Calculating Grace

Moving

2011-06-09T15:11:00.000-05:00

Last week I bought KellyLevatino.com. I've spent some time making it pretty, and now I'm taking this blog over there. Go check it out, have a look around, and make yourself comfortable. Also, please notify your readers, your feeds, your links, your family, your neighbors, your friends and any strangers you encounter that I've moved.

See you over there!
Kelly

The Kind of Ultimatum God Loves

2011-06-07T11:42:00.002-05:00

My four year old is an endless fountain of questions. The other day she asked me why it is summer. I was stumped. (Seriously, what would YOU have said?!) So I gave my stock answer, "Because it is." She was satisfied not because that was a stellar explanation but because her mind had already moved on to her next question.

"What if there was no white?" she inquired.
"Huh?" I said.
"What if there was no white in the world and no other colors either?"
I was silent, so she prompted me again.
"What if, Mom?"
"Uhhh, I dunno."
"I think then we'd have no town."
Silence.
"Don't you think we'd have no town, Mom?"

Questions. Lots of questions.

Most are unanswerable, either because they are too theoretical to have an answer or because a four year old would not understand a scientific explanation of why things appear colored and how color has no bearing on existence. Or because a 28 year old (read: me) does not legitimately know why it is summer.

Lexi's insatiable curiosity reminds me of myself when I began considering spiritual matters. Before I became a Christian, I had a lot of questions about why people believed what the Bible said. Why did they put so much stock in a dude that lived 2000+ years ago? How could they be so sure that He was God and what He said was true?

As I dialogued with Christians, I learned a little bit. But the answers weren't very satisfying. I had made up my mind that Christianity was a farce before these conversations ever took place. My mind was closed to considering any information these well-meaning believers provided me.

Like Thomas, I needed to experience Jesus for myself.

I ended up at a church youth event on accident. I had just gone to hear a band play because the lead singer was hot. I had no idea he was a Christian and was too stupid to realize he just might be if he was playing in a band at a church. I went, I listened, and I witnessed 100 of my peers worshiping uninhibitedly.

I thought to myself, "If this many people can be affected this deeply by Something, then maybe It really does exist."

God opened my mind that night.

I left that church believing in a Higher Power. But I left without Jesus. My mind may have changed, but my life didn't change.

I went back to those Christians who had been talking to me about spiritual things, and I asked some more questions. I didn't get any mind-blowing answers, but I got a few more pieces of the puzzle.

I struggled for seven more months trying to make sense of my new worldview - a worldview that now included a God.

I wasn't getting anywhere. Life was still hard. Too hard. I needed more than a mysterious, distant God to hang my hat on. I needed an experience with Jesus.

Confused, tired, and alone, I broke.

I still remember the day. It was July, 1999, and I was in my kitchen. I had just gotten off the phone with the only friend I had left. He had called to say good bye. He was moving 1,000 miles away. He was leaving that very day. And I was left alone. I remember falling to my knees in that kitchen, sobbing.

And with equal parts anger and desperation, I gave God an ultimatum.

"I CAN'T DO THIS, GOD! If You want me to make it through this, YOU are going to have to do it!"

Lucky for me, it was the kind of ultimatum God loves.

As I surrendered my life that afternoon, I never prayed the Sinner's Prayer.
I had never read a single Bible verse.
I had never attended a church service.

All I did was invite God, albeit harshly, to take control of my life. I yielded to Him.

And He saved me.

My life began to change. I became friends with "those Christians". I started learning about the God of the Bible. Eventually, I started going to a church on a regular basis. My curiosity about the God I had experienced firsthand was insatiable.

I asked questions. Innumerable questions. I sought out two youth pastors and overwhelmed them with questions about this new life I found myself in. They were my "go to's".

I took my questions to college with me and pursued a degree in Biblical Studies and Theology. Today, 12 years after that day in the kitchen, I teach Bible to women in my church. But I still have questions. And I still have "go to's". I suspect I always will.

In Acts, an Ethiopian man who does not know Jesus is pondering the book of Isaiah. Philip, a disciple, saw the man and asked him, "Do you understand what you are reading?" The Ethiopian replied, "How can I unless someone explains it to me?" (Acts 8:30-31) Philip goes on to instruct him in the Scriptures, and the man accepts Jesus as his Lord and Savior and is baptized immediately.

It blows my mind that the Ethiopian didn't get prideful and act like he understood the Scriptures when Philip inquired. He didn't get defensive and say, "Who are you to come over here uninvited and question my intelligence?" He didn't get haughty and reply, "I got this, man." He didn't go all individualistic on Philip and say, "I'll interpret the Scriptures any way I want to, thank you very much." On the contrary, he basically says, "Of course not! No one can understand the Bible without some help."

History matters. Context matters. Culture matters. How each passage reads in light of the rest of the Bible matters.

We don't become Christians and just know this stuff. We all need help understanding what the Bible says, what it means, and how it applies to real life. To use a church word, we all need a mentor to come along side us, do life with us, and guide us when we have questions.

Unconvinced

2011-06-04T16:18:00.004-05:00

I'm pretty good at rationalizing things.

Take donuts, for example. Why do I get two donuts when my four year old can only have one? Because I have a bigger stomach, of course. Never mind that they are completely devoid of any nutritional value. Wait, no they aren't! Surely there is SOMETHING in a donut that is nutritious... and even if there isn't, that glass of skim milk I'm having with my donut is well worth the nutritional cost of the donut itself. After all, if I don't have the donut, I'll have no reason to have the milk. But milk is so vital to my body! The calcium, the vitamin D... as a Caucasian woman with osteopenia in her family, these are things I NEED! So... if I really want to take care of myself, I better grab a donut so I can drink some milk with it. And when I get done with that donut, if I have any milk left, I should go ahead and have a second donut so I can finish the remaining milk my bones are so desperate for.

See that? See what I did there? I can make eating junk food sound noble.

This is a good skill to have if you're a salesman or a lawyer. It's a TERRIBLE skill to have if you're in a relationship with the Lord. Rationalizing with Him typically exhausts me, frustrates me, and wastes a lot of time.

When God tells me to do something I don't want to, I can put up quite the fight. I use all the logic I have to convince God it's not really in His OR my best interest to do what He's asking.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa," I say, "Stop and think about it, Big Man. If I stop looking to others for affirmation, like You're telling me to, I'm gonna feel empty and depressed and devoid of value. Not only will that be unenjoyable for me, people are going to start thinking You're pretty unfulfilling. 'Kelly sure is bummed most of the time,' they'll think, 'I guess her God isn't all He's cracked up to be.' They won't think it is my fault; they'll think it is Your fault. And since we don't want to damage Your street cred, we'd be better off just leaving things they way they are. I'll keep getting my affirmation from people instead of You, and You'll keep looking like a pretty great God to serve, which we both know You are!"

After I lay my argument out there, I give the Lord a little nod as if to say, "C'mon, God, You know I'm right on this one."

God always listens to my thoughts with patience. When I'm done saying my piece, He usually smiles gently and raises an eyebrow, communicating through His body language that He loves me, He hears how scared I am to do what He's asking, but His mind is unchanged despite my carefully constructed protest. I haven't convinced Him of anything except the fact that I will go to great lengths to not have to face the underlying fears that are keeping me from obeying Him.

Great. Lengths.

It's good to know I'm not alone on this one. When God told him to lead the Israelites out of the bondage they were experiencing in Egypt to the Promised Land, Moses rattled off reasons why he wasn't the man for the job. Moses argued that he was nobody special; God should rethink this (Exodus 3:11). When God offered him comfort instead of conceding to him, Moses went to argument B. Not only was he not special, Moses was sure that he'd be met with resistance (Exodus 3:13). "Might as well not even try," Moses insinuated, "The Israelites are never gonna believe that You sent me." So God told Moses exactly what to tell the Israelites to convince them to follow him (Exodus 3:14-17). Not only that, God also promised He would take care of the Egyptians. God would work in their hearts to compel the Egyptians to release the Israelites -the Egyptians' slaves - and send them on their way with silver, gold, and clothing (Exodus 3:21-22).

But that wasn't enough for fearful Mo'.

Unable to come up with a third argument against the Lord's plan, Moses returns to his second argument, "What if [the Israelites] do not believe me or listen to me and say, 'The Lord did not appear to you'?" (Exodus 4:1)

If I were God, this is the point I would lose all my patience. I would become infuriated toward Moses and either go find someone else who is willing to obey without all the hassle or just smite the fool right then and there.

But God doesn't do that.

He maintains His composure, and, like a sympathetic Father, He continues to try to assuage Moses' crippling fear. God tells Moses He will perform three different miraculous signs through Moses in front of the Israelites in order to prove to the Israelites that God is indeed with Moses (Exodus 4:2-9). Surely there would be zero room for the Israelites to doubt Moses then. Surely Moses' confidence in God's plan would be rock-solid at this point.

But it's not.

Moses rehashes argument A. Exasperated, he reiterates that he is not special by saying, "O Lord I have never been eloquent, neither in the past nor since you have spoken to your servant. I am slow of speech and tongue," (Exodus 4:10).

You can almost hear the fear in Moses' voice. I imagine him despairing, "Lord! I am not a good speaker, how can I be a good leader?!" Moses didn't have charisma or professional speech writers. He knew, as long as it depended on him, he would never be able to convince an entire nation to follow him.

When my own kids are fearful of something, regardless of whether the fear is silly or serious, all I want to do is scoop them up and protect them. I see the sheer terror in their eyes, the tears on their faces, and the last thing I want to do is force them to face whatever is spooking them.

I picture God, with his compassionate Father-heart, being really affected by Moses' confession of fear. I suspect God had to really fight His Fatherly desire to let Moses off the hook in order to alleviate His beloved child's fright.

Instead, God reminds Moses that He is in control. He reassures Moses again, "Now go; I will help you speak and will teach you what to say," (Exodus 4:11-12).

In his last ditch effort to convince God to change His plans, Moses shelves his negative, self-deprecating comments and resorts to straight-forward begging. "O Lord," he says, "please send someone else to do it" (Exodus 4:13).

To recap, God tells Moses to do something he doesn't want to do. Moses tries to convince God that He is making a mistake via FOUR DIFFERENT ARGUMENTS! I'm not special; the plan won't work; I don't have what it takes; PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!

In the end, Moses doesn't convince God of anything except the fact that he will go to great lengths to not have to face the underlying fears that are keeping him from obeying God.

Great. Lengths.

Hmm. Sounds familiar.

SPOILER ALERT: Moses winds up obeying God. And God comes through on all His promises to Moses.

God performs the miraculous signs through Moses, just as He said He would. The Israelites believe Moses when he tells them God has sent him (Exodus 4:29-31). God "encourages" the Egyptians to release the Israelites, and they are sent on their way with all kinds of riches (Exodus 12:31-36). God comes through, true to His word.

In short (which is funny because this post is so long), Moses nearly misses being a part of a pivotal chapter of world history because he is scared to trust the only One who is completely trustworthy.

I don't want that to be my story. I don't want to let fear keep me from being all the Lord wants me to be.

Represent

2011-06-01T14:38:00.000-05:00

There was nothing I hated more in school than the dreaded group project.

There are two types of people in this world: those who carry the group and those who expect the group to carry them. I always fell into the first class of students, and when group projects were assigned, I just KNEW I'd have to do more than my fair share if I wanted to ensure we'd get a good grade. With my grade (read: my value, my self-worth) at stake, I wasn't willing to put my name on a project that wasn't done well. And if my classmates weren't going to do their parts well, I'd cave and do it for them to make sure my grade was secure.

Now that I no longer have grades to worry about, I find other things to depend on to make me look good.

Are my girls dressed cute for church? They better be because they are a reflection of me. If I let them go to church with disheveled hair, holes in their pants, and mismatched shoes, other people would think poorly of me because I am their mother. We share a last name.

Are the women in my Bible study benefiting from my teaching? I hope so because what they glean is directly related to how well I teach. If they are bored and not growing in their relationships with the Lord, they will think badly of me because I am their teacher. Our group bears my name.

Are the posts on this blog entertaining and challenging readers in their faith? They need to be because without both aspects my writing won't reach anyone beyond my family (Hi, Mom!) and close friends. If the articles aren't true to my style, lack depth, or are theologically unsound, readers will lower their opinions of me because I am the author. This blog has my name on it.

In all of these examples, my reputation is at stake.

I was talking to God about this the other day. I went on and on about how reputation is everything and how I don't want my name on something that isn't done well or right or my way.

And you know what God said?

He said, "Kelly, My name is on YOU every single day. How do you think I feel when YOU don't represent ME well?"

My heart sunk into my stomach.

He was right.

As a Christian, I literally bear Christ's name. And, as a result, everyone who knows that I am a Christian associates everything I do with Christ Himself. And most of the time I'm not representing Him well.

I was challenged to do better. Be better. For His sake, for the Gospel's sake, represent Him better.

I thought about those old group projects. When they were done poorly, I wanted to remove my name from them. I wanted no association with the group of people or the work we had done so badly. My reputation was at stake.

But God doesn't remove His name from me when I don't represent Him well. In some cases, He even seems to emphasize to those around me that I am His. Whether I am bringing Him honor or shame, whether I am enhancing or destroying His reputation, I am His. And He proves His love to me and to the world by leaving His name on me when I am least worthy of bearing it.

Better

2011-05-31T11:28:00.000-05:00

God is pretty tricky.

He lures us into wanting to have kids by making newborns adorably snuggley. Their heads smell good, and their outfits are so cute we can't stand it.

Lexi

Allie

Then they start to grow.

They learn to talk and think and ask questions. They study your every move and file away every word that comes out of your mouth. And, slowly but surely, they are shaped into mini-you's. These little people start to act just like the grown ups they are around most.

And that would be fantastic if everything that I said and did honored the Lord.

I want better for my kids than I do for myself. I require them to eat ~~more~~ fruit and vegetables while I eat donuts and ice cream. I make them brush their teeth every night before bed, and then I pass out without giving a second thought to my own dental health. My kids take vitamins each morning. I stopped taking vitamins as soon as I birthed them (but I took my prenatal vitamins religiously because those babies I was carrying needed them...). I make sure to read the Bible and have a devotional with my 4 year old every day...sometimes I don't crack my own Bible for an entire week.

You can call me a hypocrite if you want. But, mostly, I just want the best for my kids. That's my focus. I am not my priority. I fall by the wayside.

And that would be okay if everything I said and did honored the Lord.

If my two girls mimicked my Christian awesomeness and were somehow oblivious to my hurtful brokenness, then I wouldn't have to address my baggage. I wouldn't have to go to the Lord and allow Him to do open-heart surgery on me.

If it were just me, I'd be content to only brush once a day, only eat vegetables when they are on top of pizza, and continue living out of my own self-centered defense mechanisms. I'd be fine never learning how to relate in a healthier way to God and to others. I'd be unmotivated to better myself.

And God knew that.

So He gave me two beautiful little girls to "encourage" me to work through my crap. If I want them to be confident women who love the Lord and others, I have to model that.

Gulp.

I HAVE TO MODEL THAT?!

You mean I - the chick who hasn't willingly purchased a dress since my wedding gown 6.5 years ago - have to become confident in my femininity? I - the tomboy turned wife and mother - have to develop godly female friendships? I - the woman who thinks more about how others should be serving her than how she can serve them - have to develop a compassionate heart for those around me?

No wonder God makes babies so irresistible. If He told us on the front end that having a kid would emotionally manipulate us into surrendering to Him for a lot of painful renovations, WE'D NEVER DO IT!

If God put all His cards on the table before we had a chance to fall head over heels in love with our little bundles of joy, that would be the end of the human race. We'd refuse to procreate out of fear that our subsequent soul reconstruction would be too hard, too painful. We'd live in that fear the rest of our lives, missing the innumerable blessings children bring.

Even worse, we'd miss the innumerable blessings that follow cooperating with God to allow Him to heal our wounds.

And Now For Something Completely Different

2011-05-26T10:20:00.002-05:00

I have some friends that are very ordinary. But they did an extraordinary thing. They responded to God's leading them in a direction they never would have walked in under "normal" circumstances. He told them to leave Memphis, move to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia, and start being part of the solution to the worldwide orphan crisis. These newlyweds started The Forsaken Children, a ministry that addresses the physical, emotional and spiritual needs of the 100,000 homeless, family-less, Christ-less children in the capital city of Ethiopia.

As the ministry expands, more and more of my friends are getting involved. Some are traveling there on short-term mission trips. Some are staying there for longer periods of time, developing new ways to reach the children. Some are donating money each month to support what's going on over there. Some are praying daily for the ministry.

Personally, Elian and I are giving ten measly bucks each month. Not much, right? Check out an article I wrote on The Forsaken Children website explaining why we give and how ten dollars change two kids' lives forever.

The Kind of Encouragement You Don't Want

2011-05-23T11:00:00.001-05:00

There is a downside to the fact that God wants what is best for us: He is willing to do whatever it takes to get us to cooperate with His plan.

If you subscribe to the concept of free will, then God is never going to force us to do anything. But He will arrange circumstances to "encourage" us to move toward Him.

Hebrews 12:7 tells us to "endure hardship as discipline." I'm not sure when the word discipline got its negative connotation, but, originally, it was a positive thing. Discipline meant "instruction which aims at increasing virtue" (BLB). And that's how the author of Hebrews is using the word, too. He says, "God disciplines us for our good, that we may share in his holiness," and discipline "produces a harvest of righteousness and peace" (Hebrews 12:10-11).

Holiness. Righteousness. Peace.

These are all things I want. These are all things God wants for me. But when I can't see how obeying God in a given situation is going to help me reach these goals, God is willing to do whatever He has to in order to adjust my vision. He is willing to send hardship. He is willing to discipline in the hopes that I will be trained by it (Hebrews 12:11).

He can correct me all day long, but if I refuse to learn from the discipline, I'll never share in his holiness or righteousness or peace. Instead, I'll stay in my selfishness and turmoil. And God, in turn, will have to tweak my circumstances once again in order to show me the way I am operating is not in my best interest.

A long time ago, God told Jeremiah, "In vain I punished your people; they did not respond to correction" (Jeremiah 2:30). God was exasperated with Israel! Year after year they traded His Glory for worthless idols (Jeremiah 2:11). The rest of the book tells of how Israel is unwilling to do what is in their best interest. They are unwilling to be trained by the discipline God has been employing. He is going to have to go to extreme measures if He wants to convince Israel that their idol worship is bad for them. So He does. He lets Judah be conquered, and the Israelites were taken into captivity for 70 years.

SEVENTY YEARS!

I don't want God to have to go to extremes to get my attention. I don't want Him to have to keep turning up the heat because I am so stubborn I refuse to pursue what's best for me. I want to respond immediately to His discipline. I want to be trained by it. I want to trust Him enough to obey Him even when I can't see how anything good will come from it.

A Penny for Your Praise

2011-05-21T10:59:00.002-05:00

In case you've ever wondered, the key to winning my affection is to praise me a whole lot.

Like a puppy in obedience school, my tail wags, and I jump up and down uncontrollably anytime anyone throws a compliment my way. Since childhood society has been teaching me that if I perform well, I get metaphorical treats in the form of good grades, kind words, and pats on the back. Conversely, if I perform poorly, I experience ridicule, feelings of isolation, and my self-worth goes down the toilet.

I want that praise. I need that praise.

The good news is that this is a legitimate longing. It is not wrong or bad to desire encouragement and appreciation.

The bad news is I ~~tend to~~ ALWAYS look to people for my confidence boost. And, in case you haven't noticed, people are fickle. They are unreliable. They are here today and gone tomorrow. And even the more consistent people are incapable of heaping on enough praise to satisfy my constantly wavering self-esteem. People don't have that kind of time and energy to make their life's mission to encourage me (or you).

The Bible goes so far as to say that people who trust in men for their strength are cursed (Jeremiah 17:5). Cursed? Seems harsh. In the next verse, the Lord says that those of us who trust in men instead of God "will be like [bushes] in the wastelands; [we] will not see prosperity when it comes. [We] will dwell in the parched places of the desert, in a salt land where no one lives" (Jeremiah 17:6).

So we are stuck with a great big problem. We need praise and encouragement. But when we seek it from those around us, we feel like we are dying of thirst, unable to recognize blessings in our lives, overwhelmed with loneliness.

In a word, we are cursed.

I can vouch for this. My favorite place to seek encouragement is from godly men. I want to know that men I respect love me. I want men my dad's age to tell me they are proud of me. I want men my brother's age to tell me they believe in me. Basically, I want all men everywhere to praise me every second of every day.

What, too much?

The funny thing is my soul would still say THAT'S NOT ENOUGH!

But God doesn't leave us hanging. We aren't destined to be cursed. He offers us a way out.

Verse 7 says, "But blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence is in him. He will be like a tree planted by the water that sends out its roots by the stream. It does not fear when heat comes; its leaves are always green. It has no worries in a year of drought and never fails to bear fruit" (Jeremiah 17:7).

When we go to God to get our praise needs met, we have a constant source of nourishment. We are unfazed by difficult circumstances. When no one is there to encourage us, we don't worry. Instead, we remain confident and continue to mature in our faith.

In a word, we are blessed.

It's easier to look to people for affirmation. But it is infinitely more satisfying to look to God.

Overcoming Weariness With Ice Cream

2011-05-19T10:37:00.001-05:00

Sometimes I am tired.

I am not talking about the I-need-a-nap kind of tired. I am talking about the I-don't-have-the-emotional-energy-to-do-life-another-second kind of tired. Weary. Spent. Done.

When I'm feeling this way, my solution is a three-step process:

1. Complain to others.
2. Consume ice cream.
3. Check out in front of the TV.

We can call it The 3C Approach to Weariness. Pastors can build sermons around this alliterative list. I think it will really resonate with people across all demographics, except maybe the lactose intolerant.

But lest we get the cart before the horse, let's consider my solution's efficacy (minor detail, right?).

Complaining to others requires me to focus on my dissatisfaction, perpetuating my weariness, which is the exact opposite of what I want to do. Hmm. Also, if I complain too often to the same people, being around me becomes quite unenjoyable. My weariness spreads like an infectious disease, bringing down those around me. Hmm. Maybe we should nix step one.

What about step 2? You will never convince me that consuming ice cream is a bad thing. Ever. I think it should be apart of every process. Need instructions for making a sandwich? Get out bread, spread on peanut butter, eat some ice cream, spread on jelly, eat sandwich. Need directions for driving to Nashville? Fill up your gas tank, get on I-40, stop for ice cream, arrive at your destination. See? Ice cream is never a bad idea.

Unless I eat it to make myself feel good so I don't have to work through my weariness in a healthy, yet much more difficult manner. Or unless I eat it in mass quantities because it makes me feel good. Or unless my body functions better on things like fruits and vegetables than it does on Rocky Road. (Side note: my husband says I am the only person in the world who can eat a large bowl of caloric ice cream while watching the Biggest Loser, week in and week out, and not feel bad about it. I'd consider examining the emotional problems behind that fact, but ICE CREAM IS SO DELICIOUS!)

Maybe we should move ice cream down The 3C Approach to Weariness list. Maybe it should be the last step, a reward for successfully dealing with our weariness.... I know, I know, don't reward yourself with food... I digress.

Step 3. Check out in front of the TV. Pretty sure this is a good idea. When you're feeling beaten down by the world, nothing distracts you better than Friends reruns, NBA playoffs, or excruciating auditions for a certain singing show. If you watch long enough, you can escape your problems until the next day, which is all we can really ask for, right? Don't shoot too high and expect to eliminate your weariness. Set the bar low and just seek to postpone it for a few hours...

Because we all know weariness can't really be beaten for any length of time.

And if that's true, my list is looking pretty good. In fact, it's probably in the Bible somewhere - it's that awesome.

Hebrew 12:3 tells us what to do so we "will not grow weary and lose heart." It says, "Consider [Jesus] who endured such opposition from sinful men..." Hmm. That C wasn't on my list.

Consider Jesus and all he went through - beatings, ridicule, betrayal, false imprisonment, rejection, and brutal death. If He went through all that for me, surely I can endure a little hardship for Him. Surely I can exercise enough self-control to refrain from engaging in (fill in the blank) because He asks me to. Surely I can take a little mocking from unbelievers because I profess Him like He tells me to. Surely I can overcome some marital growing pains because I am submitting to soul reconstruction like He wants me to.

Surely I will not grow weary during my "light and momentary afflictions" because He "endured the cross" for me (2 Corinthians 4:17, Hebrews 12:2)!

