don't have what it takes; PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!

In the end, Moses doesn't convince God of anything except the fact that he will go to great lengths to not have to face the underlying fears that are keeping him from obeying God.

Great.  Lengths.

Hmm.  Sounds familiar.

SPOILER ALERT: Moses winds up obeying God.  And God comes through on all His promises to Moses.

God performs the miraculous signs through Moses, just as He said He would.  The Israelites believe Moses when he tells them God has sent him (Exodus 4:29-31).  God "encourages" the Egyptians to release the Israelites, and they are sent on their way with all kinds of riches (Exodus 12:31-36).  God comes through, true to His word. 

In short (which is funny because this post is so long), Moses nearly misses being a part of a pivotal chapter of world history because he is scared to trust the only One who is completely trustworthy.

I don't want that to be my story.  I don't want to let fear keep me from being all the Lord wants me to be.

The Kind of Encouragement You Don't Want

There is a downside to the fact that God wants what is best for us: He is willing to do whatever it takes to get us to cooperate with His plan. 

If you subscribe to the concept of free will, then God is never going to force us to do anything.  But He will arrange circumstances to "encourage" us to move toward Him.

Hebrews 12:7 tells us to "endure hardship as discipline."  I'm not sure when the word discipline got its negative connotation, but, originally, it was a positive thing.  Discipline meant "instruction which aims at increasing virtue" (BLB).  And that's how the author of Hebrews is using the word, too.  He says, "God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness," and discipline "produces a harvest of righteousness and peace" (Hebrews 12:10-11).

Holiness.  Righteousness.  Peace.

These are all things I want.  These are all things God wants for me.  But when I can't see how obeying God in a given situation is going to help me reach these goals, God is willing to do whatever He has to in order to adjust my vision.  He is willing to send hardship.  He is willing to discipline in the hopes that I will be trained by it (Hebrews 12:11).

He can correct me all day long, but if I refuse to learn from the discipline, I'll never share in his holiness or righteousness or peace.   Instead, I'll stay in my selfishness and turmoil.  And God, in turn, will have to tweak my circumstances once again in order to show me the way I am operating is not in my best interest. 

A long time ago, God told Jeremiah, "In vain I punished your people; they did not respond to correction" (Jeremiah 2:30).  God was exasperated with Israel!  Year after year they traded His Glory for worthless idols (Jeremiah 2:11).  The rest of the book tells of how Israel is unwilling to do what is in their best interest.  They are unwilling to be trained by the discipline God has been employing.  He is going to have to go to extreme measures if He wants to convince Israel that their idol worship is bad for them.  So He does.  He lets Judah be conquered, and the Israelites were taken into captivity for 70 years.

SEVENTY YEARS!

I don't want God to have to go to extremes to get my attention.  I don't want Him to have to keep turning up the heat because I am so stubborn I refuse to pursue what's best for me.  I want to respond immediately to His discipline.  I want to be trained by it.  I want to trust Him enough to obey Him even when I can't see how anything good will come from it.

Extreme Makeover: Kelly Levatino Edition

Since January 1st of this year, God has been jack-hammering away in my life.  I guess He finally got tired of letting me operate out of my baggage.  He wants more for me.  And, clearly, I wasn't going to pursue that willingly with Him.  So five and a half months ago, He declared my heart a construction zone, and I've been the unwitting star of Extreme Makeover: Kelly Levatino Edition ever since.

If you've read my blog at all in the past couple of months, you probably can guess that God hasn't gotten to the part of the show where the immaculate new creation is unveiled.  He is still largely in the demolition phase, using heavy machinery to destroy the foundation I laid before I ever knew He existed.  He's using His big guns - trials and tribulations - to break apart my foundation of self-protective measures and self-serving motives.

Truth be told, I liked my old house.

This process has been anything but enjoyable.  I've been less than cooperative with my Foreman.  He keeps showing me the blueprint, explaining to me over and over how wonderful the final product will be.  He's really excited about it.  But I am no architect; I struggle to envision all that He has planned.  All I know is that I liked my old house.

God has to echo His words to Israel to me on a regular basis. "Forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do.  For I am about to do something new.  See, I have already begun!  Do you not see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland" (Isaiah 43:18-19).

As I sit in the rubble of my old house, it is hard for me to forget the good memories I had there.  It is even harder for me to understand that the destruction of my old house is necessary before the building of my dream house can take place.

I have a choice to make.  I can kick around the debris where my old house once was, cursing the day it was destroyed, and remain homeless.  Or I can believe God when He says He wants to build me my dream house and agree to let Him on my property so He can break ground.

It all comes down to trust.  Do I trust God to build me a better house than I can build for myself?

Do you?

Out of Control

Lately, I've been trying to control some things in my life that I was never meant to be in charge of. Things like relationships. I've been operating under some false assumptions, namely that I can meet my needs and fulfill my desires better than an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God. And I've been wearing myself out.

Have you ever seen a dog walking its owner? Usually, this happens when a 100 pound woman decides to own a 200 pound dog, like a Great Dane, which appears to be part horse. She tries to control it with a string of a leash, but, really, that dog is dragging her all over the neighborhood. She ends up more worn out than the animal.

That's how I've been feeling these days as I've tried so hard to control things that are out of my control. All my energy has been poured into attempting to make things go how I want them to go, and, despite my best efforts, things have still been going terribly. Turns out you can't control other people.

But there's more.

The Bible says that God will, "fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

For those that know Jesus on a personal level, we don't have to worry about manipulating people to meet our needs and fulfill our desires (which we can't successfully do anyway). We don't have to let our passion to control our lives drag us around like a hyperactive dog-horse. On the contrary, we can choose to trust God with the things we cannot control, and, in so doing, be filled with all joy and peace.

I'd love to live that way. Wouldn't you?
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