So it seems The 3C Approach to Weariness needs a little revising.

How about this....

1. Consider Jesus.
2. Commit to persevere.
3. Consume ice cream.

Extreme Makeover: Kelly Levatino Edition

2011-05-16T07:44:00.000-05:00

Since January 1st of this year, God has been jack-hammering away in my life. I guess He finally got tired of letting me operate out of my baggage. He wants more for me. And, clearly, I wasn't going to pursue that willingly with Him. So five and a half months ago, He declared my heart a construction zone, and I've been the unwitting star of Extreme Makeover: Kelly Levatino Edition ever since.

If you've read my blog at all in the past couple of months, you probably can guess that God hasn't gotten to the part of the show where the immaculate new creation is unveiled. He is still largely in the demolition phase, using heavy machinery to destroy the foundation I laid before I ever knew He existed. He's using His big guns - trials and tribulations - to break apart my foundation of self-protective measures and self-serving motives.

Truth be told, I liked my old house.

This process has been anything but enjoyable. I've been less than cooperative with my Foreman. He keeps showing me the blueprint, explaining to me over and over how wonderful the final product will be. He's really excited about it. But I am no architect; I struggle to envision all that He has planned. All I know is that I liked my old house.

God has to echo His words to Israel to me on a regular basis. "Forget all that - it is nothing compared to what I am going to do. For I am about to do something new. See, I have already begun! Do you not see it? I will make a pathway through the wilderness. I will create rivers in the dry wasteland" (Isaiah 43:18-19).

As I sit in the rubble of my old house, it is hard for me to forget the good memories I had there. It is even harder for me to understand that the destruction of my old house is necessary before the building of my dream house can take place.

I have a choice to make. I can kick around the debris where my old house once was, cursing the day it was destroyed, and remain homeless. Or I can believe God when He says He wants to build me my dream house and agree to let Him on my property so He can break ground.

It all comes down to trust. Do I trust God to build me a better house than I can build for myself?

Do you?

Plans

2011-05-14T14:22:00.001-05:00

Life would be a lot easier if I would do things God's way the first time.

Instead, I try my way first. I usually jump into something headlong without giving much thought to what God would have me do. If, by chance, I do give thought to God's preference, I typically don't give it a second thought. I file God's idea away for future reference and proceed to approach life my way.

When that doesn't work, I try my Plan B. I sit down and explain to God why He should have honored my efforts during Plan A. I lay it all out for Him, showing Him my flawless logic, drawing diagrams when necessary, and rehearsing the pros and cons. I show Him the error of His ways in withholding His blessing from me when I do things my way. And God listens. He listens to every word. And when I am done trying to persuade Him, I try Plan A again. I may tweak it here or there, but it retains its original purpose: to accomplish my goals. And those goals are usually to be happy, to feel satisfied, and to experience no pain.

That's reasonable, right?

You're not gonna believe this, but Plan B never works for me either.

In fact, Plan B usually leaves me drained, discouraged, and desperate - desperate enough to go back to God, hand Him the pieces of my broken goals, and ask Him to put them all back together. He always receives me with open arms and compassionate eyes. While He is overjoyed that I have finally come to Him, He's also sad that I had to experience so much hurt in order to finally be willing to depend on Him. That was never His plan.

God's plan is for Him to always be my Plan A.

If I would just go to Him first with each decision I face instead of insisting on taking the scenic route, riddled with pot holes and construction zones...

If I would just spend time listening for His direction instead of petitioning Him to do things my way...

If I would just trust Him enough to take care of me, like He says He will, even though His plan is mysterious and unconventional to me....

...life wouldn't be so hard.

I might even find it enjoyable...

The Lord will guide you always; he will satisfy your needs in a sun-scorched land and will strengthen your frame. You will be like a well-watered garden, like a spring whose waters never fail. Isaiah 58:11

Come Be Enough

2011-05-11T08:00:00.002-05:00

I wish it were socially acceptable for me to handle not getting what I want like my toddler does.

Allie's main goal in life is to run away from me in crowded and/or dangerous situations. Are we shopping in a mile-wide department store? She'll take off as fast as her twelve-inch legs can carry her, round the corner, and never look back. Are we at an Easter egg hunt with a thousand other people? She'll weave her way through strangers' legs, disappearing among the masses, totally unconcerned with my whereabouts. Are we trying to find our car in a busy parking lot? She'll slip her hand out of mine and run into traffic, cackling because she thinks she's winning the "Get Away From Mommy" game.

But if I ever grab her by her hand in these kinds of situations, look out.

First she says, "No."
When that doesn't work, she screams, "WALK!"
I explain to her, "You can walk, you just have to hold my hand."

And then comes the toddler melt down.

Shes starts to yell and cry and plops her bottom on the pavement, implying, "If I can't run in front of cars, I'm at least going to SIT in front of them and embarrass you with my blood-curdling screams!"

She steels her will. She uses all 20 of her pounds to her advantage, refusing to budge.

I yank her up by her hand to a standing position.

She only has one weapon left in her tantrum arsenal: she goes limp.
I am left with a child dangling from my hand.
Dead weight.

As I try to keep one eye on her older sister and the other eye on traffic, I shift purses (mine and her sister's), a diaper bag, a cup of coffee, at least one sippy cup, and the car keys to one hand. Then I scoop up my baby with the other arm and carry the flailing child to the car while she yells "WALK! WAAAAAAAAAAAALK!" and I yell, "I WIN! I WIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIN!"

Sometimes I feel like acting like a toddler when I don't get what I want.

There are a million ways my heart cries, "More!" Sometimes I want more love than I'm getting. Sometimes I want more attention from certain friends. Sometimes I want to feel more valuable. Sometimes I want to be a part of something bigger and more worthwhile. Sometimes I want more responsibility. Sometimes I want more time to myself.

Whatever I'm desiring at the moment, the feeling in my chest is the same: unsatisfied. I want more.

So I manipulate and coerce to get more.
I achieve and accomplish to be more.
I volunteer and apply to do more.

But it's never enough.

In Psalm 90:14 the author says to God, "Satisfy us in the morning with your unfailing love, that we may sing for joy and be glad all our days."

God can satisfy.

Psalm 81:13-16 says, "If my people would but listen to me...follow my ways...with honey from the rock I would satisfy [them]."

God wants to satisfy.

Psalm 145:16 says of God, "You open your hand and satisfy the desires of every living thing."

God does satisfy.

So what gives? Why am I so often unsatisfied if these verses are true? If it is well within this believer's reach, what do I need to do to experience satisfaction?

In a recent conversation with Him, God told me to invite Him to be enough.

He emphasized to me that He wants to fulfill me; I just haven't asked Him to lately (John 16:24).

When I find my heart asking for more, when I find myself feeling empty, depressed, or otherwise unsatisfied, God wants me to say, "Lord, come be enough."

Scripture says He is enough... Believe it, and ask Him to come be enough for you.

How to Rejoice When You Don't Want to

2011-05-09T06:00:00.001-05:00

When life sucks, I have a hard time rejoicing. But God wants believers to rejoice always (Philippians 4:4).

Always?

Surely God doesn't mean always. Because that's impossible.

How can we be expected to rejoice when we're stuck in a job we hate? Or when our kids are sick? Or when our marriage is at an all-time low? Or when the doctor tells us we are infertile? Or when we don't know how we're going to pay the mortgage this month?

How can a reasonable God require us to rejoice in these kinds of circumstances?

I think the answer is He doesn't.

He never calls us to rejoice in circumstances at all. He calls us to rejoice in Him, no matter what our circumstances look like.

I think this distinction is huge. It directly affects how we view God.

Philippians 4:4 reads, "Rejoice in the Lord always."

If we think God wants us to rejoice over the loss of a child or our recent divorce, then we'll see God as sadistic and unfeeling.

But if we think God wants us to rejoice in Him - His goodness and His unfailing love - while we're in the circumstances, then we'll see God as a compassionate Savior and a heroic Redeemer, offering us hope that we don't otherwise have.

Here's how that pans out in reality.

You've just moved to a new town where you have no friends or family to speak of. You are far from home. You feel isolated and depressed as you grieve the friendships you've left. You're hating life right now, loathing each and every minute. And the Lord says rejoice. If we hear this as "rejoice in your situation", we'll say, "There is nothing good about this situation. I am hurting! Even if I try to think positively about all the Lord might have in store for me in my new surroundings, that doesn't make my present pain any less." But, if we hear the command to rejoice as "rejoice in the Lord," we can say, "Lord, I hurt right now. The end of this pain is nowhere in sight. But I know that you love me, and I know you are in control. Thank you for being so trustworthy, especially when life is difficult."

The difference is, when we are rejoicing in who the Lord is instead of what our circumstances are, we are free to feel our pain. We can be honest about our emotions and don't have to feel guilty for not feeling joyful toward life.

Let's Be Honest...

2011-05-06T08:26:00.000-05:00

There is a movement of sorts taking place in my generation. We could call it the Cut the Crap campaign. Or the We're Not Stupid initiative. Or the Who Do You Think You're Kidding drive. Whatever you want to call it, the idea is the same: we want blatant honesty.

We want transparency from our leaders, whether political, corporate or ecumenical. We want people to give it to us straight, even if they think it will hurt us, disappoint us, or make our opinions of them plummet. We want honesty no matter the cost.

There are people out there who would rather stick their heads in the sand than drag ugly situations into the light. Like toddlers playing hide and seek, these people think closing their eyes makes problems disappear. They spend their time trying to ignore hardships and fail to grow through their challenges.

There are other people out there who would rather paint a pretty picture than admit they don't have it all together. They know they don't have it all together, but their pride keeps them from letting the rest of us know they don't have it all together. They spend their time trying to hide difficulties and fail to heal from their pain.

Then there is a third group of people. They admit they have problems. They share those problems with others. Their honesty begets honesty, and they find their friends start sharing about their problems. They learn from one another. They see God work in each others lives. They become encouraged that He really does care. They worship the Lord who delivers them from hardship together. And they share His hope with others who have dared to admit that they are struggling.

These people grow.

And something amazing happens...the hope and love of Jesus Christ spread like wild fire.

I can't help but think that is what Church was always meant to be. People hurting together, inviting honesty, speaking truth from the Scriptures while they are hurting together, not pretending that life doesn't hurt, praying for one another, seeing God answer those prayers, rejoicing together, praising God for who He is and what He has done in their lives, and sharing that testimony with others. As near as I can tell, this description incorporates Bible study, prayer, worship and evangelism.

And it does it while being honest.

How can we make our churches more like this?

I think it starts with me and you getting real with those around us. That's risky, for sure, but the potential for richness of community with others and deeper intimacy in our relationships with God are worth that risk.

We are the Church. If we want the Church to be more transparent, let's be honest.

That's Impossible

2011-05-05T11:33:00.003-05:00

There's a song called "What Faith Can Do", and it is playing like crazy on Christian radio right now. When I heard it this morning, this lyric really grabbed my attention:

Impossible is not a word; it's just a reason for someone not to try.

I think it hit home because I am NOTORIOUS for claiming that things I don't want to do or things at which I believe I will fail are "impossible", especially when those things involve obeying God. When God tells me to do something hard, uncomfortable or scary, I tell myself it's impossible. And I am so matter-of-fact about it, my heart doesn't even usually notice that I am just making excuses to be disobedient.

My current struggle with "impossible" comes as I think about the holy standard to which God calls us. Peter said in 1 Peter 1:15-16, "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in all you do; for it is written: 'Be holy, because I am holy.'"

When I think about the word "holy", I think of other words like "sinless", "pure", "perfect", and "impossible". I just cannot bring myself to believe that it is possible for any human to conduct himself in a holy manner for more than about five minutes. And that would be fine if that's what Peter meant. If his original letter had said, "But just as he who called you is holy, so be holy in small doses sporadically throughout your day," we'd all be in great shape. But that's not what Peter intended. We are to be holy all the time, just as God is holy all the time. God's essence is holiness. Holiness is not just another wonderful attribute about God that He chooses to display some of the time and shelf at other times. God is holy. Holy is what He is. He can't be unholy or do unholy things because that would go against His very nature.

But, contrary to popular belief, you and I are not God. We are not holy. Our very natures are unholy. We can't go one day without sinning, and we've never managed to eradicate that problem. Even us Christians, whose sin problems have been taken care of from an eternal perspective, still sin everyday. We are fallen, and it is impossible for us to be holy.

Or is it?

Scripture not only says that it is possible for us to be holy, it commands us to BE HOLY! Whenever my perception of reality (holiness is impossible) clashes with Scripture's depiction of reality (holiness is possible), I know I am the one that is wrong. After all, Scripture is holy, and I am not ;)

So, we are staring at this seemingly impossible standard - holiness - and we know we don't have what it takes to be holy, through and through, day in and day out. But if we want to honor God, we have to find a way to obey. What are we to do?

This is where I normally say, "Oh well. I can't do it. God knows I can't do it. Therefore, I am absolved of all responsibility to even try."

Right?

Wrong.

God knows I can't do it by myself. And He's not asking me to. He's not an unreasonable guy. He tells me in His Word how I can be successful in this "impossible" situation.

He says He will do it for me.

"Now it is God who makes both us and you stand firm in Christ" (2 Corinthians 1:21). God will make us stand firm - He will make us holy - if we are willing. Per 2 Corinthians 1:9, all we have to do is rely on God. He is the one with the power to help us accomplish the "impossible" things to which we are called. Now, He's not going to force us to trust Him. We have to choose. But if we are open to it, He is standing by, ready to make us stand firm, ready to make us holy.

The Point of Pain

2011-05-03T11:44:00.002-05:00

A popular argument agnostics and atheists like to use to justify their unbelief in God is that if God existed, there wouldn't be pain in this world. If God existed, they say, He'd be powerful enough and good enough to make our lives pain-free. There would be no tornadoes, no Osama bin Laden's, no domestic violence, no cancer, no anything unpleasant at all. In the unbeliever's mind, the mere existence of suffering proves that God, at least as we Christians define Him (all-powerful, all-knowing, completely good, etc.), does not exist.

But there is a problem with this argument.

Those who argue to this end assume they understand what God's chief objective is. They assume that God's whole point for doing anything is to make us humans happy. Don't get me wrong, I would love for that to be the case. I would love for it to be all about me. Truth be told, I often act like it is all about me and my contentedness.

But it's not.

The end all be all of life is not to have 7 billion happy people running around the planet kumbaya-ing. That would be nice. And God wouldn't mind if we managed to work that out. But, unlike John Lennon, that simply isn't God's main objective for humanity.

God is concerned about more than our happiness.

Notice I did NOT say God is unconcerned with our happiness. He is very much affected by our pain. He grieves for and with us in our suffering (John 11:33-35). He responds with great compassion when we are hurting, which He certainly would not do if He didn't care about our pain (2 Corinthians 1:3-4).

But He is even more concerned with something bigger than our hurt.

His primary concern is having a living, breathing, active, dynamic relationship with each and every person on this planet. Like a father of multiple children, God longs to spend as much quality time as possible with each of us. Why? Just because He loves us. Oh, and it also happens to be in our best interest. The more time we spend really connecting with God, the better off we are. We have more peace, even in the midst of suffering (John 14:27). We gain wisdom and understanding about all kinds of things (Colossians 2:2-3). We become more effective at showing unbelievers that a personal relationship with God is not only possible, it is the most rewarding relationship we can pursue (1 John 5:10-11).

More than our earthly happiness, God wants an eternal relationship with us. And sometimes it takes pain in our lives for us to realize that.

Paul understood that. And he told the church of Corinth about it in 2 Corinthians 1:8-24. As Paul talks about hardships he faced in Asia, he said, "We were under great pressure, far beyond our ability to endure, so that we despaired even of life. Indeed, in our hearts we felt the sentence of death" (2 Corinthians 1:8-9). Paul is talking about extreme suffering and pain. How many of us can relate on an emotional level? We find ourselves in circumstances that feel "beyond our ability to endure", causing us to "despair even of life."

Why does a good God let us experience such utter misery?

Paul's explanation is, "this happened that we might not rely on ourselves but on God, who raises the dead" (2 Corinthians 1:9).

What?

God allows us to suffer, even though He could stop it, so we might rely on Him? You mean He is more concerned about relationship with us than He is about our happiness?

Before you tell me you don't want a relationship with a sadistically self-centered God like that, let me make one more point.

Our complete happiness can only be found in relationship with God.

We Americans tend to be an either/or society. Things are black or white, right or wrong, this or that. Never both. Never simultaneously.

Yet, this is not an either/or situation. We are not choosing between happiness or a relationship with God. We can have both. In fact, we can't truly have either independently. A relationship with God births a capacity for happiness in our lives that does not exist without that relationship being in place (John 15:9-11). I'm not talking prosperity gospel here, which says, "Accept Jesus and you 'll be healthy, wealthy and care-free." Believers certainly have their fair share of hurtful situations. But they also have the ability to find peace, fulfillment, and joy in the midst of pain (James 1:2-4). Not when it is all over; not when things are wonderful; right smack in the middle of their worst days.

Pain has a point. Pain is supposed to drive us deeper into relationship with God. If we aren't letting pain accomplish that, we are suffering for nothing.

Make your pain count.

Hope For the Hopeless

2011-04-30T21:43:00.000-05:00

I'm not an optimistic person.

I know, I know, those of you who know me are shocked. The truth is I'd like to be an optimist, I just don't think it will happen.

Although I prefer to call myself a "realist" in lieu of being a self-proclaimed "pessimist", I think it is more accurate to say I don't pretend life is easy. While it's true that I have a pretty cushy gig as a stay-at-home mom in a first world country, the fact remains that life, to some degree, is hard for everyone on every continent. And that's because we are all dealing with unmet expectations.

The orphan on the streets of Ethiopia's impoverished capital is disappointed he can't find food to dull his hunger.

The pastor at a mega church in Memphis, Tennessee, is disheartened to see congregants file out of his church each week, no more excited about the Lord than when they came in.

The young parents are devastated when their three-year-old is killed by a drunk driver.

The corporate manager is discouraged when he is abruptly laid off.

We all get gut-kicked in life. Things don't work out the way we plan. We get broadsided by inconveniences and tragedies alike. Life gets interrupted sometimes. Our expectations are often left dangling in the wind.

And we feel hopeless.

We start to believe life will never be good again, or at least not as good as it was. We simply cannot conceive of how our current disappointment could possibly work out for our good (Romans 8:28).

We despair that we will never be fulfilled again. Surely what we had or what we want is what is best for us (Genesis 3:6). And, yet, God is showing us that we cannot have it (Genesis 3:3)... "I will never be happy again," plays over and over in our minds, becoming less of a statement of emotion and more of a statement of fact with each repetition.

We become convinced that the pain will never lessen. How could it? Everything has changed; there is no going back; the pain will always be...

We cross over from feeling hopeless to acting hopeless... and Satan smiles.

He has accomplished his objective.

When Satan can get believers to buy the lie that things are hopeless, we start living hopeless lives. We stop living in light of the hope that is Jesus Christ (Titus 2:13). And, in turn, we stop showing the world why He is worth following.

Contrary to whatever hopeless feelings we may be experiencing, those of us who have a relationship with Jesus have been called to hope. In Ephesians 1:18, Paul says, "I pray also that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which [God the Father] has called you." Pray that for yourself or anyone else you know who is battling hopelessness. That chapter goes on to describe the hope to which believers have been called as, "the riches of [God the Father's] glorious inheritance in the saints, and his incomparably great power for us who believe." Our hope is based on the facts that we will receive eternal life in the future AND that we have God's incomparable power on our side in our present circumstances.

The exact same power that raised Christ from the dead is FOR us in this life (Ephesians 1:20)!

It's hard for me to feel hopeless about anything when I am living in that truth... Believers have access to the most genuine hope there is. It is not fluffy, "think positive", mind-over-matter, "I think I can" garbage. It is authentic hope that is as trustworthy as the Source from which it comes. It is real, and we can live in it if we choose.

Lexi Marie - No Longer Three

2011-04-30T19:20:00.002-05:00

(Although this blog doesn't focus on my kids anymore, each year I write a letter to my girls on their birthdays, and I want to share Lexi's 4th birthday letter here. It's my sweet, sentimental way of reflecting on their past year of life and documenting my love for them to read in the future. You can read Lexi's other letters here.)

Dear Sweet Lexi,

Today we are celebrating your 4th birthday! We had a Little Mermaid birthday party this morning, even though you have never seen the movie nor do you ever want to. Why you picked Little Mermaid for your party I will never know... But it was your final choice after changing your mind about 16 times, so we went with it.

While I am a little bit sad that there is no trace of baby left on you, I am delighted with the little girl you've become. You love life. You love being outside, blowing bubbles, going to the park, and taking walks. You love reading and coloring. You love dressing up like a ballerina or a princess. You love being a girl: painting your nails, wearing cute dresses and putting on lip gloss. You love to laugh. In fact, you tell me the same two knock-knock jokes every single day, cracking up as you do and expecting me to do the same.

As I think about you, two things really stand out in my mind: you love to learn, and you love people.

I am not exaggerating when I say I think you ask at least 1,000 questions every. single. day. You are curious about EVERYTHING. A lot of your questions are still informational. You want to know what every word means, for example. One time you were watching Curious George on TV, and you said, "Mommy, am I curious?" Yes, little one, you are. You've also started asking more spiritual and theoretical questions this year. A couple of months ago, you said, "I bet there will be BIG trees in Heaven. I wonder if Zaccheus will be in one?"

Your mind is always at work. You've begun reading some this year. Last week you read 5 books to me and got so excited every time you successfully sounded out a word. You've also started adding and subtracting this year. I have no doubt your insatiable curiosity and your eagerness to learn will take you far in life. And when you find yourself accomplishing great things academically, I pray you're able to feel proud of yourself without feeling like your achievements define you. They don't. Whether you make straight A's or straight F's, whether you get into the college you want or not, whether you become all that you want to be or fall on your face trying, your value will never change. You are worth the very blood of Christ today, tomorrow, and forever.

While your intelligence impresses me, your love inspires me. Without even having to think about it, you genuinely love others. I'll use your relationship with your baby sister as an example. Not once since Allie came along have you ever been jealous of her or resentful that she "took your place" as the baby of the family. You absolutely adore her. Not one day passes that you don't tell her you love her, shower her with hugs and kisses, and try to make her happy. You serve her with a joyful heart, getting her cup for her or helping her with a toy. I don't have to prod you to love her; you just do. I am so thankful for your sweet relationship and pray it will only deepen as you grow up together.

Besides your dad and me, the most important people in your life right now are your grandparents. You are blessed to have all of them within 15 miles, and they are young and healthy enough to spoil you with attention, affection, sweet treats, and gifts. Your mere existence brings a palpable joy to them, and I am thankful you have the opportunity to know them well.

Just as in years past, you've surpassed some milestones this year as well. In August you had your first broken bone. You fell down the stairs and broke your left forearm in two places. It was a sad thing, for sure, but you looked so cute in your tiny cast, and you never complained once about being uncomfortable or being unable to do certain activities. You took it all in stride, adapted, and found joy in your circumstances. I pray you will always be that flexible and upbeat no matter what comes your way.

In October I took you on your first trip to the beach. Grandma, Grandpa, you and I drove to Naples, FL, to visit Grandma's dad. There is no other place on earth where I feel God's presence so easily as I do at the beach, so I was excited to introduce you to the ocean. And you loved it, too! I so look forward to mother-daughter conversations on the beach in the future.

As you say goodbye to 3 and press on as a 4 year old, I can only imagine what wonderful memories we are going to make. I thank God for the privilege of being a parent, but I thank Him even more for the extra special blessing it is to be YOUR mommy.

I love you, Lexi Lou. Happy Birthday!

Love forever,
Mommy

Daily Dose of Grace

2011-04-27T10:37:00.000-05:00

I hope you never get tired of hearing about grace. I guess if you did you would've stopped coming here a long time ago.

A writer I enjoy, Jon Acuff, wrote about grace today, and he marveled at the idea that a holy God is also a God of second chances. Actually, this side of death, He is a God of innumerable chances. Whether we believe in God or not, every single day God gives us chances to choose Him. But that isn't even the most amazing part.

The mind-blowing part is that God gives us chances to choose Him even though we've NOT chosen Him COUNTLESS times before.

Who does that?! Who in their right mind offers that kind of grace? Even the "best" people tire of turning the other cheek. Even the most loving people retreat from hurtful relationships after being taken advantage of umpteen times. Even the most Christlike people give up on those who neglect them for too long.

Surely the God of the universe, perfect in every way, has the right to rescind His offer of unconditional love and His promise of Heaven if we show Him we don't want Him one too many times.

Make no mistake, He DOES have every right to do that...

But He chooses not to...

He chooses to give us another chance to know Him and experience His unfailing love TODAY, no matter how we've rejected Him in the past. And, if we wake up tomorrow, He'll give us another chance then, too...

Why?

Because He loves us. (Jeremiah 31:3; Zephaniah 3:17)

That's it. It is no more complicated than that.

God wants to give YOU grace.

GOD wants to give you grace.

God WANTS to give you grace.

God wants to GIVE you grace.

God wants to give you GRACE!

Don't Judge a Book By Its Cover

2011-04-23T10:13:00.002-05:00

Several years ago a popular series of books crowded the bookshelves of Christian book stores across America, including the one in which I worked. You may remember the series: Every Man's Battle, Every Woman's Battle, Every Young Man's Battle, Every Young Woman's Battle, Every Crotchety Old Man's Battle, Every Crabby Old Woman's Battle, etc. Ok...I may have made those last two up... Anyway, the premise behind the series is we all struggle to maintain sexual purity - men in their ways, and women in their different ways. Like I said, these books took off, hence all the spin offs, and they were all anyone talked about for awhile.

And I, being the cynical rebel I am, refused to read any of them just out of principle. If there are a million different versions of something, I suspect there are greedy execs somewhere selling the same old thing with different pronouns inserted, and I don't want to support them. But, the main reason I never picked up my demographic's book was because I didn't see the need - I don't struggle with sexual purity in any of the typical ways I assumed these books would address (affairs, pornography, homosexual desires, etc.).

But then something weird happened.

Within a week's time, Every Woman's Battle was recommended TWICE to a group of people I "just happened" to be sitting in. When it was recommended the first time, I thought, "Hmm, maybe I should check that out," and promptly forgot about it... Then it was recommended the second time, and I thought, "Hmm, maybe God really wants me to read this book... I'll go read the back cover at the bookstore." And when I read that back cover, I thought, "THIS BOOK IS TALKING TO ME!", which was both exciting and horrifying at the same time.

It was exciting because how often does a book nail you right where you are? ("Not often" is the answer I am looking for.) But it was horrifying because I knew if I read the book, it would tell me how to change my bad patterns... and if I KNEW how to change those bad patterns, then I'd be held responsible to actually do it... I could no longer claim ignorance before the Lord. If I read the book, He'd use it to highlight a problem in my life, He'd use it to show me how to correct that problem, and I'd be left with a decision: obey or disobey. That's it... no more "I didn't realize that was a sin, Lord," or "but I don't know how to change, Lord." The rubber would meet the road, and I didn't know if I was really ready for that....

Sometimes sin is just so comfortable and the thought of changing is just so daunting...

Turns out the woman's version of this book on sexual purity is really more like a book on total purity... Mental, emotional, spiritual, and physical... The fact is a lot of us women don't struggle with physical sexual sin (pornography, affairs, homosexuality, etc.). Purity is more of a mind game with the majority of us. Consciously or subconsciously, we envision ourselves being in relationships with other men besides our husbands, and, when we feed that kind of day-dreaming with romance novels or TV shows or by cultivating friendships with other men, WE ARE SINNING. We are sabotaging our marriages.

Had I known this book was more about the emotional ways women struggle than the physical, I would've picked it up a long time ago.

I am five chapters in right now... I'll let you know how it turns out... In the meantime, if you are looking for a new book, pick it up....you just might find yourself in the pages...

...unless you're male.

Love (Not to Scale)

2011-04-14T16:54:00.002-05:00

I never wake up in the morning and determine, "Today I am going to look for love in all the wrong places."

I never make a To Do List that includes "Entrust my heart to fallible humans", sandwiched between "Grocery shop" and "Fold laundry".

I never remind myself to forget that God's love is better than life by writing it on a Post It note or my Google Calender (Ps. 63:3).

These are just things I do. They come naturally - unprovoked, unwarranted, and unfailingly. They are as common to me as breathing.

I routinely miss God by mistaking the love people offer me for the love He offers me.

I have some people in my life who love me well. I trust their love implicitly because they've proven faithful to me over and over again. I have no fear that they will withdraw their love purposefully or inadvertently. If life separates us, for instance, I have every confidence that they will still love me well, wherever they are, by continuing to pray for me with fervency.

I am so thankful to have a handful of people who love me this well...

...but there is a downside.

It is easy for me to forget that they are just scale models of God's love, mere samples of the abundant affection and commitment He offers me. I get all caught up in human love and start to think it fulfills like nothing else can...not even God. My happiness, my security, my hope all become tied to the frequency and depth of adoration people give me.

I buy the lie that human love is as good as it gets, and I allow myself to become satisfied with it...

I stop pursuing the Lord.

I turn that energy toward people.

I demand more and more of their love.

Until...their love no longer satisfies.

I need this rude-awakening to bring me back to the truth.

God's love is unfailing; man's love is not. (Ps. 52:8; Pr. 20:6)

Human love may fulfill us partially, but it is just a model meant to direct our attention to the only One who truly loves.

What to Do When You Don't Know What to Do

2011-04-05T11:59:00.002-05:00

At least once a week, my three year old, Lexi, asks, "Mommy, when am I gonna get to go to Heaven?" And I say, "I don't know; only God knows that." Her response is always the same, "I wish I could go to Heaven now. I just can't wait to see Jesus!" And my response is always the same, "Me too."

Lexi's desire for Heaven is marked with great excitement and anticipation. She's learned some basic things in her short life - things like God is wonderful; God loves her; God lives in Heaven; Heaven is the most fantastic place ever; and because she's accepted Jesus, God will one day bring her to Heaven. And this knowledge births a beautiful longing in her soul to be there now.

My desire for Heaven is a little more complex than Lexi's is. It is more than just anticipating bliss. In large part, my motivation for Heaven is rooted in my desire for relief from pain. I almost don't even have to have the promise that Heaven will be full of wonderful things; I just need the promise that it will be devoid of painful things. The blissful aspects of Heaven are like a bonus, an extra declaration of God's infinite grace and love. I think I'd choose to go there even if Heaven didn't hold blessings for me, as long as I was sure it didn't hold pain.

What my daughter will one day discover is that life hurts. Relationships break. Bones break. Faith breaks. Pain traverses our hearts, bodies, and souls. And there are times when we just sit down in the mud and say, "I don't know what to do."

Enter Job.

Job loved God. The Bible says Job was, "fearful and upright; he feared God and shunned evil," (Job 1:1). In our language, Job was the equivalent of a real-deal Christian - someone who loves God in words AND actions and whose personal relationship with God thrives. Job was blessed with wealth, a large family, and fame (Job 1:1-3). He was plugging along in life, living out his faith, experiencing blessing for his obedience, and, presumably, loving life.

Then God allowed Job's world to be turned upside down.

Job's wealth was stolen and destroyed (Job 1:13-17); his children all died in a freak accident (Job 1:18-19); he acquired a painful disease (Job 2:7); his wife stopped supporting him (Job 2:8); his friends turned on him, accusing him of being weak in faith (Job 4:6) and even inferring that he was wicked (Job 15:20-35; Job 18:5-21).

How did Job respond?

He wondered why he had even been born (Job 3:11).

He said things like, "I loathe my very life; therefore, I will give free rein to my complaint and speak out in the bitterness of my soul" (Job 10:1), and, "My spirit is broken" (Job 17:1), and, "I cry out to you, God, but you do not answer" (Job 30:20).

In a word, Job despaired. He felt powerless and confused. He didn't know what to do.

So...

He did all he could do - he trusted God. When Job's life fell apart, he fell back on what he knew.

"To God belong wisdom and power; counsel and understanding are his" (Job 12:13).

"I know that my Redeemer lives, and that in the end he will stand upon the earth...and I will see God; I myself will see him with my own eyes" (Job 19:25-27).

"[God] knows the way that I take; when he has tested me, I will come forth as gold" (Job 23:10).

"I know that [God] can do all things; no plan of [his] can be thwarted" (Job 42:2).

When we don't know what to do, we can take a page out of Job's book. We can fall back on what we know is true of God. We can seek comfort from His Word that He knows us, that he's for us, and that, one day, we will see Him face to face.

And, hopefully, this knowledge will give us the strength to take the next breath and press on.

I Can't Make Me, but You Can

2011-03-30T11:18:00.000-05:00

Truth be told, I don't like to obey.

Doesn't matter what is being asked of me, my immediate reaction is, "No." I suppose it is my way of maintaining my senses of being in control and independent. And since I am the smartest person on the planet, it's imperative that I don't follow anyone else's instructions. Ever.

It all started the day I was born, but I honed my skills of bucking authority in high school. God's been working on sifting out all of those rebellious attitudes these past 11+ years I have been a Christian. But as recently as Monday night, my defiant heart showed its true colors. At church. Sigh.

It wasn't a big deal, really. But the heart attitude behind it is.

I was at a women's dinner with about 400 women. The leaders instructed us to take our tickets and drop them in a basket when we got in line to get our food. And my inner toddler said, "No!" It would have been simple enough for me to open my purse, find the ticket, and put it in the basket, like the leaders asked me to. But, instead, I had these thoughts:

1) I don't want to take the time to find my ticket.
2) They don't need the ticket - they are just going to throw it away.
3) Everyone knows me at this church, so I am exempt from this directive.
4) No one will even notice if I don't bring my ticket with me.
5) Tickets are stupid, and I am hungry.

So I got in line without my ticket and even remarked to a few of the girls who went back to get their tickets how I am not a rule-follower. ("But, Kelly," you're thinking, "didn't you write a post about how you are a rule-follower?" Yes, yes I did. I am a complicated person. I don't pretend to understand me, and you shouldn't either.) Anyway, we had a good laugh. And I didn't think about it again until right now, 36 hours later, when I needed an anecdote about how I don't like to obey. There were many such stories to choose from, but this one came to mind first.

Ironically, during that same women's dinner, someone shared a verse that resonated with me. Out of the New Living Translation, Philippians 2:13 reads, "God is working in you, giving you the desire to obey him and the power to do what pleases him."

I've never read this verse in this translation. It makes way more of an impact than the New International Version does.

I breathed a gigantic sigh of relief when this verse pointed out to me that I DON'T HAVE TO HAVE THE DESIRE TO OBEY GOD!

Oh, thank God! Because, most of the time, I don't! Can I just tell you how amazing it is to get that off my chest?! It's like I've been hiding a dirty little secret for YEARS, wanting to maintain the facade that I always obey God while skipping in the sunshine, whistling "Jesus Loves Me" and tossing handfuls of rainbow-colored glitter in the air.

That's a cute little picture, but it's not truth. (I know, you're shocked.)

The Bible says God GIVES believers the desire to obey him. We aren't genetically wired with this desire (Romans 3:11). It is something that comes from God - i.e., it's supernatural.

This verse is glorious news for those of us who are predisposed to cross our arms and pout whenever God asks us to do something we don't want to. We are freed up to reject the lie that we are the only ones who don't want to obey God with a joyful heart. We no longer have to believe that we are failures because we are more inclined to snub God's instructions than to embrace them.

(Note: I am not saying we are freed up to not obey God. We are still responsible for our decisions (Romans 14:12). We just don't have to feel less than because our hearts don't desire to obey God naturally. Nobody's heart desires that naturally!)

Yes, the first part of this verse is exciting. But the second part is equally wonderful. God not only gives us the desire to obey Him, he also gives us, "...the power to do what pleases him."

You mean I don't have to muster up the energy or ability to do what He says?

Excellent.

Because I can't.
And neither can you.

It's not in our natures.

Sometimes I want to obey God (after He's worked his supernatural mojo on me, that is), but I am convinced I can't obey. I think what He's asking is too hard. Even if I can see the good in obeying, I am too weak. I will fail, I tell myself. So it's best not to even try to obey Him.

And the second half of this verse pretty much confirms that.

It infers that I need God to give me the power to do what pleases Him. In other words, I can't please Him out of my own strength.

Oh, thank God! Because I've never felt strong enough to obey God! Can I just tell you how amazing it is to get that off my chest?! It's like I've been hiding a dirty little secret for YEARS, wanting to maintain the facade that all I have to do to obey the Lord is flex my super-holy-Christian muscles, down a glass of raw eggs, and sport my "What Would Jesus Do?" sweatband.

That's a cute little picture, but it's not truth. (I know, you're shocked.)

The power to obey the Lord COMES FROM THE LORD. Not anywhere else.

So the next time we feel like we are too weak to obey the Lord, even if we wanted to (which we don't), let's put Scripture to the test and ask Him for both the desire and the power to obey and please Him.

I'm betting He'll deliver.

He's good like that.

What Do You REALLY Want?

2011-03-25T14:27:00.000-05:00

Most of the time, when God is trying to teach me something by allowing me to experience pain, I sit around and complain. I tell Him that I hate what He's doing, and I want Him to stop. I tell Him I want out of whatever particular circumstance is grieving me at the moment.

And He reminds me that the point of the pain is to help me rely on Him more, know Him better, and, ultimately, reflect Christ more accurately to others.

So I stop complaining.

Well, not entirely.

I still complain, I just change it up a bit. Instead of telling God to end my painful situation, I tell Him to speed it up. Just get me through it as fast as possible. Help me to learn whatever it is I need to learn so the pain can end. Fast forward this bad boy, and get me to the happily ever after.

And then I get convicted.

I am desiring comfort and relief more than I am desiring to know Christ better. I would rather feel good now than walk the long, hard road that leads to an unbelievably satisfying relationship with the Lover of my soul.

There was a guy in the Bible just like me. He asked Jesus what he had to do to get eternal life. And knowing that the man's sense of security and comfort was in his great wealth, Jesus told him he had to sell everything he owned, give the money he made to the poor, and come follow Jesus (Matthew 19:16-22).

Jesus wasn't just trying to promote humanitarianism in this story. He was trying to illustrate in a tangible way that unless we are willing to give up everything that makes us comfortable to know Jesus more deeply, we need to seriously consider whether we actually love Jesus as much as we like to say we do.

After Jesus told the rich man what he had to do to get eternal life, the Bible says, "the man went away sad because he had great wealth," (Matthew 19:22). The man wanted eternal life, but not enough to give up his money.

How would you complete this sentence:

I want a deeper relationship with Jesus, but not enough to give up __________________.

Whatever you put in that blank is an idol. The rich man was sold out to his money. And it was his god.

I find it interesting that the man didn't walk away feeling justified or confident that he had made the right decision. No, he was sad. He knew in his heart that he was missing out on something wonderful. But he just couldn't get it through his thick skull.

His worldly logic failed him.

He kept his money. He desired comfort and familiarity over Jesus. And he lost his soul.

When we find ourselves in the middle of a painful situation, we can pursue comfort, or we can pursue Jesus.

Comfort is temporary.

Jesus is forever.

Jesus: Not Just Another Rent-a-Cop

2011-03-23T14:49:00.000-05:00

Insecurity.

We all struggle with it. Especially us women.

We are insecure about everything - how we look, how we don't look, who we're friends with, how many people we're friends with, why we don't have more friends, what we know, what we don't know, how well we fulfill our numerous roles, our value to others, our value to God, how well we're doing at "being a Christian", what others might think about us, what we think about ourselves. And that's only the tip of the iceberg.

I discovered a new insecurity today: I am insecure about having insecurities! I don't want anyone to know they exist or how much time I spend fretting about them. I don't want to appear weak or unworthy of love... I don't mind if people think I make bad choices from time to time or that I don't have it all together, I just don't want them to ever discover I have low self-esteem.

I was thinking about this today, and Jesus said, "I am the essence of security. Because you have me, you are more secure than most people. Not only is your salvation secure (John 10:28), your identity (Isaiah 43:1) and your value are secure through me (Matthew 10:31). Tap into that. I stabilize you emotionally and steady you spiritually when you take the time to focus on Me."

Focus on Him.

Hmm.

Maybe I spend too much time focusing on me - what I am not and what I can't do and all the ways in which I am failing at life. I am so busy wallowing in me that I never get around to focusing on Him - His goodness, His grace, and His truth.

That reminds me of John 3:30, "He must become greater; I must become less." Focus on Him more; focus on me less.

Jesus offers us rock-solid security that we need now as well as when we die. Believers are secure, whether they feel like it or not.

It's time to live in that truth.

I Killed Jesus

2011-03-14T14:10:00.000-05:00

In Revelation 12:10, we are told that Satan stands in Heaven, day and night, accusing us before God. "Accusing us of what?" you might ask. Job 1:9-11 indicates at least one thing Satan accuses believers of - not really loving God. We're only in it for the blessings, Satan says. Day and night, Satan tries to convince God that we believers don't love God for who He is; we love Him for what He gives us.

And, from time to time, Satan is right.

All too often, I love God for what He does for me, not for who He is.

I don't have proof, but I have a hunch Satan accuses us of a lot more than being fair weather believers. Like a tattling sibling, I think Satan tells God a million reasons why we deserve punishment.

"Kelly succumbed to that temptation today, Lord. She doesn't deserve Your love."

"Kelly chose herself over You just now, Lord. You shouldn't bless her anymore."

"Kelly deliberately disobeyed You, Lord. She deserves Your wrath."

On and on the Accuser goes, often making sure I am painfully aware of what he's telling God. The good news is Satan isn't the only one petitioning the Lord. The Bible tells believers, "If anybody does sin, we have one who speaks to the Father in our defense—Jesus Christ," (1 John 2:1).

Right next to the Accuser, Jesus Himself is defending us! He is saying, "Lord, I've paid for Kelly's sins with my own blood. She stands forgiven. Bless her and love her as if she had never sinned in the first place," (Hebrews 8:12; Romans 5:1-2).

A mental battle ensues. Am I going to believe what Satan says about me, "She is guilty! She is guilty!" Or am I going to believe what God says about me, "She is forgiven! She is forgiven!"

Revelation 12:11 tells us Satan can be overcome by the blood of the Lamb. When Satan tries to make you feel guilty for sin of which you've already repented, proclaim the forgiven state in which you perpetually live through Christ. Also, let the idea that Christ had to give his very blood on account of our sinful choices motivate you to sin no more. Sin is murderous. It killed Christ! Too often we think of our sins as harmless transgressions. But the truth is Christ would never have been beaten and crucified if I, Kelly Levatino, had never sinned. I don't think it is taking it too far to say, in a way, I killed Jesus.

And so did you.

Let that sink in. Let it break your heart. And let it motivate you to resist sin with renewed vigor.

You can do it; He can help (1 Corinthians 10:13).

Do You WANT to Be Healed?

2011-03-11T10:21:00.001-06:00

If you've been on this planet for any measurable amount of time, you've been hurt. You've been beat up emotionally by people who love you, by people who despise you, and by all the people whose affections lie somewhere in between. People have harmed your psyche deliberately and unknowingly. There is no escaping messy relationships. I imagine that even if you holed up on an island all alone, eventually, your feelings would be hurt by birds that ignored you and volleyballs named Wilson.

These hurts pile up until we are so weighed down that we can't seem to do anything without our baggage making itself known. In response, some of us quit. We quit relationships and activities because we just know our baggage will ruin them. So why bother? Some of us try to ignore. We press on in life, pretending that we don't have the baggage we know we do. We act like we are fine, and it's everybody else who has problems. But when we finally admit that quitting and ignoring don't help (in fact, they amplify the pain), we reach our last resort... We seek healing.

We seek healing in food. And in people. And in success. And in a million other places.

Turns out, though, we don't get healing from those things. We get distraction. We get temporary pacification. We get physical and emotional pleasure. But we don't get healing.

Our baggage needs more than chocolate, a significant other, or a promotion at work.

Our baggage needs Christ.

Some of you are done reading this. But hear me out.

In John 5 Jesus bumps into a man who had been an invalid for 38 years. Verse 6 says, "When Jesus saw him lying there and learned that he had been in this condition for a long time, he asked him, 'Do you want to get well?'"

I find it interesting that Jesus did not assume this man wanted to get well. Apparently, some of us are not discontent enough with our wounds to truly desire healing. And, at least in this case, Jesus wasn't going to force healing on him.

We get a choice.

Do we want healing or not?

The invalid did. His response to Jesus was, "I have no one to help me into the pool when the water is stirred. While I am trying to get in, someone else goes down ahead of me."

The invalid wanted healing. He pursued healing. He put himself in the place where healing was likely to occur (by the water). He tried to heal himself (by trying to get in the pool under his own power), but when that didn't work, he acknowledged he needed help.

And you know what Christ did? He healed the invalid. John 5:9 says, "At once the man was cured."

AT ONCE!

So, do you want to be healed? Are you pursuing it? Are you in the right place? Are you acknowledging that YOU CAN'T HEAL YOURSELF? Are you asking Christ to do it? Are you believing He can and will heal you from whatever colorful baggage you have?

It's possible.

It was possible for the invalid.

And it's possible for you and me.

What God Isn't Telling Us

2011-03-05T20:55:00.000-06:00

I started kindergarten as the only kid in my class that could read books by herself. When I was in fourth grade, my classmates nicknamed me The Human Dictionary, and my teacher thought I had what it took to become America's first female president (that's a compliment, right?). In eighth grade, when I moved to a new middle school on the other side of the country, they had to ship me off to the high school each morning for an advanced math class no teacher at the middle school could/would teach. When high school graduation occurred, I was ranked #20 out of 436 students (top 5%). My bachelor's degree was paid for by Crichton College, and I graduated with honors.

All that to say, a gigantic part of who I am is what I know and how well I express it. My feelings of self-worth, security, and pride all rest on my ability to excel intellectually.

And that's a problem.

Because God doesn't tell us everything.

We can't know everything about Him, His Word, His ways, or His plans (Isaiah 55:9, Acts 1:7, 1 Corinthians 1:25, Revelation 10:4).

And if our spiritual security rests in our ability to answer every question critics of Christianity propose, we may as well quit now.

Sometimes this truth paralyzes a knowledge-junkie like me. When I come across passages of Scripture that don't make sense to me, or that seem to contradict other passages, or that flat out tell me I can't know everything about God, I feel like I am free-falling in the most dangerous kind of way.

But if I push through that instability, I realize not being able to know it all is actually a gift. Because I am not able to know it, I don't have to.

God has taken the pressure off of me to know everything about everything. I don't have to know all the answers to all the questions about God. I don't have to have sound arguments for every perplexing idea in Scripture. I don't have to know beyond a shadow of a doubt what I think about deep theological issues. There is no longer shame in uttering the phrase, "I don't know." I don't have to feel like my faith is threatened when I can't find satisfying, comprehensible answers all the time.

To be sure, I am not advocating blind faith or the lack of absolute truth. There are plenty of absolutes we can and need to know. I am simply saying that my identity and my salvation come from my relationship with the Lord Jesus Christ (1 Thessalonians 5:9), not from how sharp my intellect is on any given day.

We can't know what God isn't telling us. And I am thankful for that freedom.

When Church is Messy

2011-02-22T10:52:00.001-06:00

In the past four months, two men on senior staff at my church have resigned. By all accounts, these men love the Lord, His Word, and His Church with their whole beings. Yet, on separate occasions, each man stood before the congregation and announced his decision to step down, but neither man said why. Both times the congregation was left to draw its own conclusions. And people rarely conclude anything positive in these situations. In fact, most of us assume the worst and lack the discipline to not contribute to the various conspiracy theories that are circulating.

I don't know about the rest of you, but I respond to these kinds of sudden, mysterious changes in leadership at my church with anger, bitterness, and skepticism. I don't like tangible proof that forces me to acknowledge that the Church is messy. My church. Your church. The Church universal. I like to operate as if the Church can and should be perfect and blameless. I hold the Church to a higher standard. If a problem arises, mature Christians ought to solve them lovingly each and every time. It doesn't matter what the issue is, if the people love the Lord and are submitted to Him, my heart says there should never be division.

The problem with that perspective, though, is it fails to take into account that Christians are just as fallen as everybody else. We are just as prone to giving in to our sinful tendencies as the rest of the world. We don't always see the truth; we don't always act lovingly; we don't always choose to obey the Lord in every situation. We rebel. We choose self over Christ. We dig our heels in when we think we are right, no matter the cost. We also often misunderstand the Scriptures and unintentionally misinterpret the Lord's will. Our imperfect thinking and our naturally unruly hearts result in pain and strife more often than Christians want to admit.

It is no wonder, then, that the Church is messy. As much as I want the Church to be perfect, it never will be this side of Heaven. So what are we to do with that? I am thinking we have to find a way to live that shows an unbelieving world that, despite our screw ups, we still have something they desperately need.

We have to highlight the fact that when Church is messy, it's not because the God of that Church slacked off or made a mistake or isn't as good/powerful as the people of the Church claim. Church is messy because it is full of broken people. Just like the world. The world is messy because it is full of broken people. When churches fight, divide, collapse, or otherwise stumble, they are illustrating in bright, bold colors how desperately they need a savior! After all, if the Church, full of God's people, can't get it right, for crying out loud, who can?

The answer is no one. The Bible says, "There is no one who is righteous...All have turned away, and they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good" (Romans 3:10-12). But, "You see, at just the right time, when we were still powerless, Christ died for the ungodly [read: all of us!]...God demonstrates his own love for us in this: While we were still sinners, Christ died for us," reconciling us to Himself, saving us from the mess we insist on creating (Romans 5:6-8).

It doesn't matter who is right and who is wrong in my church's situation. What matters is that we remember this truth: WE NEED THE LORD! We are fully incapable of "doing church well" without Him. He is our source of truth, peace, and power. Without Him, all our works are rubbish (Philippians 3:8-9). If we want to overcome our sinful selves, we need, "Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us" (Philippians 3:20).

He can do more than I can imagine.... I am imagining a Church that isn't messy. He can do more... He can make a Church that is clean (Revelation 21:1-4).

How to (Not) Start the Day

2011-02-16T11:01:00.000-06:00

Most mornings start the same way at my house. One of the girls jars me out of my sleep, I scowl at the clock, and then I wonder how long I can ignore my children before the 3-yr-old wants breakfast or the 18-month-old's sweet jibber-jabber turns into, "GET ME OUT OF THIS CRIB, WOMAN!" screams. Sometimes I can get away with lying lifeless in bed for as long as 10 minutes. So I use that time like most of you would - to feel the full weight of my bad mood. I soak in my grumpiness until my attitude hits rock bottom. I know I am fully marinated when I think to myself, "I do not want ANY PART OF THIS DAY!" Ding - I'm ready!

Ready for what, you ask?

Ready to bring my selfish outlook to the Lord. By this point, I usually have about 2 more minutes left before I HAVE to get up and go be the best mom ever for 14 hours straight (no pressure, right?). I know I can't do that while in such a stellar frame of mind, so I do the only thing I can do and tell God that truth. My confession usually goes something like this, "Lord, I do not have the energy to do today. I am sleepy and grumpy and 'servant-hearted' is the last phrase anyone would use to describe me right now. I cannot do this. If I am going to reflect you in any kind of way today, You are going to have to make it happen."

And you know what happens? I get out of my warm bed and stumble across the hall to my baby. And she never fails to greet me with a sweet smile, arms extended toward me, and, "Hi! Hold you!" And before I can even pick her up, 90% of my crap mood has faded. Don't get me wrong, I could go back to bed and not think twice about it. But that's not an option. So I take her downstairs, where her older sister is consumed with cartoons, and we begin our day together. And by the time I finish a cup of coffee, I am generally free of pessimistic thoughts.

I believe the only reason I can come to a place of enjoying my stay-at-home-mom routine, with all of its drudgery, is not because I have amazingly sweet, bright, and cute children (which I do, by the way), and not because I consume an average of 3 caffeinated beverages a day (which I do, by the way), and not because I have a wonderful husband who provides for us AND helps me with the domestic duties when he is home (which I do, by the way), and not because I sneak M&Ms all day while my children aren't looking (which I do...sigh). I know me too well, and ALL those great things combined are not enough to tame the twin lions of pessimism and selfishness within me.

No, I believe the ONLY reason a glass-half-empty kind of woman like myself can ever have a day where she brings the Lord honor in at least a few of her words and actions is because she ASKS HIM TO DO IT (Philippians 4:6; Hebrews 4:15-16).

Last year I studied Angela Thomas' A Beautiful Offering, and the main idea is we are broken people who are UNABLE to do good things for the Lord in our own strength. When we come before Him, acknowledging our downfalls, and offer ourselves JUST AS WE ARE to Him, He LOVES to swoop in and do grand things through us (See Romans 7:18-25). It is in this manner that He displays His power and love for all to see.

Even in the life of a stay-at-home mom.

Moms: 6 Easy Ways to Get More God in Your Day

2011-02-10T19:38:00.000-06:00

I wrote a guest post for 6:33 Woman today. This website is chock full of tidbits for moms and Christians. Whether you're looking for recipes, craft ideas, coupons or daily devotionals, this site has something for you. So check out my article and take a spin around the rest of the site! And thanks, Amy Dunbar, for the opportunity to contribute to your site!

Bible Study Resources: Rev. 7-9

2011-02-09T18:40:00.001-06:00

Selected commentary on Revelation 7, 8 and 9 adapted from David Guzik at Blue Letter Bible.

Rev. 7

Who are the 144,000?

Characteristics: The “children of Israel” (7:4), protected and triumphant through the period of God’s wrath, meeting with Jesus at Mount Zion at His return (14:1), celibate and “the beginning of a greater harvest” (14:4), marked by integrity and faithfulness (14:5). It is best to see the 144,000 as specifically chosen Jewish believers in Jesus, protectively sealed throughout the tribulation as the beginning of the harvest of the salvation of Israel (Ro. 11:26, Mt. 23:37-39).

v. 9 – salvation is God’s to give, not ours to earn.

v. 13 - The presence of so many tribulation saints is a powerful statement of God’s grace and mercy. Even in this time of judgment and wrath on the earth, many are saved. They are possible martyrs, dressed like the “souls under the altar”, whose number is now complete (6:11)

v. 14 – only the blood of the Lamb could clean their robes - Though your sins are like scarlet, they shall be as white as snow; though they are red like crimson, they shall be as wool. (Isaiah 1:18)

Rev. 8

v. 1 - this silence in heaven demonstrates a sober, awestruck silence at the judgments to come, now that the seals are off and the scroll can be opened.

v. 2 - seven trumpets will sound as God’s battle-alarm during the great tribulation (OT ref.)

v. 3-4 - Prayer and incense are often associated in the Bible. The idea is that just as incense is precious, pleasant, and drifts to heaven, so do our prayers. So here, before anything happens at the opening of the seventh seal, the prayers of God’s people come before the Lord God.

The first 4 trumpets reveal the severity of God’s judgment. He attacks all the ordinary means of subsistence, such as food and water; and He attacks all the ordinary means of comfort, and knowledge, such as light and the regular rhythm of days. We know the great humility that comes upon men in the midst of something like an earthquake, because they know that “nature” is not as reliable as they had thought. The first four trumpets also reveal the mercy of God’s judgment; these are partial judgments striking only one-third, and are meant to warn and lead a rebellious world to repentance before the final curtain. For now, God spares more than He smites.

v. 7 - God may use whatever method He desires to bring judgment, but people on earth know these events are from God, and do not think them to be merely natural disasters (Revelation 16:9; 16:11; 19:19).

v. 8-9 - some literal mass of land, probably a meteor or asteroid, falling into the sea and bringing ecological disaster.

v. 10-11 – possibly a comet or meteor crashing into the earth and bring ecological disaster; Wormwood is a very bitter substance, and proverbial for bitterness and sadness.

v. 12 - This does not describe a one-third lessening of light, but one-third of the day and night are plunged into absolute darkness. As Jesus said: the sun will be darkened, and the moon will not give its light (Matthew 24:29).

Rev. 9

v. 1 – the “star” is a person (“he” in v. 2), best seen as an angel; whether he is a good or bad angel depends on his relation to the angel of the bottomless pit in Revelation 9:11. If the angel of Revelation 9:1 one is the same as the angel of Revelation 9:11, it is an evil angel - perhaps Satan himself. If it is a different angel, it may be a good angel sent by God to open up this bottomless pit for the purposes of judgment.

v. 2 – “the Abyss” = bottomless pit = considered the realm of the dead, the same as Hades, a prison for certain demons (Luke 8:31; 2 Peter 2:4, and Jude 1:6).

v. 3 - as part of the judgment of the great tribulation, God will allow demonic hordes, previously imprisoned, to descend upon the earth like a swarm of destructive locusts. Locusts are agents of God’s judgment in the OT.

v. 4 - Those who have the seal of God on their foreheads (the 144,000 and perhaps more) are protected, but none other are. This is an inescapable judgment of God

v. 5 - Their purpose and period is expressly governed by God, and the purpose of all this to bring repentance

v. 6-10 - All we can know for sure is that in the period immediately before the end the wicked will be subjected to a time of unprecedented demonic torment

v. 11 - Abaddon and Apollyon both have the same thought of destruction or torment; Satan himself or another high-ranking leader of demons.

v. 13 - In the tabernacle and temple of Israel, the golden altar was the altar of incense, which was a representation of the prayers of God’s people. Atoning blood was applied to the horns. From these horns, John hears a voice. In this, John recalls a persistent theme: the prayers of God’s people play a large role in the end-times drama.

v. 14 - The Euphrates was a landmark of ancient Babylon. It was the frontier of the Israel’s land as fully promised by God (Genesis 15:17-21). It was also the boundary of the old Roman Empire, which will be revived under the Antichrist. It was also associated with the first sin (Genesis 2:10-14), the first murder (Genesis 4:16), the first organized revolt against God (Genesis 11:1-9), the first war confederation (Genesis 14:1), and the first dictatorship (Genesis 10:8-10).

v. 16 – the army – possibly human soldiers, but more likely demonic troops, flooding the Earth.

v. 20 - 21 - we are so quick to forget God’s lessons, even the lessons that come in judgment.

Free Samples of Grace and Mercy

2011-02-04T14:45:00.002-06:00

I've heard a lot of people say that the reason you should forgive someone who has hurt you is so you won't be weighed down by holding a grudge. It doesn't matter if the other person is sorry or if he is even aware that he has something to be sorry for. It's not about the other person; it's about your finding freedom from the pain.

And that might be true. But what if forgiveness is about something bigger than that?

A lot of times the person who has been hurt thinks that forgiveness is theirs to give. We act like we have grace and mercy stored up within us, and, when we deem someone worthy, we can offer them forgiveness out of the goodness of our hearts.

That sounds noble. But it's not. It's a self-centered lie that cheapens the act of forgiveness.

The truth is we are no better than the person who hurt us. We are all guilty of hurting others from time to time. The other truth is grace and mercy are never ours to give. We can't produce them. They are unnatural. We can force ourselves to play nice, but we know, in the depths of our hearts, we still despise them for what they did.

Jesus is the source of all mercy and grace (Jhn 1:17) . And when we experience His forgiveness personally, it inspires us to show the same grace to others (as opposed to giving a counterfeit version of man made grace, complete with strings attached) .

When others hurt us, we should think, "Let me show you the Lord's grace in our situation because His grace is so fantastic I can't contain myself! I want everyone to experience it!" We share the grace and mercy we have been the recipients of because we are keenly aware of just how much we ourselves have been forgiven.

We are grace peddlers, if you will, giving out free samples of grace and mercy when others offend us. Hopefully, they will find the samples so delicious that all they can think about is getting more. They'll realize they've never experienced anything so delightful, and they'll begin to crave grace and mercy in larger quantities.

They'll have to go to the Maker; we peddlers only carry around a limited supply. And that is the bigger point of forgiveness. When we are willing to forgive, sharing a taste of Christ's mercy and grace with others, the experience draws them (and us) to the Father.

The Book of Life

2011-01-28T14:33:00.001-06:00

I am teaching a Bible study on the Book of Revelation right now. Luckily, I have a little help from Beth Moore. (Ok, a lot of help.) Yesterday in our small group we studied the letters to the 7 churches in Rev. 2 and 3. There was one idea, the Book of Life, that we were unable to get to because of time. Truth be told, I am glad we didn't get to it; I didn't have any helpful knowledge about it. But some had questions about it afterward, and it is such an important concept, I went home and researched it. After looking at some commentaries and bouncing ideas off my go-to Bible scholar, here are my conclusions.

Ch. 3, vs. 5, says "He who overcomes will, like them, be dressed in white. I will never blot out his name from the book of life, but will acknowledge his name before my Father and his angels."

What is the book of life?
It is a real book that will be opened and read on the Day of Judgment (that is, the day God decides who goes to Heaven and who goes to Hell). Rev. 20:12 says, "And I saw the dead, small and great, standing before God, and books were opened. And another book was opened, which is the Book of Life. And the dead were judged according to their works, by the things which were written in the books." Verse 15 says, "And anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire." Having our names in the book of life is our ticket to Heaven.

How do we get our names in the book of life?
Some believe the book of life is a record of all who are born. Upon death, those who are righteous retain their names in the book of life, but those who are unrighteous are blotted out of the book of life (Ps. 69:28). Others believe that only believers' names ever get written in the book of life, and God wrote those names there before the foundation of the world (Rev. 13:18, 17:8). Either way, the fact remains that the only way sinful people like us can be declared righteous is through faith in Jesus (Ro. 3:22). All who accept Christ as their Lord and Savior are deemed righteous in God's eyes and keep/have their names written in the book of life.

Can our names ever be removed from the book of life?
In the ancient world, the concept of "blotting out" someone's name meant to remove a dead or imprisoned person's name from the city's book of the living (think census). Those who believe the book of life is a record of all who are born think that, just as it was possible to have one's name removed from the city's book of life, an unbeliever's name is removed from Christ's book of life upon death. Meanwhile, those who believe God wrote only believers' names in the book of life before the foundation of the world necessarily say that no one's name is ever removed from the book of life.

It is important to note that Rev. 3:5 is NOT necessarily implying that he who does NOT overcome WILL have his name blotted out from the book of life. We can imply that if we choose, but it is not necessary to assume from this one verse that we can lose our salvation. In fact, reading such an implication into the text would be irresponsible Bible interpretation. What the verse is DEFINITELY saying is that those who overcome are GUARANTEED their spot in Heaven. This verse is meant to provide assurance. The names of those who overcome will be forever written in Christ's book of life.

Can we ever lose our salvation?
Because Rev. 3:5 brings this question to mind, let's talk about it. This article does a fabulous job of presenting clearly many scriptures that support the idea of "once saved, always saved". There is no point in me reinventing the wheel, so have a look at it :)

What's the bottom line?
A lot of smart people have differing opinions on how to interpret this verse. We are wise to consider them all for ourselves. Whatever conclusion we come to, we are also wise to discuss our opinions humbly and with an open mind, allowing the Lord to change our opinions whenever He wants to. Also, if you focus your energy on pursuing the Lord and His Word, you won't have to ever worry about losing your salvation :)

Loneliness Defined

2011-01-22T10:38:00.001-06:00

A friend and I were talking awhile back about a book that suggests all people, at their core, are alone. We feel this loneliness, and it motivates us to invest in relationships that will counteract our lonely feelings. We long for quality community with others because we experience love within relationships, and love is the antithesis of loneliness. Or, as my friend put it, loneliness is the absence of love.

Just as dark is the absence of light and cold is the absence of heat, loneliness is the absence of love. If it weren't for loneliness, we would never realize we long for and need love. And if we never come to that realization, we certainly never conclude that we long for and need God. So loneliness serves as a compass. When we experience loneliness, it is God's hope that we will realize it is Him, Love, that we want.

I think it is safe to assume that many of you are like me. When we start to feel lonely, we wallow. We think about the "friends" that don't call us. We entertain the idea that no one really understands us. We assume that everyone else has more fulfilling relationships than we do. We feel our loneliness. But we fail to use the loneliness the way God intends for us to use it; we fail to let our feelings direct us to the Answer.

And that breaks God's heart.

God is good through and through, and, because of that, He doesn't enjoy our being lonely. He hates it. He hates the emotional turmoil we go through. He weeps when we weep. His heart breaks over our pain. But He knows that unless we feel that loneliness, we won't come to Him. And He hates that even more. He knows that the best place for each of us to be is in a personal relationship with Him. And because He wants what is best for us, He does whatever it takes to encourage us to engage with Him.

So the next time we are feeling the pain of loneliness, let's not stop there. Let's use that pain as a catalyst to draw nearer to the Lord. That's why that pain exists in the first place. And He is the only Love that can take it away.

On Love and Fulfillment

2011-01-20T14:48:00.000-06:00

I heard something interesting from the honorable Beth Moore today. She said, "If we don't love God, we'll love anything."

It's probably no surprise to you that I think she's right. All people are created with a God-shaped hole in their emotional hearts. God did this on purpose because He desires a relationship with us (and, by the way, a relationship with Him is in our best interest). He gave us the internal drive to seek Him out by making it painful and unbeneficial for us to do life without Him.

We may not recognize them as such, but all the pangs of dissatisfaction, loneliness and despair that we experience on a daily basis are symptoms of a God-void. And because these emotions are painful, we'll do anything to try to eliminate them. We try to find something to cram into our hearts so we'll feel whole. Lots of us use food. I hear some people use exercise. Others go to extremes with drugs and alcohol. Whatever can dull the pain, we use it. Most of us, however, use people. We demand that our spouses, friends and family fulfill our emotional needs.

The problem with all of these things, though, is that none of them are God. Therefore, they aren't able to permanently satisfy; they aren't able to completely satisfy; they aren't able to purely satisfy.

Only a perfect God can satisfy the longing of a human heart in a broken world for a sustained amount of time. Cookies get eaten, miles are run, beers are drunk, and people disappoint us. But an unchanging God can permanently satisfy us if we let Him.

Those other avenues of fulfillment often have undesirable side effects as well. When someone looks to food for emotional fulfillment, they often throw nutrition out the window, risking their health in a myriad of ways. And, if The Biggest Loser has taught me anything, an unhealthy dependency on food also hurts your relationships with other people who love you and have to watch you kill yourself with sugar and fat. But that's another post. I've heard about people who become so addicted to working out, trying to find fulfillment in physical achievements and their appearance, that it literally takes over their lives. Alcohol and drugs, even in moderate amounts, can have both side effects - they ruin your body and your relationships. When we look to people, many friendships and relationships break under the strain of being expected to do the impossible - completely fulfill.

God is the only one who is capable of permanently and completely satisfying us. He is also the only pure way to fill the God-shaped holes in our souls. If we selfishly try to force anything else in God's spot, not only will we fail, but we will commit idolatry. Simply put, idolatry is loving anything or anyone more or in the place of God. When we try to medicate our negative emotions with food, hobbies, or people, we are making them our gods.

When you find yourself looking for love in all the wrong places, focus on loving the Lord and letting Him love you. Because "if we don't love God, we'll love anything."

Calculating Grace (and Finding it Doesn't Add Up)

2011-01-10T12:41:00.002-06:00

In case you aren't a details person, I changed the name of the blog. It's been 2.5 years since I started this gig, so it was time for a face lift. "Observations of the Ordinary" was a blog I started to have a space to preserve and share the funny, interesting, and otherwise noteworthy experiences of raising a child. My firstborn gave me plenty of material. But I've found that when it comes to writing, my creative juices have shifted.

Now I am much more interested in writing about spiritual matters - what experiences I am having with God, observations of Christians and the Church, and what the Bible has to do with real life. I have a desire to live a transparent life as a Christian so that those around me (whether they have similar or vastly different beliefs) can see how relational faith in God is not only possible but immeasurably more glorious than everything else in life.

With that shift of focus in mind, I've changed the name of the blog to "Calculating Grace". What does that mean? It means I, like many Christians, spend far too much time trying to understand why God loves us and wants anything to do with us. We know He does, via our own experiences and what the Bible teaches, but we often feel like we can't accept His love. When we do the math, our sinfulness makes us feel unworthy of a Holy God's love. When we try to calculate His grace, wanting to grasp how our sin + accepting Jesus' sacrifice = unlimited grace, we find it doesn't add up. And that is precisely the beauty of it.

The Bible says, "⁴ But God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, ⁵ that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. (It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!) ⁶ For he raised us from the dead along with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms because we are united with Christ Jesus. ⁷ So God can point to us in all future ages as examples of the incredible wealth of his grace and kindness toward us, as shown in all he has done for us who are united with Christ Jesus. ⁸ God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. ⁹ Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it."

Not one of us deserves God's love. It can't be earned. It doesn't make any sense that He would show us an ounce of kindness. We can try to calculate grace, but we will find it doesn't add up.

Thank God it doesn't have to.

One Reason I Know There is a God

2011-01-03T14:29:00.001-06:00

Life has been putting me through the wringer lately. Actually, most of the time, I've been putting myself through the wringer via my own stupid choices. But that's neither here nor there.

I went to church Sunday feeling particularly empty of hope, joy, peace, energy, etc. And as I sat on the pew (Do we still call it a pew even though it is a cushy chair hooked to two other cushy chairs? I don't think that is a pew proper. It needs a new name... I'm sure Jon Acuff can come up with one...), not really wanting to be there, the band began to play David Crowder's "How He Loves". As I sang the words just above a whisper, the Holy Spirit burst into my consciousness like Kramer entering Jerry's apartment. And He (the Holy Spirit, not Kramer) whispered a soothing message of His love to me. It was one of those situations when you just know that God has orchestrated the entire morning around those few moments. It simply cannot be a coincidence, not because I don't believe in coincidences, but because the words of that particular song were the only words that God could have spoken to me that morning to make me believe His love for me is true.

For those skeptics out there, I will fill in a few more details. My younger daughter was sick Sunday morning. I could have been the one to stay home with her, letting my husband take our older daughter to church. But I didn't. For those who are keeping score, God's Blessing My Selfishness 1, Serving Husband By Staying Home with Sick Child 0.

But that's not all. I was late to service on Sunday, so "How He Loves" was the only song I was present for. The worship leader could have not only not picked that song for that Sunday, but he also could have played it in four other song slots, if you will, and I would have missed it. But he didn't. Instead, God purposely used that song as His avenue of choice to speak personally to me.

And the truth is, I have a thousand other stories just like this one. When they start to add up like that, you just can't call it coincidence anymore; you have to call it God.

Why Thanksgiving Day Comes Before Christmas Day

2010-12-17T11:01:00.001-06:00

(For those who are impatient, the last sentence tells you why.)

Each morning I bring my 17 month old baby downstairs, and she points at the Christmas tree. With an urgency that isn't necessary, she repeats, "YIGHTS! YIGHTS!" She looks at me expectantly. If I don't move toward the tree fast enough, she toddles over to the outlet and tries to plug the tree in herself. My favorite part of Christmas 2010 so far is watching her little face the instant the tree lights up. Her joyful brown eyes fill with glee. Her little mouth forms a circle as she exhales, "Oooooo..." just above a whisper. Then a smile consumes her face and a squeal of delight fills our home.

I imagine we will have a similar reaction the moment we enter Heaven and see Christ for the first time.

We watched A Charlie Brown Christmas last night as a family. Linus' monologue on the meaning of Christmas always puts me in the right frame of mind. As I listened to him for the one thousandth time last night, one part stuck out to me. After the angel told the shepherds where to find Jesus, the Gospel of Luke says, "Suddenly, a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 'Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests.'"

Can you imagine the awe with which the shepherds watched these angels? Maybe they froze and stared. Maybe they wept. Maybe they were scared. Maybe they joined the angels, and praised the Lord. Whatever their response was, whether literally or metaphorically, surely their circular mouths exhaled awe.

That's a great story. But what does it have to do with me today?

We are not in Heaven yet. We can't hear angels praising God. We don't see Jesus. We are quick to forget about the supernatural realm. So how can we operate out of the same kind of awe the shepherds experienced?

After the shepherds found Jesus and reported what the angel had said concerning Him, the Bible says, "The shepherds returned (home to their fields?), glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen."

I think the key to living our lives with the proper sense of awe toward the Lord is to glorify and praise God for all the things we HAVE heard and seen. In other words, remember. Recount often how the Lord has worked in your life. Tell your children (Ps. 78:4-7). Tell a stranger (Is. 63:7). Share your testimony. Recall daily how the Lord has blessed you, and why He is worthy of your praise (Ps. 126:3).

Hebrews 12 says, "Therefore, since we are receiving a kingdom that cannot be shaken, let us be thankful, and so worship God acceptably with reverence and awe." Being thankful is what causes us to be able to worship God with reverence and awe.

What are you thankful for? Tell someone. And let that thankfulness blossom into worship of the One who is worthy.

Dare to Dream

2010-12-06T14:24:00.004-06:00

As I walked on the treadmill with “What Can I Bring?” (Jeremy Riddle) playing on my iPod, I felt God say, “Dare to dream.” It was a message that He had given a friend earlier in the day. I read on her Facebook status that He was asking her to dream, and I thought, “That’s kind of neat.” A couple hours later, He was asking me to dream…

I often have a longing to be a part of something big that God is doing. Something HUGE. Something bigger than diapers and pediatrician appointments. I know my role as wife and mom and the spiritual implications my “work” has on my family are HUGE. I am irreplaceable in my husband’s life. There is no substitute for me in my girls’ hearts. I am not indispensable or invisible. I MATTER. I am invaluable to my family members’ physical and spiritual lives. I know.

And, yet, I long to be a part of something even BIGGER.

As God invited me to dream today, I imagined how exciting it would be to go with God on a journey a la Beth Moore or Priscilla Shirer. These women – wives and moms FIRST – ministers of God’s Word SECOND – are chosen by God to use their gifts of writing and teaching to reach MILLIONS of women worldwide. They are uniquely anointed to join God in what HE is doing in the hearts of women who are hungry for more intimate relationships with the One who loves them most.

And, when I dare to dream, I WANT TO BE USED LIKE THAT!

There are a lot of practical (as well as irrational) reasons why I can’t be the next generation’s Beth Moore. But if I shush those thoughts for just a minute, my heart soars in the excitement of the possibility. At the same time, my soul is overwhelmed that my God would even consider someone so unworthy as myself to represent Him on a grand scale.

I don’t want to be a prominent Christian author and speaker so people will praise me. I just want a front row seat to watch the Lord move in spectacular ways in as many people's lives as possible as often as possible. At the heart of this dreaming is a simple desire - I want more of God. As much as I can in this finite body, I want to be a part of everything God does wherever He is doing it.

The conferences that Beth and Priscilla speak at are filled with the most obvious occurrences of God's active involvement in people's lives. Woman after woman testifies to the miracles the Lord is doing in and for her. Genuine, uninhibited worship of the One true God fills the hearts of all who study under these great teachers. When I dare to dream, there is nothing I would love more than to join God in what He does during those conferences and Bible studies. Just to be a fly on the wall as His Holiness passes through arena after arena, church after church, small group after small group… I’m not sure any other experience on Earth can fill me with as much continued praise and adoration for Him (in other words - worship).

All of these thoughts crossed my mind as I exercised this morning. The next song on my iPod came on. "If You Say Go" (Diane Thiel). It was all I could do not to close my eyes and lift my hands in worship on the treadmill. (That would have been disastrous, right?!) I don’t know what all of these thoughts mean. But I am reminded of something I heard once. Don’t tell God what you want to do for Him; ask God what He wants you to do for Him. He stirred my heart to dream this dream this morning – of that I am sure. Now I sit and ask Him, “Lord, what do You want me to do for You?”

New Women's Bible Studies

2010-11-27T08:20:00.002-06:00

Ladies,

Come join me for the next batch of women's Bible studies. I will be leading a small group on Thursday mornings as we study Revelation via Beth Moore's workbook and video series. I cannot describe how the Lord blessed the women in our Bible study last semester. If you are looking for other women who are dealing with real life crap, real life questions, and real life blessings, come check us out. Here are the details on the Revelation study as well as others being offered beginning in January. Get connected - you won't regret it :)

Revelation
Join us every Thursday at 9:30 a.m. and 6:30 p.m. beginning January 6 in the fellowship hall. We will be studying Here and Now-There and Then by Beth Moore. This Bible study is an 11 session lecture series on the book of Revelation. She presents many points of view, allowing women to decide for themselves when the interpretation varies among scholars. She teaches that God is as specific about what He does reveal as He is about what He does not reveal. Childcare is available both sessions. For further information, please call the Womens Ministries office at 901-255-8113.

Genesis
Join us every Thursday at 9:30 a.m. in the Junior High room and 6:30 p.m. in the choir room beginning January 6. We will be studying Genesis Part I - The Creation by Kay Arthur. Can you defend creation against evolution? Learn how the world was created and how man came into being as you study both biblical and scientific accounts from Genesis chapters 1-2. Childcare is available both sessions. For further information, please call the Women's Ministries office at 901-255-8113.

Hope to see YOU there!
Kelly Levatino

Thanksgiving Video with My Girls

2010-11-25T09:08:00.000-06:00

Being a parent is a privilege, not a right or a guarantee. I am thankful for not one, but TWO healthy, happy, beautiful little girls to call my own. And thankful for their awesome daddy. I am blessed for sure.

Daddies, Daughters, and the Divine

2010-11-23T10:42:00.001-06:00

One of the best parts of my day is when my husband gets home from work. In the past, I have looked forward to 5:45 PM as the time at which my relief pitcher comes into the game. I focused on the time Elian got home like a woman in labor chooses an object to fix her gaze on as she "breathes" through contractions. (Is that even possible? Moms, did any of you actually use a focal point? Or breathing techniques? I think these are just things Hollywood invented. My labors consisted of focusing on things like "Why isn't my epidural working yet?", and my breathing technique went inhale-scream-inhale-cry-inhale-try not to black out from the pain. Never once did Lamaze cross my mind. I digress.)

Lately, my selfish reasons for counting down the seconds until my husband walks through the door have become much less about me. Although 5:45 PM still remains one of my favorite times of the day, the reason why has changed. As soon as Elian opens the door, two little girls drop everything and run to him with squeals of delight, both trying to get the first hug from their daddy.

Yesterday, Lexi was sitting in the recliner looking at a toy she'd gotten in her kids' meal at lunch, and Allie was sitting on the floor playing with a shape sorter. The back door squeaked open. Lexi dropped her toy on the floor, hopped out of the chair as fast as she could and went running to greet her daddy. Allie threw the shape sorter aside, clambered to her feet, shrieking and repeating "Da-dee! Da-dee! Da-dee!" as she toddled into the kitchen as fast as her legs would take her. Both girls stood at Elian's feet with their arms outstretched and their little faces looking up.

For a split second, my husband froze, clearly excited to see his girls, but unsure who to scoop up first. What a magnificent dilemma to have. In that moment my heart was filled with gladness for my husband. Mommies get to experience being the delight of their little ones often. It kind of comes with the territory. Daddies usually get the shaft because they don't get to spend as much time with the kids. And Elian has certainly gotten his fair share of neglect from the girls. But everyday, when he comes home from work, he can count on them being thrilled to see him. He is more important than toys, cartoons, and even Mommy at 5:45 PM. I love it for him. And I am thankful to get to witness this interaction between Daddy and daughters each day.

Jesus says we are to come to Him just as my girls run to their daddy. Jesus wants us, His children, to delight in being with Him more than any other person or thing, to trust Him implicitly, and to experience Him embracing us and blessing us. He wants nothing to hinder our loving Him and receiving His love.

Do you experience Jesus this way? Today choose to make him more important than your toys (material possessions), your cartoons (activities), and your mommy (earthly relationships). You won't be disappointed. And, more importantly, neither will your Daddy.

Strange

2010-11-12T11:10:00.000-06:00

There are a few folks in my life that I am inexplicably drawn to despite not having a lot in common with them, not spending a lot of time with them, and not knowing them all that well. People I cross paths with on occasion and think to myself, "I really like them. I am ALWAYS glad to see them." There is a fondness in my heart towards them, and it's been there since the first day I met them. We may never be regularly involved with one another, yet somehow they impact my heart greatly. Just thinking of them makes me appreciate that we are in some small way connected. My life is better for knowing them even though I don't know them well.

If this post is puzzling to you, it is to me also. I don't understand why my heart works this way or if anyone else's heart works this way. I guess I'll find out when you do or do not comment below :)

KML + Coffee 4 Ever!

2010-11-12T10:34:00.001-06:00

I know this is my second post in a row about coffee, but given that the posts are nearly two weeks apart, I'll allow it, and I hope you will too.

I've been thinking long and hard about my relationship with Coffee. (But not too hard because there are more important things going on in the world... like ice cream... and chocolate...) More specifically, I've been reminiscing about my history with Coffee. We go way back.

I guess we started "talking" when I was in high school. Every week my youth pastor and I would go to Starbucks and enjoy some Bible talk and informal discipleship. I would also enjoy a mocha frappuccino - chocolate, ice, milk and just a hint of espresso blended into bliss.

Then I started college, and Coffee and I took our relationship to the next level. I would study several times per week at Coffee's shop just to be near Coffee. Coffee's comforting aroma and warm touch thrilled me in ways beverages never had before. Soon I found myself spending more and more time with Coffee. In addition to the afternoon study dates, we decided to start each day together. We carpooled to class each morning, enjoying every minute of the commute. As we developed this deeper relationship, Coffee won my heart for good.

Coffee has seen me through a lot over the years. We've celebrated the good times together - meaningful chats with our other friends, life-changing study of God's word, and each beautiful morning the Lord gives us the privilege of which to partake. Coffee has also been there for me through the hard times - late night study sessions, sleep-deprived motherhood, and writer's block.

I would be less than honest if I let you believe Coffee and I have had the perfect marriage. We've had a few bumps along the way. I can remember the time I mistook Coffee's twin, Decaf, for Coffee. I thought Coffee would never forgive me for that one, but we got through it. But Coffee isn't totally innocent. One time at church Coffee thought it would be funny to write Coffee's name on a coffee urn even though he knew full well that the contents of church coffee urns never come close to resembling actual Coffee. I fell for Coffee's little practical joke and experienced the worst impostor coffee EVER. But I'm not bitter. Coffee and I went to counseling over that one, and Coffee has learned to consider my feelings before Coffee pulls pranks.

All in all, Coffee and I couldn't be happier together. Some people will try to tell you that you don't need Coffee to make you happy or to make your life worthwhile, but I disagree. Those people have either never had Coffee or are in relationships with church coffee and want to bring everyone else down with them. Don't listen to them. Go out today and enjoy some time with Coffee.

VIP

2010-10-29T11:21:00.006-05:00

It's no secret that I frequent coffee shops. Despite my typical frugality, I just can't resist a Starbucks mocha and the ambiance of their stores. It is my atmosphere of choice for catching up with friends and for pensive personal time (PPT, if you will). Many a blog posts are written from a comfy leather chair at my local 'bucks. Knowing how ridiculously expensive their beverages are, I typically ask for gift cards for my birthday and Christmas (in case you are wondering, those dates are April 1 and December 25). That way I can enjoy my coffee guilt-free.

Recently, Starbucks has started adding perks for those gift card holders who are willing to register their cards on the company website. In exchange for their ability to track my every purchase, I receive things like free flavors, free refills, and a free birthday drink.

The other day I got something in the mail that had "Starbucks" written on the outside. I opened the envelope and found this:

That, my friends, is a Starbucks Gold Card.

I'm not sure what this means, but the second I saw it, I was instantly convicted that the company has officially recognized that I spend way too much time (read: money) in their establishments. I now have a permanent card just for Starbucks with my name printed on it. It declares that I have been a gift card toting member since 2006. I'm not sure what feelings Starbucks intends for this card to evoke in me...

Superiority? Every time I purchase a drink with this card, am I to believe the baristas will treat me with an unearned respect because I have proof that I regularly shop there? Certainly they don't treat their customers paying with credit cards or cash any differently... Will the other patrons in line ask me for my autograph? Or at least for my opinion on which beverage is the best? They shouldn't. My writing is illegible, and I order one of the same two drinks every time I go there. In reality, I have no idea how most of their drinks taste.

Maybe the company wants me to feel appreciated. They see me. They know my name and how long I've allowed them to track my spending habits. Well, at least their database knows. The truth is, no person at this company knows my name. And they don't have to to make the experience pleasant. Cordial two-minute conversations and warm smiles can be exchanged just as easily with the customer who is a first-time buyer.

I was interested to see what my husband's reaction to my new found Starbucks status would be. I thought he would find it pretty funny. After all, who has ever heard of a gold card for a coffee shop? Kinda silly, right? When he got home from work that night, I said, "Look what I got in the mail today." I handed him the card. His jovial response was, "You know, most guys' wives get sent gold cards to department stores. But not my wife. She gets a coffee gold card. It could be a lot worse."

That put it all in perspective for me. I feel loved that my husband appreciates my "unusual" qualities and accepts me for who I am. I shouldn't feel shame over my gold card. It's just a silly marketing device that thousands of Americans are given each day. Still... I can't help but say, "My name is Kelly, and I'm a coffeeholic."

Something About the Ocean...

2010-10-12T11:10:00.004-05:00

I just got back from spending 3 all-too-short days at the beach in Florida (and 4 all-too-long days in the car traveling to and from Florida). There is nothing I enjoy more than communing with my Creator on the shore of an expansive ocean. It is soothing in a way no other place on Earth is.

The fact that oceans speak to my soul the way they do is like God saying, "I made the ocean for you. I knew you would enjoy it immensely, and, because I love you beyond words, I created a personal gift for you that would really blow your socks off." Certainly I am not the only reason God created the oceans. But He is a personal God, with whom I have a living, breathing relationship. He knows my heart. And I believe He created both the oceans and the desire within me to be near the ocean as often as possible.

The ocean shows me some other things too. It shows me that God appreciates beautiful things and enjoys blowing our finite minds with His creativity. All the different hues in the water, the myriad of shells, the diversity of animals in the sea - they all point to a seriously artistic Maker.

The perfect timing of the tides testifies to God's complete control over every aspect of creation. If the ebb and flow of the water didn't work in unison with the rotation of the earth around the moon at the exact distance we find ourselves, life on Earth may not even exist. I'm not one who believes all of those things happened by chance. And I think the ocean is just one evidence on a long list that validates the theory of intelligent design.

The sheer size of the ocean reminds me that nothing - no problem, no circumstance, no question - is too big for God. While I don't have all the answers to life's big challenges, God does. While He might not choose to communicate to me these answers, I rest in the fact that He is all-knowing, all-powerful, and bigger than anything else. The ocean reminds me that I am small and limited and only here on Earth for a moment, so the wisest thing I can do is humbly worship and obey He who was, and is, and is to come (Rev. 4:8).

For a musical explanation of what I am talking about, check out "Ocean" by Ten Shekel Shirt.

Live Out Loud

2010-09-21T10:36:00.002-05:00

I'm a big believer in living out loud in front of your kids. I want to be real with them. I want them to see my struggles and how I handle them so they will learn how to handle their own. I want them to hear my prayers throughout the day so they will learn to prayerfully depend on God in their own lives. I want them to see me practice what I preach when it comes to things like self-control, making good choices, treating others kindly, etc. If I just tell them about Christ and morality, my girls are more likely to leave those truths in the theoretical realm. But if I model an active relationship with Jesus and practice living a moral life, my girls will understand that these truths are reality.

That being said, I apologized to my 3 year old the other day. It was dinner time, and I had both girls at the grocery store (I know, taking the kids to the grocery store was my first mistake). We were in the check out line when my husband called. I handed the phone to my oldest. She chatted away while I finished paying for the groceries. I took over the phone call as I muscled the full cart toward the parking lot (and not just a regular cart - one of those crazy contraptions that has a car on the front to keep the preschoolers entertained while shopping. This is a good idea except it is nearly impossible to steer them. I don't understand why there isn't an engineer out there who can make these carts both fun and functional. I digress).

As soon as I took the phone, my daughter started talking at me. Did I mention I was on the phone? In between finagling the cart, looking out for traffic, trying to remember where I parked, and keeping up my end of the conversation (poorly), I shushed my daughter no less than 3 times in 30 seconds. The child would not obey. As I put the girls in their car seats, Lexi made the fatal mistake of trying to talk to me AGAIN! I lost it. I put my face two inches from hers and yelled, "I AM ON THE PHONE - SHUT. YOUR. MOUTH!" She shut her mouth. And her eyes. She tucked her bottom lip out. And she was silent until I finished that phone call.

Now, this kid totally had it coming. If my hands hadn't been full, I would have spanked her for such blatant, repetitive disobedience. Some people may even say she deserved to be yelled at. But I wouldn't. I don't think anyone ever deserves to be treated disrespectfully or unlovingly. (Note: I am NOT saying children don't ever deserve punishment. I am saying they should be disciplined in a respectful, loving manner.)

The Bible tells us to "be completely humble and gentle; be patient, bearing with one another in love." Elsewhere, it say, "Do everything in love." Hmm. I see no room for exceptions in these verses. As much as I wish it read, "Bear with one another in love until you just can't take it anymore. Then feel free to blow your lid," it just doesn't. And I am so glad that Jesus didn't make exceptions to excuse Himself from having to deal lovingly with me and my sin issues. I've given Him plenty of opportunities to fly off the handle and yell at me, but He never has. He is love.

Anyway, after I hung up the phone, I knew instantly that how I handled the silence between my daughter and me would teach her something. If I continued to berate her for her disobedience, she would learn that it is ok to talk to people disrespectfully when she is angry. If I remained silent all the way home, she would learn to ignore conflict to make it go away. If I addressed the situation calmly, she would learn to talk things out, even when it is uncomfortable.

I looked at the pouting 3 year old in my rear view mirror. "Lexi, look at me," I said calmly. "You know the rule is that when I am on the phone, you be quiet. I told you to be quiet 3 TIMES so I could talk to Daddy, but you did not obey, " I explained. "It makes me angry when you disobey."

She was silent.

I continued, "When I got angry, I lost my temper. I should not have yelled at you. I am sorry. Will you forgive me?"

"Yes," she said without hesitation, "but next time, you should take your temperature before you yell at me."

I smiled and thought about the truth in that statement, despite her confusion.

It was just a single instance of modeling healthy conflict resolution, but Lexi took away some important truths. We need to talk about conflict; we need to admit when we are wrong; we need to ask for forgiveness; we need to be quick to extend forgiveness; we need to think of a better way to handle things in the future. But the most important thing I hope she learned is that Mommy practices what she preaches. Has she already forgotten these takeaways? Surely. But if her dad and I are more consistent in modeling healthy, biblical behavior than unhealthy, selfish behavior IN FRONT OF HER, I am confident Lexi will grow into a person who relates well with others.

"Train a child in the way he should go, and when he is old he will not turn from it." Proverbs 22:6

Good Grief

2010-09-12T15:01:00.001-05:00

Twice in the same day I found myself in conversations with other believers that were experiencing heart-breaking tragedy. And both times my hurting friends said, "I just can't understand why God would allow this to happen. Even if He didn't cause it to happen, He could have stopped it. Why didn't He?" This isn't a new question. People have been wondering why God allows evil for thousands of years (longer, if you believe in an old Earth, but that's another subject entirely).

In the past, I'd always imagined that "God allowing evil" really meant an aloof Creator sitting in Heaven with His arms crossed, letting us experience the painful consequences of sin because we freely chose to sin, and He wasn't going to interfere with free will.

But my discussions with friends helped me realize something I've never thought about before.

When we experience the negative effects of sin, whether it is our own or someone else's, God grieves with us. Sin breaks His heart and was never part of His plan to begin with. I imagine my friends taking their broken hearts to God with tears in their eyes and the Father embracing them with tears in His eyes. I picture them weeping together and God saying, "I am SO sorry you're experiencing this. I never wanted things to turn out this way. I did not create you for this, and I am utterly heart broken with you. I love you, and I will hold you until the hurt stops."

I have to admit, this image of God is both comforting and convenient. But is it accurate?

After Adam and Eve had filled the Earth with all kinds of people (and all kinds of people's sin), this is what happened:

The Lord saw how great man's wickedness on the earth had become, and that every inclination of the thoughts of his heart was only evil all the time. The Lord was grieved that he had made man on the earth, and his heart was filled with pain. So the Lord said, "I will wipe mankind, whom I have created, from the face of the earth--men and animals, and creatures that move along the ground, and birds of the air--for I am grieved that I have made them."

Sin grieves God. That's why He is so adamant that we obey Him and not our own selfish desires. He knows it will be better for us if we walk in the way He shows us. When we don't, it hurts. It hurts us and Him.

What I Can Do and What I Can't

2010-08-27T15:46:00.001-05:00

When I was in college, I had a stellar accounting professor. The man knew his stuff, and he communicated well enough and in an interesting enough manner that I, someone who could not care less about the workings of the business world, remained engaged the entire semester. Even though I still remember how effective of a teacher he was, I don't remember a single thing he taught me.

Despite that professor's competency, that semester under his tutelage didn't impact my life in any meaningful way. I had no passion for business, and I had no business being in that class at that university. God had other plans for my life.

I followed my passion for the Bible to a Liberal Arts college down the road and pursued a degree in Biblical Studies and Theology. Those 2.5 years were priceless, and the Lord showed Himself all-powerful just getting me in the doors, not to mention when He got the whole thing paid for, but that's another story. ;)

Fast-forward to the present, and I find myself at the beginning of what might very well be a lifelong role of "Bible study teacher". I led my first small group on Thursday. I went into this knowing a few things. 1) I communicate well. Whether spoken or written, I am able to both formulate and articulate my thoughts in an easy-to-understand fashion. While it's true that I'm not as put-together as I was before I had children (I blame the hormones and the sleep-deprivation), I still seem to be an effective communicator. 2) Striving to understand and apply the Bible is not a chore to me. I enjoy spending time with that book. 3) God desires to combine my communication skills with my affinity for the Bible in order to make the truth about Himself known to others.

But the most important thing I know is this: no matter how competent I might be, no Bible study I teach will impact anyone in any meaningful way unless the Lord is in it. In my own strength, I'm pretty confident I can put together a lesson that will engage my group. In my own strength, I'm pretty confident I can pull out timely Bible verses and explain their meanings and modern day applications. But one thing I can't do is make Scripture resonate in people's hearts in a way that will move them toward God. That is a supernatural occurrence. God grows souls, not me. I can do my best to set the stage, but the Lord is the show.

That being said, Thursday went well. I suppose there were a lot of reasons for me to be nervous, including the facts that the Director of Women's Ministry, the wife of the Senior Pastor, and two other women in leadership were all in my group. But I wasn't too worked up about it. Something I was concerned about was that the group of women felt like the time they spent in my group was worth it. When they left, I wanted them to feel like they had taken a step further in their understanding of and their intimacy with the Father. After all, that's the entire point of Bible study. And so I pray to that end because I can't manufacture that kind of intimacy for them, no matter how bright and shiny my lesson is. They have to be open to God supernaturally engaging their hearts. And if they are willing, He will.

All I can do is set the stage. The Lord is the show.

Puppy Love

2010-08-21T13:14:00.004-05:00

I'm not an animal person. I enjoy eating meat; I have recurring nightmares involving cats attacking me; I have never wanted a dog. I am, however, a baby person. I enjoy cuddling, nurturing and playing with every baby I see. That being said, there is a part of me that softens when I see a puppy.

The characteristics I find revolting in adult dogs - shedding, bad breath, excessive licking, repulsive odor, jumpiness, crotch-sniffing - seem to slip my mind when I see a cute puppy playfully romping around. There is just something about a soft, floppy-eared, puppy that makes me happy.

I think it may have something to do with how the puppy relates to his owner. A puppy will joyfully follow his owner wherever he goes. The dog may get distracted from time to time, stopping to smell the grass or chase a butterfly, but when the owner calls him, the puppy is reminded of his heart's true desire - to be with his owner - and he comes bounding back. All a puppy really wants is for his master - in whom he delights - to pay attention to him.

It has occurred to me that's all I really want, too.

I may get distracted from time to time, but when God calls me, I am reminded of my heart's true desire - to be with my Father - and I come bounding back. Proverbs says, "What a man desires is unfailing love." And only the Lord is capable of giving us the perfect love we crave.

What's interesting about the relationship between a puppy and his owner, though, is that the owner delights in the puppy just as much as the puppy delights in the owner. Grown men - reserved men who wear business suits and run companies - will drop to their knees and greet their puppies with open arms and babbling puppy talk, totally disregarding who is around to see them act so childishly. Owners' hearts swell with excitement when their puppies seem so happy to see them.

I think God feels the same way when we come to Him. Psalm 149 says, "The Lord delights in His people...Let the saints rejoice in this honor and sing for joy..."

Come to Him today, as a puppy delighting in his master, and experience the Father's love.

Forget the Past

2010-08-17T11:33:00.000-05:00

I spend a lot of time reflecting on the past. Too much time, in fact. I think about old friends, wondering what they are up to these days, daydreaming about what life might be like today if we had maintained our friendships. Most of the time, remembering good times prompts me to try to contact those old friends. And, unfortunately, technology allows this to happen without much effort.

I can Google people, Facebook people, e-mail people, and otherwise contact them anytime I want. I can try to rekindle that which God meant to be left in the past, but I will be disappointed. More often than not, those old friends are not the same people they were when I knew them. And I, thank the Lord, am not who I was when they knew me. We may exchange some catch up messages, but the friendship never just picks up where it left off. And that saddens me.

I am left mourning the death of our former friendship and lamenting the fact that no matter how hard I try, I can't resurrect that friendship (at least not in any meaningful way). But sitting around depressed isn't the biggest tragedy of this whole situation. The saddest part about this tendency of mine to dwell on the past is that I am missing what God is doing today.

God has been directing me to a passage in Isaiah a lot lately. You can call it coincidence if you want, but you'd be wrong. Just saying.

In Isaiah 43:18, God says, "Forget the former things. Do not dwell on the past." In the very next verse, God tells why we shouldn't dwell on the past. Verse 19 reads, "See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it?" I can almost hear the exasperation in the Lord's voice. "Forget the past! What's done is done! I want to do something amazing in your heart TODAY! Don't you get it?!"

The more time we spend thinking about a retired relationship or regretting something we did or didn't do, the more we miss out on being a part of what God is doing in the present. Don't let the past sideline you today. The Lord is doing a new thing. Open your eyes, and perceive it!

The All-Carb Diet

2010-08-10T11:25:00.000-05:00

This post was originally written in 2006 in response to the then-popular No-Carb Diet. I am re-posting it now in response to some Facebook friends who were discussing being sugartarians this morning. Enjoy.

I'm thinking of patenting my new diet regimen: The All-Carb Diet. Here's how it works. Eat sugar the entire day. That's it. It's that simple. Anyone can do it! The best part is, this is a diet you can enjoy! I have been on this diet for most of my life, but just recently I have really buckled down and gotten serious about it. You'll be surprised where you can find sugar. It's in practically everything! For instance, here are some of the delicious things you can eat while on The All-Carb Diet:

-pizza, but try to avoid veggie pizza
-cookies, as long as they aren't sugar-free
-candy, again, no sugar-free
-cereal, especially sugar-coated or chocolate flavored
-bread/rolls, as long as they are white and not wheat
-pasta, as long as the noodles are not wheat noodles
-ice cream
-french fries
-frosting
-cake
-fruit, especially when dipped in chocolate or sprinkled with sugar
-chocolate milk
-soda, but no diet soda
-fruit juices
-Kool-Aid or any other similar sugar based beverage

-coffee, but not black

These are just some of the delicious things I eat everyday! Although I have not listed any meats or many dairy products, those are okay to consume in moderation as long as you accompany them with carbs/sugars in a 2:1 ratio. For example, if you want to have steak for dinner, that is okay, as long as you have 2 portions of carbs/sugars to every 1 portion of steak. So, a nice meal would consist of 1 cup of steak, 1 cup of chocolate covered strawberries, and 1 cup of Super Fudge Brownie ice cream. To complete the meal, choose your favorite sugary beverage from the list of approved foods above.

If you have any questions about whether or not what you are about to consume is in accordance with the ground rules of the All-Carb Diet, you can go ahead and eat your product of choice as long as you submerge it in liquid chocolate or raw sugar BEFORE consuming. For example, I have not addressed vegetables at all. Quite frankly, most vegetables are not good sources of carbs. So, the next time you start craving a salad, go ahead and use chocolate sauce as your dressing instead of that new Low-Carb Ranch dressing you have in your fridge.

Let's make eating fun again!

A Letter to Lexi

2010-07-26T21:13:00.002-05:00

Dear Lexi,

When your sister turned one, I decided it would be a neat sentiment to write her a letter, chronicling her first year of life. I blatantly stole the idea from a professional blogger chick I love to read. She writes her daughters letters every year on their birthdays, and when they get older, she's going to give them the letters. They will be like time capsules, and I think her girls are really going to cherish those words from their mother.

I decided I wanted to do the same for you and Allie. Unfortunately, you were 3 years old when I made this decision, meaning I couldn't start this letter tradition for you until your 4th birthday. Even though I blogged about you a TON, it makes me sad that you don't have letters for your first 3 birthdays. Not to mention, I like order, and it is going to bug me THE REST OF MY LIFE that you don't have a complete set of birthday letters.

I also hate that you don't have those letters because I fully anticipate you using this fact against me when you are a teenager. I can picture us in an argument over how short your skirt is and how you will NOT be leaving the house dressed like that when you slam your bedroom door and scream, "You don't love me! You never have! You never wrote me birthday letters when I was a baby, and you never let me dress like all the other girls! Ugggggggggh!" I'm tempted to go back and fake some birthday letters for you because I DON'T NEED THAT KIND OF DRAMA!

The last downside to you being gypped 3 birthday letters is, if I allow myself to go there, I can imagine you in therapy when you're 30, telling the counselor that your mother loved your sister more than she loved you because you have 3 less birthday letters than Allie, even though YOU are the older sister. Frankly, I don't want that on my conscience.

All that being said, I can't bring myself to write you letters as if I had written them on your actual birthdays. It feels fake, contrived, and, really, I wouldn't be able to do those years justice. So I am just going to write you one letter now, covering your first three years, and I hope you'll understand how much your dad and I ADORED you then.

YEAR ONE

Like I said, I wrote a ton about you your first three years. You are a big reason I started blogging in the first place. You did so many cute, hilarious, wonderful things so quickly, I just wanted a way to capture them forever. I never wanted to forget a single thing you did.

I had an easy labor and delivery with you. And then life got hard. Usually, it is the other way around. But you wanted no part of "the norm". I am not exaggerating when I say you cried for 3 months. The doctors eventually chalked it up to "colic" - a term that means they found no physical cause for your being upset. They suspected acid reflux because you seemed to hurt when you ate, and you spit up like a volcano, but no medicines seemed to help. When you were two months old, they even put you to sleep and scoped you to see if you had an ulcer somewhere. You didn't. Whatever the cause, when you were 3 months and 1 week old, you shut off the crying and became the happiest baby in the world. I guess you just decided you were over all that screaming. Or maybe you sensed I was going to have to be sent to the loony bin if you didn't knock it off. Either way, thanks for ending that madness.

When you were 6 weeks old, we did something very important. We dedicated you to Jesus. Essentially, your Dad and I promised God that we would do everything in our power to make sure you understand the love and grace of Jesus Christ, and how essential a relationship with Him is in this life and the next. Think of it like dedicating a song to someone. We were telling God that your life was for Him, and we were dedicated to raising you with that in mind. We promised this in front of our whole church, and Pastor Frey anointed you with oil. We all prayed together that you would grow into a child (and, eventually, a woman) that loves Jesus more than anything else. I am excited to see how God honors our commitment to him and our prayers for you.

As the first grandchild for both sets of grandparents, the whole world revolved around you. You captivated the entire extended family. We'd set you in the middle of the floor and just watch to see what facial expression you would make or what sound you might utter. I don't think we watched TV for the first six months of your life. You were all the entertainment we needed.

Like I said, you didn't much care for being the average baby. Whatever the baby books said, whatever the doctor said, whatever other babies your age were doing, you were not. You never napped. If the stars aligned just right, you would fall asleep for exactly 30 minutes during the day. Not one second less, not one second more. And, even then, you would only stay asleep if we held you the entire time. I don't think you ever took one nap in your crib that entire first year. You also bucked the norm on that whole babies-stick-everything-in-their-mouths thing. You never put anything in your mouth. In fact, you refused to self-feed, even though we both knew you could. I'd like to pretend you didn't get your stubborn gene from me, but by the time you read this, you'll know otherwise.

My favorite thing about your first year was how you expanded my understanding of God's unconditional love. When I think about how much I love you and then realize God loves me even more than that, I am blown away. I know I will never fully grasp the depth of God's love, but having you has brought me as close as a person can come to understanding God's father heart.

YEAR TWO

Your second year of life a lot of changes took place. The first changes involved movement. You were never in a hurry to learn how to crawl or walk. You enjoyed having people carry you around, and there were always plenty of people to bring you whatever you wanted. It wasn't until you were almost 14 months old that you decided to start crawling. One night you just assumed the position and crawled all the way across the room. Your dad and I were shocked, as you had shown absolutely no interest in crawling until then. You had the same approach with walking. You never cruised furniture or stood independently. Then one day when you were 15 months old, you walked all the way across the room. Maybe this is the perfectionist in you coming out. Maybe you didn't want to try until you knew you could do it just right. There is something to be said for having high standards. But don't be afraid to try something just because you might fail. You never know what you are capable of until you try, and you never know what God is capable of until you fail.

While you were slower than your peers when it came to movement, you were light years ahead when it came to verbal skills. By the time you were 18 months old, you could communicate quite well. And you haven't stopped communicating since. It was so much fun teaching you new words and hearing you practice them. Your mind was like a sponge and everyone commented how smart you were. You were very talkative and very affectionate. You're a people person for sure, and that will take you far in relationships in the future. God wants you to love Him and to love others. I think that will come easily for you.

By the time you reached your second birthday, you were talking in full sentences. This was both adorable and exhausting for the rest of us. I loved learning what you were thinking about and how your mind worked. However, after the third round of 20 questions before 8 AM, sometimes I would lose it. I never meant to squash your curiosity; I just felt my sanity slipping away. There's a balance there, and I hope to get better at maintaining that balance as time goes on. Just in case you haven't figured it out by now, I'm not perfect. I lose my temper, and I let you down. But that's all people. When you were two, I taught you about apologizing and forgiving. You were always quick to forgive. Stay that way; it makes life more enjoyable.

YEAR THREE

Your third year changed everything. I got pregnant with Allie when you were 18 months old. By the time you turned 2, you were keenly aware of my protruding belly. I talked about the baby in there often. You were already very nurturing toward your baby dolls, and when you understood there was a baby in my belly, you were all about it. You loved to hug and kiss my pregnant belly and occasionally lifted up my shirt so Allie could watch TV. I think you were just as excited as your dad and I were to welcome another baby into our family.

Thankfully, when Allie arrived in July, you were never jealous or upset by her presence. You genuinely loved having a baby sister. You always wanted to help. The first words out of your mouth when you woke up every morning were, "Can I hold her?" You often giggled as you told me how cute she was and how you liked her "little, tiny baby (fill in the body part)." I am so thankful that your love for her has not waned. As the older sister, you set the tone for your relationship with Allie. If you are loving toward her, she will adore you. If you are snotty toward her, she will feel hurt and retreat from you. I believe you will always make the better choice to love Allie, even if she bothers you from time to time. I am looking forward to the friendship that deepens between you girls.

You surpassed a few milestones while you were two. My personal favorite was getting potty trained. It was a long process, but you were fully trained before your third birthday. You also said your first cuss word that year. I blame your father. After several meltdowns, you got your first real haircut. But the coolest milestone of all was when you recited your first Bible verse. I can still hear you in the backseat after church one day saying, "God.....is.....love! First John......4.....8!"

I love you dearly, sweet girl. I hope this one ginormous letter makes up for my not having the bright idea to write you birthday letters until your 4th birthday. If it doesn't, I can recommend a good counselor.

Love Forever,
Mommy

Sometimes You Have to Lie to Be the Best Dad Ever

2010-07-23T10:50:00.000-05:00

Over the weekend we had a birthday party for Allie in the gym/indoor playground area of our church. Her cousin brought her a present with a cute helium balloon tied to it. It took Lexi about .3 seconds to ask if she could hold the balloon. We all know where this is going, right?

As Lexi grabbed the balloon, I thought to myself, "I should warn her not to take it over to the basketball court." But before I could get the words out, my attention was diverted elsewhere. About 3 minutes later, the most horrific scream ever echoed across the gym. Lexi was in total meltdown mode. I was helping Allie open presents at the time, so Elian dropped what he was doing and ran over to Lexi, expecting to see her with a bone sticking out of her leg or her hand stuck in a door. She was convulsing in the kind of sobs one usually reserves for learning their best friend has died.

Elian scooped Lexi up and noticed the balloon was no longer in her hand. Instead, it was at the top of a 40 foot ceiling with no way to be recovered. As he consoled Lexi, Elian explained that he wouldn't be able to get the balloon back. The reality of the situation set in, and Lexi cycled through the 5 stages of grief. She accepted that the balloon was lost forever, and she gradually went back to playing.

Later, Lexi was processing through the event, and she told me she and her cousin had been playing tag. When she went to tag MacKinley, Lexi let go of the balloon. She regretfully reflected on how she should have held on tighter to the ribbon. I chalked up the whole incident as a live and learn experience. Every kid has to go through the devastation of accidentally releasing a helium balloon in order for them to grasp the idea that helium is the anti-gravity.

The rest of the afternoon, Lexi and I went to a swim party while Elian stayed home and finished building a fence around our backyard (which turned out AMAZING, by the way). We got home about 8 PM, and there in the dining room was the pink helium balloon! Lexi's eyes widened and her smile broadened as she grabbed the balloon excitedly.

"Daddy, how did you get my balloon?!" she asked.
"I just got lucky," Elian answered.
"But did you use the ladder to get it down?" she wondered.
"Yup," Elian replied.
"But you said the ladder was not tall enough, Daddy." Lexi's brow furrowed as she decided Elian's story wasn't adding up.
"I got on top of the ladder and used a grabby thing to get it," he lied.
"You climbed the ladder and just grabbed the string?" my three-year-old clarified.
"Yup, I got lucky," Elian said.

That seemed to satisfy our investigative reporter. She playfully batted the balloon around and assured us she would NOT let go of it this time.

After Lexi went to bed, Elian told me he had never seen Lexi so devastated as when she had let go of that balloon. So after he finished building the fence, he went to Wal-Mart to purchase her an identical balloon.

I'm not sure Lexi will remember this as she gets older, but I hope she does. I will remember it forever. Daddies are so vital to daughters, and through the simple act of getting Lexi a replacement balloon for $2, Elian showed Lexi the perfect balance of hero/provider/comforter. It spoke volumes to me, as her mother, about how fully Elian loves his daughters. He is the best dad ever.

Even if he had to lie.

The Big One

2010-07-18T22:06:00.001-05:00

Dear Allie,

Today is your first birthday, or, as I like to refer to it, the anniversary of the day I was no longer pregnant. Thanks for that. As I think back over the year, I realize it was pretty crazy. I figure now is a good time to recap that crazy.

You were born 8 days before your due date. I owe you big time for this. You'll know what I mean when you are 38 weeks pregnant. You entered the world in dramatic fashion, giving us a scare when the umbilical cord wrapped around your neck. You couldn't get out no matter how much I pushed. Your oxygen level dropped, and the wonderful doctor and nurses had to work quickly to deliver you. The NICU team was called in and helped you begin to breathe sufficiently on your own. Thankfully, that didn't take too much coaxing.

We got you home, and you slept for 3 months. I am not kidding. You only woke up to eat, and even then you kept your eyes closed the whole time so as not to waste any precious moments being awake between the end of a feeding and your return to sleep. Your Dad and I greatly appreciated your restfulness.

When you were 2 months old, we dedicated you to God before our church family. What that really means is your dad and I promised God that we would do everything in our power to teach you about the love and grace of Jesus. And by making this vow in front of our family and church family, we were asking them to help us fulfill that commitment. I am happy to report that during your first year of life our family and friends have done just that. We are surrounded by many people who genuinely love Jesus AND you. Remember that.

When you were 3 months old, one of the most painful things ever happened to me. Kidney stones. We took several trips to the ER, and I had two surgeries to remove the stones, but the worst part was I had to quit nursing you. I was on an array of medications that would not have been safe for you. It was when I had to quit nursing you that I realized just how deep our bond was. I can't really explain it, but I think nursing was a physical representation of how emotionally inseparable a mom and newborn are. I'm already excited for you to experience that connection with your child one day, Lord willing.

For the next several months, you enjoyed learning new things like sitting up and eating solid foods. The highlight was watching you interact with your sister. To say Lexi adores you would be an understatement. She has loved you since before you were born. I don't think a day has gone by that she hasn't covered you in sisterly affection. And as you grew, you began to reciprocate that love. These days you get up earlier than she does. I've tried to convince you that sleeping in is the way to go, but you're just not buying it. Anyway, in the mornings I feed you and let you play on the floor while I try to shock my system into alertness with a cup of coffee. You are content with this routine, but the second you hear your sister coming down the stairs in the morning, you explode with excitement. You kick your feet, stretch out your arms, and babble "Hi!" to Lexi over and over with a wide grin. You love her dearly, and I am praying it will always be that way.

When you were about 8 months old, you got a bad cold. It wasn't too worrisome the first couple of days, but then you started coughing and struggling to breathe. You wound up in the hospital with a couple of fierce infections. You were there 4 days, and God taught me a lot about blessings in disguise during that time. I never left your side, so we shared lots of sweet, cuddly moments in that quiet hospital room. Your grandparents kept Lexi, and I didn't have anything else distracting me from caring for you. You were a trooper through all the treatments. Your easygoing nature will serve you well in the future, too.

Now that you are 1 year old, you are on the cusp of a lot of big milestones. Your babbling discourses will soon be intelligible conversations. Your scooting around the house will give way to walking. But what I am most looking forward to are the exciting new ways you enrich our family just by being you.

And the potty training. Just let me know when you want to get started on that.

Love Forver,
Mama

God is Love. Not the Other Way Around.

2010-07-06T10:32:00.002-05:00

I've noticed more and more frequently that my peers who want nothing to do with Jesus want everything to do with half of Jesus' central teaching - Love your neighbor as yourself.

Don't get me wrong, I am very attracted to the love-rules-all mentality that is sweeping across the globe. It is replacing apathy with proactivity, divisiveness with peacefulness, and selfishness with selflessness...

Or at least that's what Satan would have us believe it is doing.

In reality, I think this love trend is nothing but a crafty deception. Sure, subscribers to Jesusless-love have great intentions. And, if this were a perfect world, their intentions would succeed. But the Bible verse that says, "God is love," is written that way for a reason. When man reverses the words to proclaim that Love is God, we're buying right into one of the most sly forms of idolatry Satan ever tempted us with.

After all, how can love be wrong?

When love becomes our god, we start believing that our feelings justify everything we do. But the Bible speaks to that too, saying, "The heart is deceitful above all else."

For instance, a lot of people I know who say love is their religion are pretty intolerant people. If someone like myself were to tell them that I believe the only way to enter heaven is to love Jesus as the one and only God and as the substitute for sin that every human needs, that person would probably get pretty angry. And they would probably act on those feelings by trying to legislate away my right to pray out loud at a public school, for example. They would say they were voting that way in order to promote love and unity, but, I definitely don't feel loved in that situation. I feel discriminated against, actually. Divisiveness is occurring, and Satan is snickering because we are blind enough to believe that this country is actually promoting peace.

A lot of people who worship love also pride themselves on being pretty selfless people. And maybe they are some of the time. But when it comes down to making a choice between loving themselves or loving another, they, like all humans, will choose themselves most of the time. In the example about praying in public schools, if they were to choose to love the evangelical Christian instead of themselves, they would quietly do a crossword while the Christian prayed for 30 seconds. Instead, they are choosing to love themselves by demanding that no one talk about Jesus around them. Selfishness is occurring, and Satan is snickering because we are blind enough to believe that people are capable of being selfless the majority of the time.

To be sure, Christians, left up to their own devices, are no better at promoting peace or selflessness than non-Christians. The fact is, all humans are self-centered, prideful creatures; neither quality lends itself to the promotion of unity with others. Call a spade a spade - humans suck and will never be able to muster up enough gusto to love others well.

If people are going to love others well with any consistency, it is going to take a miracle. Something supernatural will have to occur. People will have to be supernaturally empowered to be proactive lovers. God Himself will have to take up residence in our hearts, guiding our words and actions to be selfless and peaceful.

But God isn't just going to barge into our hearts like an unannounced house guest. He's much more of a gentleman than that. He stands at the door and knocks and waits for us to open the door. If we slam it in his face, he will quietly knock again. If we open the door and walk away, expecting good things to follow, we will find our homes as empty as they were before God came knocking. We have to invite God in. We have to ask God to love others well through us because we know we can't do it on our own.

We've tried.
Our whole lives.
And we always fail.

God is love. And He alone can love people well.
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Maturity

2010-06-20T21:02:00.003-05:00

Sometimes I buy into the lie that because I have "issues" I am an immature believer. I start to think that my tendencies toward being self-centered and manipulative and foolish are because I don't know God well enough. And, once I start believing that is true, it's easy to buy into a bigger lie - the one that says if I work harder at my relationship with God, I won't have so many issues. The lie that says I can work through my issues, one by one, and come out the other side a shiny, sparkling, perfect Christian. And, once I believe that, grace goes out the window. I start trying to earn my way onto the list of superstar Christians.

But all I'm really doing is exhausting myself.

I think, instead, that our "issues" are a symptom of our fallen nature. And, last time I checked, we will be fallen our entire lives. Even if we are Christians, we sin frequently, and, sometimes, we sin severely. Therefore, we will have a never-ending list of issues to work on, and, unfortunately, after we think we've mastered some of our issues, we'll cross them off our list, only to find they've found their way back on the list as time goes on.

This realization may sound negative, but it's actually freeing. The fact that we will always have issues to work on means that the definition of spiritual maturity isn't issuelessness. A lot of people think that spiritual maturity is not having any issues to work on in the first place, but that cannot be. If that were the case, not one of us would be considered spiritually mature by another. (And if we considered ourselves to be spiritually mature by that definition, we'd have to add hubris to our list of issues to work on).

So, if issuelessness isn't the definition of spiritual maturity, how do we define it? My opinion is that those who are correctly labeled "spiritually mature" recognize the things in their lives that aren't pleasing to the Lord and then willingly go through the unpleasant process of changing those things. I think that willingness to press on is the mark of spiritual maturity. It shows a willingness, in the midst of our own ugliness, to trust that God is sovereign and good; that He can and will help us become better people for His sake and for our sakes.

As the Holy Spirit helps us see our issues for what they really are (sin), the mature Christian will face that gentle command to change head on, knowing full-well that the growth process will be painful, but knowing equally well that the resulting freedom will be worth it!

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Coincidence

2010-06-18T12:00:00.004-05:00

This week a team of 8 or so ordinary people from my church traveled halfway around the world because they felt like God told them to. I know 5 of the 8 well, and 1 is my best friend, Heather.

I've had a front row seat to Heather's life for many years. So I've been privileged to watch God prepare her in the past for this particular trip.

Before she ever knew Ethiopia existed, God awoke a passion in her heart for soccer. Turns out this is a common language across the world, and it gave her an "in" with the children she ministered to this week.

Before she ever knew the meaning of the word evangelism, God awoke in Heather a passion for Jesus. He grew her love for Jesus and placed a burden within her for those who don't know Him. And it was this love that drove her to Ethiopia this week.

Before she ever knew anything about the worldwide orphan crisis (to the tune of 147 million), God prompted her to take a class in college about African Politics (who does that?! Who is looking through the course catalog, has an elective to fill, and chooses African Politics?! Someone who is in tune with the Holy Spirit, that's who). Through this class God awoke in Heather an intense interest in the people of Africa. That interest helped her discern which trip of the many she could have chosen was the right trip for her.

And in the last 6 months, God has amped Heather up even more for this specific trip. Via books that have broken Heather's heart over the poverty and orphan crises in Africa, via friends who have a ministry to street children in Ethiopia, via friends who are looking to adopt children from that country, God touched Heather's heart.

And He let her know that He had been preparing her ALL HER LIFE for THIS trip. I am not someone who believes in coincidence. And the longer I live, the more I can see how God has a detailed, over-arching plan for our lives. The "little" decisions we make today, like what sport to enroll our 5 year old in or what throw-away elective class to take in college, are worth considering prayerfully. Those details might just be God's way of preparing us for something HUGE in the future.

Although Heather returns to the states in a couple of days, I have a sneaking suspicion that God is not done using her passion for Africa or orphans. I am excited to hear in more detail all that she has experienced and all that she senses God doing in her.

On a related note, Heather's husband, a man she picked by chance, coincidentally loves soccer, and coincidentally went on this trip with her. And God awoke a similar passion for the children in his heart this week that now rivals Heather's passion. Coincidentally.

I can't wait to see what accidentally happens next in their lives.

Reality

2010-06-09T12:18:00.004-05:00

It's hard for us to show grace and love to people who disturb our sense of reality. I am thinking, particularly, about having a friend who was supposedly a straight Christian tell me later, after our friendship had dwindled because of distance and time apart, that she was, instead, a gay non-Christian. It threw me for a loop, for sure. It didn't fit my paradigm of who she was. It turned what I thought was reality on its head.

And I had a decision to make.

I could be like most Christians this girl knew and distance myself from her. I could let the fact that I was uncomfortable with her choices dictate how I would treat her - like a villain or a stranger or a fraud.

Or I could love her as Christ loved me - without conditions.

But how does a human do that? We are notorious for being controlled by our feelings, and I was feeling uncomfortable. To be honest, I was even feeling hurt. I know she hadn't purposely betrayed me, but I felt like she was dishonest with me back when our friendship was thriving. I realize that is probably not the case. Most likely, she wasn't scheming to trick me into believing she liked Jesus and boys in high school. But that doesn't change the fact that I felt lied to.

And, yet, God wanted me to love her and to love her well. Actually, He wanted me to love her even better than I myself was capable of doing.

Enter the Holy Spirit.

When the Spirit reminds me that the Lord adores me - and that is an understatement - the more I want to love people well, no matter what they think or do or believe. God doesn't adore me because I accept Christ's grace and because I only make choices that line up with Scripture (Hint: I don't). He adores me because I am His. He made me. I am His. And He loves me because of that fact alone.

And He loves my friend for that reason, too. Just because her perception of truth has changed (and it will continue to change, just as mine will), that doesn't mean she is any less wonderful in God's eyes.

And she shouldn't be viewed as any less wonderful in my eyes either.
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Out of Control

2010-05-27T21:19:00.003-05:00

Lately, I've been trying to control some things in my life that I was never meant to be in charge of. Things like relationships. I've been operating under some false assumptions, namely that I can meet my needs and fulfill my desires better than an all-knowing, all-powerful, loving God. And I've been wearing myself out.

Have you ever seen a dog walking its owner? Usually, this happens when a 100 pound woman decides to own a 200 pound dog, like a Great Dane, which appears to be part horse. She tries to control it with a string of a leash, but, really, that dog is dragging her all over the neighborhood. She ends up more worn out than the animal.

That's how I've been feeling these days as I've tried so hard to control things that are out of my control. All my energy has been poured into attempting to make things go how I want them to go, and, despite my best efforts, things have still been going terribly. Turns out you can't control other people.

But there's more.

The Bible says that God will, "fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit."

For those that know Jesus on a personal level, we don't have to worry about manipulating people to meet our needs and fulfill our desires (which we can't successfully do anyway). We don't have to let our passion to control our lives drag us around like a hyperactive dog-horse. On the contrary, we can choose to trust God with the things we cannot control, and, in so doing, be filled with all joy and peace.

I'd love to live that way. Wouldn't you?
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Black or White

2010-05-22T10:24:00.001-05:00

I've been trying tremendously hard lately to get my ducks in a row. I am a black and white person, so I like rules and order. If there is a rule, I can follow it. I can know that I am acting and thinking correctly. If rules don't exist, I feel out of control and begin to hyperventilate, metaphorically speaking, of course.

Even now, as I sit in a coffee shop typing this, I see a sticker on my mouse cord that says "DO NOT REMOVE THIS LABEL". My first thought was one of total compliance - under no circumstances will I remove that label. The rule is to leave that label exactly where it is, and I know I will be in the right if I leave that label alone. But then I thought, "How silly! I am an adult and the owner of that mouse. I think I have the authority to remove that label if I want to. The world will not end." But will I ever bring myself to remove that label? Absolutely not. I'm just not wired that way, I guess. And if someone else came along and took that label off, I would feel unsettled because THEY BROKE THE RULE!

This kind of thinking may be beneficial is some circumstances. I am glad that surgeons, for instance, follow the rules. If the doctor removing my kidney stones thought anesthesia shouldn't be required, I would've been in an intolerable amount of pain. And architects need to be black and white people, too. If my house was designed by a man that found no use for a level, I wouldn't be safe in my own home.

But, in other situations, black and white thinking can choke the life right out of you. Lately, I have fallen into the trap of trying to force God to be black and white in all ways. The only trouble is God exceeds human logic. Even if I correctly applied all my biblical training and philosophical know how, I would still be unable to define all that God is and all that God does. That's terrible news for a rule-follower like me.

To be clear, I am not saying it is impossible to know anything about God. I am saying it is impossible to know everything about God. We will never have an air-tight understanding of God. There will always be more to learn about Him, and our brains simply can't process all that He is. A lot of surprises await us in Heaven, when we will have slightly better understanding of God than we do now.

That being said, how can we deduce which of our beliefs about God are accurate and which have to be left open for interpretation? I think God gave us some things to help us answer this question. And, as a black and white thinker, I must answer this question!

Creation can tell us a lot about God's personality. Nature shows us He appreciates beauty and enjoys being creative. Biology shows us He thinks in complex ways and likes to design things systematically. Man shows us He values relationships and community. Creation points us to truths about God.

The Bible reveals more of God to us. Prophecies and the fulfillment of prophecies show how much of a planner God is and how He drives history for His purposes. Interactions between men and God show how involved in our lives God is and how much he desires to relate with us. Jesus' death and resurrection show us how seriously offensive our sin is to God and how desperately God wants to reconcile with us. Statements looking forward to Jesus' return and describing Heaven show us that God's plan for us and the world is not over.

These are things we can know for sure about God. And they are enough for us to know how to live our lives in a way that pleases Him. There are a lot of other things that are true about God, too, but we will wear ourselves out if we try to nail down every detail. I'd love to have a list of every single thing I must believe to have a correct picture of God. But God didn't feel that was necessary. Instead, He provided us with a framework and fills in the gaps of our understanding with His grace.

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I'm Not the Point

2010-05-12T14:50:00.003-05:00

Lately God's been trying to get me to recognize what the point of life isn't. By thinking about the subject in negative terms, the point of life has become more black and white to me. I haven't been able to manipulate it into some gray area, tainting God's purposes with my own. Here's what I mean.

The point of life isn't my personal happiness. It's not to have good health or to find relief from painful circumstances. The point of life isn't to make money so my family can be comfortable or buy whatever we want. It's not to have a good marriage or mindful children. The point isn't to expand my mind through education or to broaden my horizons through experiences. It isn't to make an impact on the world or to leave the earth a better place than it was when I arrived. The point of life isn't to enjoy myself or to help others be happy.

This may sound harsh at first. But the truth is the point of life isn't me. I'm not the point. And as long as I insist on being the point, I will, to some degree, remain unfulfilled.

Lucky for us, Jesus tells us what the point is. He says, "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs, and he will give you all you need from day to day if you live for him and make the Kingdom of God your primary concern." In other words, the point is to love God through my words and my actions and to help others love God, too.

And, because God loves us, if we make him the point of our lives, he'll give us the other things we work so hard to get but never grasp. Things like joy and happiness and love. All the things our hearts really desire. Jesus says, "If you obey my commands, you will remain in my love, just as I have obeyed my Father's commands and remain in his love. I have told you this so that my joy may be in you and that your joy may be complete." Jesus wants us to have joy, but the only way to get it is by obeying Him. And He's telling us to make Him the point. If loving God and others well is our focus, everything else falls into place.

To be sure, I am not saying we won't have challenges, unsettling circumstances, or difficult relationships. But I am saying we will have a peace that surpasses all understanding in the midst of the mess.

I'm reading a book right now that speaks to this. My favorite quote so far is this:

Brokenness is realizing He is all we have. Hope is realizing He is all we need. Joy is realizing He is all we want. - Larry Crabb

What's the point of your life?

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Work

2010-04-23T14:36:00.001-05:00

I'm one of those crazy people that thinks they are a part of something bigger than themselves. I think there is more going on in the world than 6.5 billion people making individual choices that only affect the people right next to them.

On the contrary, I imagine that we are all part of one story, and the Author is directing the characters (us) in a certain direction to accomplish a particular goal. A lot of people wince when they hear themselves called a "character". Our pride is hurt a little bit. We feel used and not in control of our own lives. And I think both those things are true, but not in a negative sense.

When an author introduces a character in a story, that character has a purpose. The rest of the story can't move forward, at least not the way the author wants it to, unless that character fulfills his purpose.

Jesus was a character. In the story of humanity, the Author needed to introduce a character who would enter the world and provide a way for broken people to move forward, out of their self-destructive ways and into something better.

Right before his crucifixion, Jesus said this to God, "I have brought you glory on earth by completing the work you gave me to do." In another translation, it reads this way, "I glorified you on earth, by completing down to the last detail what you assigned me to do."

If Jesus had been too prideful to be another "pawn" in God's story, he might've refused to do what the Author wanted him to. The results would've been catastrophic for you and me. The story would not have moved forward. God would not have been glorified.

After I read that verse, I began to wonder about myself. What's the work God gave me to complete on this earth? Am I trying to complete it down to the last detail? Or am I only putting forth half the effort I am capable of? And what will the results be if I refuse to do that which the Author has told me to do? Maybe the results will be catastrophic. At the very least, I bet the story will not move forward, not how the Author wants it to, anyway.

Most importantly, God won't be glorified.
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The Gift of Giving Grace

2010-04-07T15:33:00.002-05:00

I was having coffee with a friend the other day, and a thought occurred to me: without God's grace, I am unable to show grace to others.

What I mean is that giving people second chances completely goes against my human nature. I am under the impression that extending grace is unwise - it just opens me up to the possibility that the offender might hurt me again. And that's a pretty safe bet, given that none of my friends or family members are perfect.

But Jesus wants us to not only give second chances, but third and fourth and seventy seventh chances as well.

Then Peter came to Jesus and asked, "Lord, how many times shall I forgive my brother when he sins against me? Up to seven times?" Jesus answered, "I tell you, not seven times, but seventy-seven times.

Matthew 18:21-22

But we are completely unable to muster up this kind of grace-giving ability ourselves. This type of forgiving spirit is supernatural. It is only when God graciously gives us the ability to show grace to others that we become genuine, Biblical forgivers.

And make no mistake about it - the ability to truly forgive is a gift. Just think about someone you know who lives a bitter existence. I am willing to bet it is because someone hurt them, and they are not willing to forgive the culprit. That's where God steps in and gives them a gift that can remove all the bitterness that's consuming them. He gives them the ability to extend grace.

It is then up to the offended to decide what to do with that gift. They can either accept it and pay grace forward, or they can refuse the gift and remain bitter and hurt.

What are you doing with the gift?
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Stuff Christians Like

2010-04-06T07:17:00.001-05:00

That's the name of a blog I read regularly. The author, Jonathan Acuff, recently released a book by the same name. His shtick is poking fun at the crazy things we Christians do sometimes, in the name of faith. His post today is called "Is that contestant on American Idol a Christian?" He's written a little quiz to help us determine the answer. And he's invited his fellow bloggers to participate in the fun today.

That being said, Jonathan has given me question number 59 to post on my blog. It reads:

59. They mention their desire and plan to tithe the prize money = + 2 points

Go see Jonathan's post to see the complete quiz.

Lexi's Conversion!

2010-04-03T20:06:00.005-05:00

Lexi just prayed to receive Christ! I know, it is hard to believe an almost-three-year-old could grasp such a concept, but I really think she understood the basics and made a free choice, as opposed to blindly repeating after an anxious mom trying to force her child's name into the Book of Life.

I was putting her to bed, and we read in her toddler Bible about Jesus dying on the cross. That's when Lexi asked me why Jesus died. The exchange went something like this:

Lexi: Why did Jesus die?
Me: Well, you know how sometimes you make bad choices?"

Lexi nodded.

Me: God doesn't like it when we make bad choices. So, he sent Jesus to live on Earth, and Jesus never made any bad choices. He only made good choices. And when Jesus died, God said you and I could have Jesus' good choices, and Jesus could take our bad choices. That way we can be friends with God today and go to Heaven to be with God some day. BUT, you have to ask Jesus to come live in your heart first.

Lexi's wheels turned. Then she said, "I want to go to Heaven and see God!"

Me: You do?
Lexi: Yeah!
Me: Ok, well there is only one thing you have to do.
Lexi: Ok.
Me: You have to pray to God and ask Jesus to come live in your heart.
Lexi: Ok!
Me: You want to pray with me, and I'll show you what to say?
Lexi: Yeah!

And then I repeated what I said above, in the form of a prayer, pausing to give her time to repeat after me. And she did! (Further evidence that this was a free choice on her part is that for the past 2 months or so, every time I've asked her if she'd like to pray before bed, she's said no.)

And then we hugged, and she grinned from ear to ear. Then she said, "Ok, let's go to Heaven!" I said, "You will one day because you asked Jesus into your heart." She said, "I want to go to Heaven right NOW!" "So do I," I replied, "but God has to decide when it's time for us to go to Heaven." She seemed satisfied with that answer.

Then she wondered aloud if Baby Allie could come to Heaven with us even though she didn't ask Jesus into her heart... But Lexi quickly (and correctly) decided that Allie can still go to Heaven because she is just a little baby!

What a sweet conversation and a pivotal point in Lexi's spiritual life, on Easter Eve, no less!

Pure Joy

2010-03-29T21:02:00.004-05:00

I have never been an optimist. I say I am a realist, and when you're real in a fallen world, you turn into a pessimist. It's good that you know this about me; it will help you fully appreciate what I'm about to tell you.

Last Sunday my husband taught in our Sunday School class. He focused on the book of James. Chapter 1, verses 2-4 say, "Consider it pure joy, my brothers, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith develops perseverance. Perseverance must finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything."

It's no coincidence that we had the kind of week we had right before Elian was scheduled to teach on these verses. Having a child unexpectedly hospitalized with a severe illness is certainly a trial. It was a perfect opportunity for me to scrutinize through my realist glasses. But as I look back over the four days Allie was in the hospital, I am filled with pure joy.

You see, just before she got sick, I was lamenting the fact that Allie isn't a very cuddly baby. She has never been one to snuggle up to our chests or lay her head on our shoulders when she is tired. She much prefers to be set down, left to herself to drift off to sleep. And as she gets more and more active, she wants her time on the floor to explore. As much as my mommy heart wants to scoop her up and rock her in my arms, the girl just doesn't care for that.

Most of the time her independent spirit is a good thing. I certainly have my hands full with Lexi, and I can't usually cater to every whimper Allie makes. The sad fact is, when you have more than one child, neither gets your undivided attention very often. Not even when they are sick.

Unless they are hospitalized.

During her four day stay at Baptist Memorial Hospital, Allie clearly didn't feel well. She was exhausted, seriously ill, and emotionally spent. Because of all the tubes and wires, she was confined to ten square feet of space. But she didn't fuss. She just laid in my arms and let me rock her. She slept on my lap, with her head against my chest, calmed by my heartbeat. She got my undivided attention and care in her weakest hours, which I most certainly would not have been able to give her had she not been hospitalized.

In the midst of our trial, the Lord gave me precious moments to share with my baby. The sweet time I had with Allie encouraged me to persevere through these circumstances. God was showing me His presence and His goodness, reminding me that He could be trusted to use this trial to deepen my relationship with Him even more. And that is what I consider pure joy!
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His Grace is Sufficient

2010-03-25T20:37:00.013-05:00

I am hanging out in the pediatric wing of Baptist Memorial Hospital. I'm here with Allie, my 8 month old. She had a fever with a mean cough and runny nose for a couple of days. Then the cough turned into a wheezing, and it was clear she was having trouble catching her breath. So I took her to the pediatrician, pretty much expecting him to tell me it was just a bad cold. He didn't.

After listening to her lungs, doing a complete blood count, and measuring oxygen levels before and after an Albuteral treatment, the doctor said she had bronchiolitis. Basically, the lining of her airways were swollen, making it harder for her to breathe. This was caused by a nasty cold virus called (RSV). The virus also caused her airways to become infected, resulting in pneumonia. She had a ton of mucus in her chest, and because she is so little, she doesn't have the muscle power to cough that crud up. So her little swollen lungs filled with mucus.

Our pediatrician calmly told me to drive Allie directly to the hospital. Oddly, I never experienced any anxiety. I was not worried at all. Don't get me wrong, I was concerned. I just wasn't emotional about it. I felt like I was being sent on an adventure.

When we got to the ER, the receptionist pulled up the order from our pediatrician. As he read it, his eyes got big, and he said, "Oh, they are going to call her right back." I thought, "Wow, he must think she's in pretty bad shape," but I never got overly excited about it. And when the ER doctor told us we were definitely being admitted, I didn't panic. When I saw my baby wearing oxygen, an IV, a heart monitor, and an oxygen monitor, I wasn't overwhelmed with sadness.

When we made it through the first night, and the pediatrician checked her the next morning, and she said, optimistically, we would not be going home for 3 more days, I never felt scared.

I began to wonder if my lack of worrying meant I was a bad parent. I began to worry because I wasn't worried. I wasn't the mom who was constantly crying and too worried to sleep. And part of me felt like I should've been that worked up. But then a friend reminded me of a discussion our Sunday School class had two weeks ago.

We were talking about joy and how God wants us to be joyful in all circumstances. Our class batted around possible definitions for joy and wondered how one could be joyful in the midst of terrible circumstances, like when your infant is hospitalized with a severe illness. We decided that joy is an inner peace and confidence in God's goodness and His sovereignty, no matter what happens. One of my classmates wisely noted that we can't imagine ourselves having the capability of being joyful when the worst is happening to us. It's not until we are actually in the tragic situation that God, through His sufficient grace, offers us the ability to choose joy. Make no mistake, it's a choice. God doesn't force joy into our hearts. But He offers us the truth that He is both good and sovereign, completely in control of the situation. We can choose to believe God and be comforted, or we can choose to not believe God and be anxious.

Maybe my sense of peace throughout Allie's hospitalization was because I trusted God with my child's health. I'd like to think so. It's either that, or I am emotionally deranged. You be the judge.

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She Speaks

2010-03-22T21:43:00.005-05:00

Back in January I wrote about how God is showing me my passions. He brought writing, the Bible, and, more recently, teaching the Bible to the forefront of my mind. He has been showing me that these are the areas I am passionate about, and He is calling me to action.

Over the past couple of months, I've been researching the book publishing process. And as I've reviewed blog entries, I decided to move away from the book thing right now and toward submitting articles to magazines. I've been looking for publications that target Christian women and parents. Slowly, I am learning about the process of being a freelance writer. I've also attended a couple of American Christian Writers meetings at my church.

I've picked up a few pointers, here and there, but, really, I am just blindly trying to find my way through this process. Recently, I discovered there are workshops that teach you how to write, get published, etc. I've been considering attending one in May the American Christian Writers are putting on locally. But, today, my sister-in-law sent me an e-mail about a conference in Charlotte.

Per their website, the She Speaks conference seeks "to encourage and equip women as they communicate God's Word through writing, sharing their testimony, leading a Bible study and speaking from the podium." As I read about the different breakout sessions that will occur at this conference, I got excited. There are several that seem to be exactly what I need to hear - Magazine Writing 101: Honing Your Writing Skills, From Blog to Book Deal: How I Got Published without Being Famous, and Self Publishing: Your First Choice.

Then I clicked on the "Registration and Payment" button.

$575.

Not including travel expenses.

Seriously?

As a single income family with two young children to care for, $575 for a writing conference is definitely not in the budget. But God loves to provide funds in creative ways in His timing. In fact, my sister-in-law's email had a link to a scholarship contest for this conference! All I have to do is write a post like this one, explaining a little about the conference and why I would like to win a scholarship. I know it is a long shot, but the Lord can use a contest if he chooses. We'll see!

Onward

2010-03-11T14:28:00.004-06:00

Over the past couple of months, I've felt God gently nudging me toward taking on some sort of a teaching role in ministry. I've felt the nudge mostly during the weekly Bible study I attend. And maybe some in my Sunday School class as well. I've been letting the idea that I should teach someone (other than my children) something about the Bible roll off my back. I've been nonchalantly saying to myself, "That would be exciting, but [fill in the blank]." I wouldn't have enough time to prepare. I'm too immature in my own faith. I'm still wrestling with my own issues. But the truth of the matter is I will never feel like I have enough time, I will never feel mature enough, and I will always be dealing with one personal issue or another. I mean, if someone who has had an active relationship with Jesus for over 10 years, as well as a degree in Biblical Studies and Theology, doesn't feel equipped enough to teach someone else about Jesus, who does?

The time to step up and obey God's nudge is now. Besides, it's not about me knowing all the answers. It's about me humbling myself and letting God draw others to Him through me. Priscilla Shirer once said that if she has a decision to make, and if the only reason she doesn't want to choose option A is because she is scared, that's usually the option she chooses. She knows that fear is not from the Lord; fear is from Satan. And if you are getting ready to obey/honor/glorify God in some way, Satan is going to try to scare you out of it.

So, I am moving forward with this teaching thing. I've sent an email to Ellen Olford, the Director of Women's Ministry at church, telling her I am ready to serve. And we all know once you volunteer at a church, there is no turning back :)

Separation Anxiety

2010-03-03T10:26:00.007-06:00

The doctor says that at about 6 months babies are able to mentally form an image of something that is not there. In the case of separation anxiety, that image is of Mommy or Daddy. So, all of a sudden, babies start to fret when their parents leave the room, and they may continue to have short periods of worrying while their parents are gone as they recall images of the people that are supposed to always be there with them.

Allie is 7.5 months old. And the last couple of weeks she has been teary when we leave her in the nursery at church. It never lasts very long, but the second I hand her off, she starts whining. She looks at me with raised eyebrows and a frown and whimpers even before I've left the room. She knows it's coming. By the time I exit her room, she is usually completely panicked and sobbing. The wonderful nursery staff can usually get her to settle down quickly through the miraculous powers of distraction and/or food. But those 3 or 4 minutes when Allie is completely worked up, it seems like her whole world has ended. Her beloved Mama is LEAVING!

Lexi is nearly 3 (what?!), and, occasionally, she still has a hard time being left in nursery. Although she fully comprehends that a) I will come back, b) she will have fun, and c) she likes the teachers and other kids, there is still a moment of resistance as I lead her to her classroom. She hugs me a little longer when she knows I am leaving. She looks at me with those big blue eyes, filled with sadness, and quietly begs me not to go. And, if she's having a particularly bad day, she will begin to sob and refuse to let go of my neck. I have to peel her off and hand her to her teacher before I can make my way out of the room. By the time I get back, she is all smiles, covered in stickers, playing with other children, and in possession of several sheets of papers she has scribbled on. But the next time I drop her off at nursery (usually a couple of days later), it never fails that she will be saddened. Her beloved Mama is LEAVING!

So all this got me thinking... When we decide to put some distance between us and our Father, do we experience separation anxiety? Before I explore that, it's important to point out that we leave God's side, not the other way around. If we believe that Jesus died on the cross for our sins and paid the price for us to have eternal life and a relationship with the Father, then GOD NEVER LEAVES OUR SIDE. But we are more than capable of putting emotional distance between us and our Father if we want to. If we choose to ignore sin, we will feel distanced.

And when we feel this way, do we experience separation anxiety? Do we long to return to a state of emotional closeness with the Father? Do we come unglued over the fact that we feel like we're no longer near God? Are we willing to do whatever it takes to return to emotional intimacy with Him? I think if we have an active relationship with God, the Holy Spirit will cause feelings of separation anxiety within us when we've sinned. Only He calls it conviction.

Unlike my children, who can't do anything about the fact that they are separated from me while they are in nursery, we can choose to go running back to the Father when we feel we've been distant. No matter why we've been running away from Him, and no matter how long we've felt distant, all we have to do is turn around (confess sin), and He'll be there.
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The Way It Goes

2010-02-27T08:07:00.003-06:00

Allie caught a cold/cough a couple of days ago. She gave it to me. One of us gave it to Lexi. Lexi doesn't sleep well when she's sick. So, neither do I, even though I'd like to. Allie sleeps like the baby she is, whether she's sick or not. Elian isn't sick. And he would've slept like a baby if he had slept downstairs on the couch, away from the rest of us, like he's been doing for the past year. But he made the mistake of trying to sleep upstairs last night. I'm betting he doesn't do that again until the girls move out.

So, why is it that the little baby who brought all the sickness into the house is the only one who slept well?

Would You Look At This...

2010-02-23T18:55:00.003-06:00

I was going through old blog posts, and I found something very interesting. Two of you may know that Observations of the Ordinary is not my first blog. I used to keep a Live Journal in college. I can't remember why I stopped keeping it, but when I did, I made sure to save all my posts as Word documents. And tonight I was scanning through them, and I saw one from 2006 titled "I Want to Be a Writer". I thought I'd re-post it here, just for fun.

I want to be a writer. But that’s all I know so far. I don’t really know what I want to write – what genre – I just know that I want to write. All of the good writers say that if you want to be a writer, you need to write every day. I don’t know that I am that disciplined, but I do seem to have the desire/motivation to write a couple times a week. I figure I can force myself into writing the other days of the week. That doesn’t worry me because all the good writers say that’s what they have to do, too.

Aside from loving words and loving to learn and the many other healthy reasons I have for wanting to write, I want to be able to say, “I’m a writer,” to people when they ask what I do for a living. I guess, technically, I wouldn’t be able to say that I do it for a living until I get published (and some chump actually buys my book). But, nonetheless, when I’m at a business dinner with my husband, playing the supportive wife role as he and his cronies talk insurance, I want to have a response other than, “I work part time at a bookstore,” when they look to me and say, “And what do you do?”

I imagine it all going down like this.
“What do you do?” someone inquires. “I write – I’m a writer,” I answer, slightly ticked off because all writers are moody.
“Oh, really? That’s fascinating!” the person responds, because everyone is in awe of writers.
I think most people put people who write for an occupation on a pedestal because everyone wishes they could sit at home in their underwear and get paid handsomely (or even just moderately) to type out a few pages everyday. It all seems so glamorous. That and writers are always perceived as having a mysteriousness and a sense of importance about them that is usually unjustified. I know it will be in my case when I become a writer.
“I write – I’m a writer,” I’ll say.
“And what types of things do you write?” the pleasant stranger will probe.
That’s the question I can’t answer right now. Well, that’s not true. Right now I write reflections on life – God, Christianity, sports, stupid people, my family, getting older, poop – you know, the stuff of life. But one day I might write some fiction or a memoir or a kids’ book or music reviews for a magazine. I might even delve further into the realms of poetry and devotionals, which I’ve explored in the past. Basically, the sky is the limit on the types of things I might write. So, when Joe Schmo asks me, the occupational writer, “What types of things do you write?”, I fear that I will give him a deer-in-the-headlights look, and, in turn, the idea that I really don’t write at all, that when I say I am a writer what I’m really saying is I’m unemployed and just don’t feel like admitting it to Joe.

I guess I need to formulate the answer I’ll give when Joe's ask me what types of things I write.

I guess I’ll say, “I mostly write observations of and reflections on daily life.” When I whip out that serious yet vague response, I suppose Joe will make some dull joke about how I will never run out of material. And I’ll have to return the humorless-joke-ball Joe served right back into his court by responding with something about always having job security. Hopefully the interrogation will end there - hopefully.

If Joe continues to speak, the next question out of his mouth will most certainly be, “Where have you been published,” followed almost immediately by the cordial (but probably completely untrue), “I’d love to read some of your stuff sometime.”

I hear that most writers don’t get published for at least the first five years that they write “professionally”. I also hear that even if you do get published, it could be years before anyone actually discovers/buys/tells their friends to buy your book. If my math (and my hearsay) is right, I can count on spending the next 7-48 years having to tell Joe that I’m not published anywhere yet, but that he is welcome to come over to my house and rummage through my journals anytime. Joe will probably suddenly feel like he’s put his foot in his mouth and will immediately regret having asked me about being published. In order to save face, he’ll probably lie and say he just might have to take me up on that offer and then tell me to “hang in there” on the getting published thing. Then he’ll leave as quickly as he can so as to end this most awkward conversation.

Despite having to deal with Joe's (who, in real life, could be anyone from my family members to strangers I meet in the subway [I’ve always wanted to use that phrase, even though the nearest subway is at least a 7 hour drive from here, but, since I’m the writer, I’ll go ahead and use it]), I still really want to write. I just like to write. That’s it. I think it is fun most of the time, and I really like sitting around my house in my underwear.

So, if you take anything away from this little article, I hope it’s this: always call before coming over to my house.

Yup

2010-02-23T18:46:00.001-06:00

Nothing like proclaiming you have a book idea to squelch all creativity.

The Idea

2010-02-16T23:39:00.001-06:00

The blog posts have been few and far between lately. Partly because, for me, writing requires solitude. And my children require...the opposite of solitude. My oldest demands it (the opposite of solitude, that is), and my youngest needs it (you know, to survive and everything).

But what doesn't require solitude is researching. That just requires neglecting my children - tuning them out. Or multitasking - bouncing Allie on one knee while typing with one hand while poorly upholding my end of the conversation with Lexi.

Either way, I'm cautiously putting my feelers out with publishing companies, trying to learn what it takes and what my options are when it comes to the publishing process. I'm also reading lots of professional bloggers, like Heather Armstrong, Donald Miller, and Seth Godin, with the hopes of learning more about expanding my readership. These are all folks who blog professionally and write books that people actually buy, so they've got tips for how to get your material "out there".

The most important thing I'm doing, though, is nailing down my focus. It's been hard to pick an idea and run with it. It's been hard to figure out how to serve God with writing outside the traditional genres of devotionals and Bible studies. I am not against writing these types of books, but I'm not excited about it either. All that to say I struggled picking an idea that would both honor God and allow me to retain my "style", which I am loosely defining as honest humor. So, after praying and waiting, I've decided on an idea for a book: a collection of humorous essays about my children and the truths God has taught me through said children. Since I am at the very beginning of the process that is creating a book, I am leaving the door wide open for changing my idea. As I learn more about this process, and as God utilizes His right to give me different marching orders at any time, I could find myself going in a completely different direction. But, for now, this is my focus.

Milestones: Lexi's First Bible Verse

2010-02-15T12:45:00.002-06:00

We were driving home from church a couple of months ago, and I was asking Lexi what she did in her class. We talked about the songs they sang, the kids she played with, and the snack she ate. Then I asked her what Bible story they read. She said, "God. Is. Love. First John. Four. Eight!" Elian and I were both shocked that our 2 year old had memorized a Bible verse. He cut his eyes at me and said, "Look that up!" Sure enough, she was right. My mommy heart was filled with joy.

Tim Tebow Hullabaloo

2010-02-05T08:50:00.002-06:00

So, there's lots of huffing and puffing going on in the liberal world about a Superbowl ad they haven't even seen yet. All we know about the ad is that Tim Tebow's mom is going to talk about how she was confronted with the choice of whether or not to abort Tim because she was seriously ill while pregnant with him. THAT'S ALL WE KNOW! And, yet, Pro-Choicers are all upset about this woman sharing her story for 30 seconds during a sporting event. We don't even know what she's going to say or how she's going to say it. There is a chance that she just wants to share her experience as food for thought, not force others to believe as she believes.

Why can't we wait to be outraged until AFTER we've seen the ad?

I read this today and thought this was an interesting point: "[Pro-choicers] won't even support the right of 'one woman's choice' to tell a watching world what a blessing her own son has been to her life."

Milestones: Lexi's First Haircut

2010-01-20T12:36:00.008-06:00

So we've been trying to convince Lexi to get her hair cut for...at least half of her life. Every once in awhile she submits to letting my mom cut her bangs, but even that doesn't happen without coercing, bribing, screaming, and crying...and sometimes Lexi acts up, too.

Her long hair, although pretty, constantly attracts food particles, hangs in her face, and pokes Allie in the eyes when Lexi is being particularly affectionate. I decided about 3 months ago to take Lexi to a local salon that Elian's aunt worked at. And by salon I mean cheap-o place where you can get a $10 haircut.

We were the only people in the place that day, and Elian's aunt was all ready to trim the back of Lexi's hair. I even brought my mom along so she could entertain Allie, and I could provide undivided attention and support to my first-born during this terrifying experience. Unfortunately, as soon as Lexi saw the big chair and the cape/smock thingy, she completely melted down. You would've thought the child was having her head cut off, not her hair. She collapsed in a pile of toddler, screaming and crying so emphatically that Allie burst into sympathy hysterics. After trying to bribe with candy and offering to sit with her, we gave up.

Over the past month or so Elian has said several times that he is playing his Dad card and forcing Lexi to get her hair cut. So when Lexi joined him on a Saturday trip to Lowe's, I said, "Why don't you swing by and get her hair cut while you're out?" I said it all tongue-in-cheek because I felt like he didn't understand how horrendous it would be. He thought he could just force her into getting her hair cut while I knew no amount of force could overcome a 2 year old's irrational emotions.

Next thing I know, Elian and Lexi arrive home from their errands, and in walks my sweet little girl without all of the hair she left with. She had a balloon in one hand and a certificate in the other. She came running to me, handing me the certificate, which, get this, said, "Baby's First Haircut" on it. Never mind that the child is almost 3 years old. I think they need to make a certificate that says, "Cry Baby's First Haircut" for the older kids... Anyway, they also taped some of Lexi's hair to the certificate so I can put it in her baby book. Or her cry baby book. We'll see. So Lexi hands me this certificate and says, "Look! I brought my haircut home!"

And it was just another reminder that my baby is no longer a baby, no matter what the certificate says. She is officially a little girl.

Milestones: Allie's Half Birthday

2010-01-19T15:20:00.004-06:00

Allie Grace turned 6 months old yesterday. I know, it seems like she just got here. I took her for her check up today, and, no surprise, she is perfect! She weighed in at 16 pounds, 8 ounces, which is 70th percentile, and was 26.5 inches long, putting her in the 80th percentile. And she has a big head. At least that's what the doctor says every time I take either child for a check up. Then he reinforces that a big head is a good thing. I think it depends on who you ask... Pediatricians like big heads because it means there is a growing brain under there. Moms hate big heads because it means episiotomies or c-sections. I know, too much information.

Anyway, I never think of Allie as being above average when it comes to her size. I always feel like she is petite. Her friends seem bigger than her, they seem to eat more than her, and her sister was a lot bigger than her at this age (try 18 lbs, 27 inches long, 95th percentile).

She's sitting up (with support), rolling over (one way), and two teeth are ALMOST ready to poke through. She's a beautiful, curious, babbling girl, and I've enjoyed having Allie in our family the past 6 months (really, she's been in our family for about 16 months, but that's a whole different subject), and I look forward to watching her grow and develop over the next 6 months.

Passion

2010-01-17T18:48:00.004-06:00

Today at church Ernie talked about passion. He described passions as God-given gifts that are unique to individuals. They are given to us from God so we can use them for God. Each person's passion(s) is their primary way of impacting the world for the cause of Christ.

Ernie asked us to think about what our passions are and whether or not we are using them to show the world Jesus. Two passions came to my mind: writing and digging into the Word of God.

I discovered my love of the Bible shortly after my conversion at age 16. I surrendered to God in the summer of 1999, and my Christmas present to myself that year was a Bible. I accepted that Jesus is the one and only God because I saw how others were impacted for the better by him, and, ultimately, because I experienced firsthand that he could be trusted. As C.S. Lewis puts it, "I gave in and admitted that God was God." And upon admitting that, I found myself wanting to know everything about him. So much so that I decided to major in Biblical Studies and Theology. I could not think of a better way to spend my time than learning more about God and how to communicate those truths to others.

I have always been a writer. I was reading when I was 4 years old, loved books growing up, and started writing my own short stories somewhere around 8 years old. I moved to writing song lyrics/poetry during my I-hate-everyone-and-everything stage in my early teens. My first year of college I wrote a series of devotionals out of a need to think through the Bible while studying at a school that would rather have me throw the Bible out the window. I've also written in blog format for several years, sharing stories about my family, observations of life in general, and testimonies of what God is doing in my life.

I've felt for a couple of years that God wants to use my two passions in a big way, I've just never been clear on the details. And I certainly have a lot of obstacles preventing me from fleshing that out right now. For one thing, time is not a luxury I have. Raising two small children affords me about 30 minutes/day of solitude. There is a lot competing to fill up that half hour. (In fact, I was just interrupted by my 6 month old.) I can choose to meet with God, exercise, write, rest, read, watch TV, or, God forbid, clean when I finally get time to myself. But I can't do ALL of those things everyday. That being the case, I struggle finding the time to develop my passions and to actively pursue using them for God. I don't know what the solution is, but I'm guessing it doesn't involve putting my passions on the back burner until my children are older.

Things I Wish I Had Time AND Motivation To Do

2010-01-08T12:25:00.005-06:00

In no particular order:

-Write more
-Research how to make my blog profitable
-Implement what I discover
-Read more
-Take a cooking class
-Buy healthy food to make healthy meals that don't taste like crap
-Exercise
-Take the Christmas tree down (don't judge me)
-Have a conversation that doesn't include poop

These are not resolutions. Mostly because I don't anticipate completing any of these things until the girls are in school. Except maybe the Christmas tree one. We'll play that by ear.

Recharged

2010-01-05T13:43:00.004-06:00

Last Wednesday, New Year's Eve eve, Elian and I were deliberating over possible NYE activities. It's not my favorite holiday, mostly because owning little children and staying up until the wee hours of the morning do not mix. I'm also not a club hopper, a downtown scenester, or a pyromaniac. In fact, the last couple of years, I think I was in bed by 9 PM on NYE, just like every other night of the year.

Before we were old (read: had kids), we would get together with a couple friends and play board games, eat good food, and have a couple of drinks until the ball fell, and then we'd head home shortly thereafter. Those were the best NYEs in my memory.

Our token couple to hang with was Michael and Hallie Finney. I went to high school/college with her and met him at church when I was in college. Elian has known him via church since they were teenagers and later worked at the same company together. We were in each others' weddings (in fact, Elian proposed to me on their wedding night, well after they said, "I do," of course). And we did NYE together every year until the Finneys moved to Nashville 3 years ago.

Well, this year, at about 3 PM on the 30th, Elian and I decided what we'd really like to do for NYE - have a night with the Finneys. Within a couple of hours, we had babysitters lined up and were packing our bags. In case you didn't know, spontaneity like this is UNHEARD OF for parents with little kids. But, due to Elian's flexible job - he works for his dad/himself - and our abundance of free, quality childcare - our awesome parents - we were able to leave less than 24 hours later!

I always like road trips. I love to drive; I love pulling out old music from long ago to fill the hours in the car; I like the random conversations I get into with my car mates; I like choosing my pit stops based on what restaurants/gas stations are on those blue signs on the side of the highway; and I like the scenery.

We got to Nashville (Smyrna, if you want to get technical), about 2 PM on NYE, just in time to watch a Memphis basketball game with our friends. Then we had dinner at Cheddar's, a restaurant that was new to us - another perk of traveling. We hit the grocery store and then headed home to play card games, board games, and Wii the rest of the night. I wasn't sure how I was going to stay up, especially since my children allowed me only 4 hours of broken sleep the night before, but I made it til 1 AM and had fun too. We slept late the next morning, to the tune of 10 freaking 30 :) We had lunch at another new-to-us place, Five Guys. We took a scenic drive through the expensive hills of Nashville, we played more games, ate a yummy dinner a la Hallie, and enjoyed the company of our friends late into the night. We spent one more night, where I, get this, SLEPT THE WHOLE NIGHT THROUGH, minus bathroom breaks. We didn't head back to reality/Memphis until about noon the next day.

It wasn't until I was back with my children that I realized how restful the weekend was. Before we left I was constantly irritable/impatient/exhausted. But the weekend allowed me to recharge so I could enjoy my children again... for a couple of days... until I got re-exhausted again after 2 nights of minimal sleep. Sigh. But, although the exhaustion is back, the time away seems to have staved off the irritability for a little while longer, for which Lexi should be thankful.

Milestones: Lexi's First Obscenity

2009-12-23T15:19:00.008-06:00

I have been telling my husband for years that once we had children he would have to refrain from cussing. I am not totally blameless, but pretty much. I mostly only cuss when I hurt myself. Elian, on the other hand, cusses almost every time he watches a sporting event (which is almost daily), when he spills something, when something goes wrong and when he hurts himself. The interesting part is he only cusses when these things happen at home. He does a great job restraining himself when in public or in the company of others.

I have nagged him somewhat to stop cussing since Lexi has started talking, but he hasn't heeded my advice. Instead, he offers this lame justification that in his family, hell, ass, and damn are not cuss words. And I tell him that I don't know what planet he is from, but, here on Earth, they are cuss words, and our children will repeat them if they hear him saying them.

Then it happened.

Thankfully, it happened at home.

This morning I left a half-drunk bottle on the floor. Lexi bent over to play with Allie and accidentally knocked the bottle over. I called her attention to that fact and walked over to the site of the incident. I saw a small puddle of formula on the carpet and said, "Ooops, the bottle spilled." As I bent over to wipe it up, I hear a little voice say, "Damn!"

I burst out laughing. I realize that was the worst way I could've responded, but I was caught so off guard I couldn't help it. I looked at Lexi and said, "What did you say?" "Damn!" she said, with a little grin. Luckily, Elian hadn't left for work yet, so I took Lexi by the hand and said, "Let's go upstairs and tell Daddy what you just said."

We met Elian halfway up the stairs, and I said, "Your daughter has something to tell you." With naive excitement, Lexi reported to him, "I knocked over Allie's bottle and it spilled on the carpet and I said, 'Damn!'" Elian looked at his toes as an involuntary smile spread across his face. As we walked back downstairs, he tried to compose himself. Lexi took that moment of silence to mean she needed to repeat herself, "I knocked over Allie's bottle and it spilled on the carpet and I said, 'Damn!'" In a serious voice, Elian said, "No, ma'am, we don't say that word." Lexi looked at me and said, "Daddy got mad when I said, 'Damn!'"

While I failed at holding back laughter, I explained to Lexi that that wasn't a nice word and God doesn't like us to say that. Instead, she needed to say "Ooops." Elian explained that he shouldn't say that word either, to which she responded, "Ok, next time I will say 'Ooops'. Can you turn up the TV so I can hear it?"

Elian and I went into the kitchen and I asked him, tongue in cheek, "Why did you get upset with her? I thought hell, ass, and damn weren't cuss words..." "They aren't," he maintained, "but they aren't nice for a 2 year old to be saying."

I rest my case.

Get This

2009-12-12T18:42:00.003-06:00

I was in Bed, Bath & Beyond today, and guess what I saw.

Here's a hint. Well, not really a hint, but the actual answer:

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT IS? AN AVOCADO SLICER! And, I have to admit, it looks like it would work slightly better than an egg slicer. My bubble is officially burst.

Helpful Hint

2009-12-11T13:40:00.005-06:00

For a quick and easy way to slice avocado, use an egg-slicer! You know, one of these:

I pretty much feel like a culinary genius for coming up with that one.

Now, I know most of you are thinking, "What in the world is she doing with an avocado?! Surely, Miss I-Only-Eat-Sugar isn't possibly going to eat an avocado. Well, let me just tell you, I did, and it was good!

You can thank guacamole for turning me on to plain old avocado. I've always enjoyed guac on Mexican food, and, over the summer, I started enjoying it as a dip. Maybe it was the hormones speaking, but I couldn't get enough guacamole. A couple months later, I tried plain avocado slices on a sandwich at some restaurant, and it wasn't half bad. Then, and this is what really sealed the deal, Jillian, from the Biggest Loser, recommended using avocado instead of mayo on sandwiches because it is full of flavor and it's a good fat (whatever that means). And, if you've ever encountered Jillian, whether on TV or in person, you know you obey that chick or else!

So for lunch this afternoon, I had a turkey sandwich on 100% whole wheat bread, with cheddar cheese (which I am not convinced is bad for most people), lettuce, tomato, and avacado. But that's not all. I also had a glass of milk and carrots with my lunch. I know, my eating a healthy meal is turning your whole worldview on its head. It freaked me out a little too. But you can rest easy - now I am enjoying a mug of hot chocolate topped with marshmallows while the girls nap.

Happy Thanksgiving

2009-11-26T10:30:00.004-06:00

Milestones

2009-11-21T09:11:00.004-06:00

It seems like everyone in my household is flying through milestones left and right. I feel like our lives are on fast forward right now.

Friday was our 5 year wedding anniversary. Although we feel like the same people who said, "I do," in 2004, a lot has changed. Our relationship has gotten better and better as we learn how to communicate, problem solve, and serve each other. We have evolved into a family of four somehow, and we've memorized every Backyardigans episode ever. EVER.

Wednesday was Allie's 4 month birthiversary. Last Thanksgiving we were announcing her conception, and now she's kicking, squealing, and rolling over. She weighed in at 14 lbs, 2 oz at her check up, and she's surpassed the 2 foot mark by a quarter of an inch.

Lexi turned 2.5 a couple of weeks ago. This week she learned how to write her name, and she just said a sentence that included a 7 syllable phrase, "beautiful decorations". Seriously? Last Halloween she was using baby words like "muk" for milk, "lalo" for water, and "deh" for yes.

All that to say, how blessed am I?

Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to HIM be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

Setting the Record Straight and a Lot of Whining

2009-11-13T06:10:00.005-06:00

I've given birth twice. I've passed kidney stones twice. I've had surgery to remove kidney stones twice. The question is, what hurts more - child birth or kidney stones?

I'd have to say intense labor without drugs is the worst pain I've experienced. The pain of the contractions is like no other. Sorry, boys.

However, I can definitely see how someone who has never given birth would say that passing a kidney stone is the worst pain they have ever experienced. In my situation, I was aching from my chest to my legs, all the way around my body. There were waves of stabbing pain in the center of my abdomen (between my rib cages), and about every 30 seconds it felt like I was being cut in half at hip level. Both times I passed stones, this went on for about an hour and a half.

To avoid that kind of pain, I've opted to have surgery to remove stones on two different occasions. Unfortunately, the recovery has involved having a ureter stent placed each time. The pain associated with having this piece of plastic inside my body has been just as miserable as trying to pass stones on my own. There is no comfortable position, and drugs like Lortab and Percocet have provided little to no relief. It just feels like a constant stabbing from kidney to bladder. And peeing causes bladder spasms, making it all a thousand times worse. I am serious when I say I would welcome being placed in a medically induced coma until the stent can be removed (Saturday at noon, in case you were wondering). Until then, I will have to settle for Percocet-induced drowsiness to help me sleep through the next 30 hours of my life. Thank goodness my kids are being well taken care of by my superhero husband and my saintly mom and mom-in-law. I couldn't get through this without them.

Hair, Vacuums and Other Irrational Fears

2009-11-05T13:36:00.004-06:00

Toddlers are known for developing fears that make no sense. Apparently, my two-year-old is no exception. Since the day she was born, she has been TERRIFIED of vacuum cleaners. I suppose our vacuum IS rather loud, but she has had TWO AND A HALF years to get used to it. Instead, it seems her fear is becoming more and more intense. She used to be okay if I let her sit on the couch while I vacuumed. Then she needed to hold a security object. Then she needed to sit on Daddy's lap. Then she needed to bury her face in his chest. Now she literally crawls up his torso, crying and screaming EVERY TIME I vacuum. She gets nervous even if I mention the word.

Lately she has expanded her list of fears to include stray hairs. She has never been a fan of getting her hands dirty. From the time she could sit up on her own, she has been particularly aware of minuscule threads and hairs on carpets, couches, and clothing. She used to pick them up, hold them out to me, and whine with a disgusted look on her face until I took them from her. But last week she decided to FREAK OUT when she saw a hair floating in her bath water. She just sobbed and kept screaming, "GET ME OUT! GET ME OUT!" The next time I told her it was bath time, she teared up and said, "Do you think there are going to be hairs in the bath tub?!" I told her I would make sure there weren't any hairs in the bath tub just to get her IN the bathroom. Then she peered over the side of the tub, scanning every square inch of the tub for stray hairs. I wonder how she would react if I showed her all the hairs the vacuum cleaner sucks up...

She reacts the same way to big dogs and most men. At least I get those fears.

You may also notice that her hair just keeps getting longer and longer. That's because she is terrified of getting it cut. We've NEVER cut the back of her hair. She'll let me or my mom cut her bangs if we're really persuasive. The hair dryer is also on Lexi's Fear List. I guess it is too loud for her. So I have pretty much resigned myself to the fact that this child, with her head full of wet hair, is GOING to get sick this winter. Unless, of course, I can't get her in the bath tub to wash said hair...

2 1/2

2009-11-03T14:39:00.006-06:00

My firstborn is officially two and half! And she continues to keep our lives interesting. For instance, halfway through Trick or Treating she began to say "SURPRISE!" every time someone answered their door. I guess she forgot the name of the game.

Allie - 3 months

2009-10-19T11:04:00.003-05:00

I know I am biased, but, OH MY GOSH, HOW CUTE IS SHE?!